It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?" He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

 

[Car-Guy]

Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and comes back.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "It's a small world."

 

[Car-Guy]

Now this one isn't so much a joke as it is truth when you read the punch line...



Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot
tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd."
The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man laughed and answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are an auditor."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd.
" First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business... now can I have my DOG back?"

 

[Car-Guy]

A guy and his wife are playing golf for the first time on the gold course of an exclusive subdivision. He hooks his first tee shot, and it goes off, smashing through the bay window of a ritzy mansion right off the fairway.
Feeling very embarrassed and sheepish, they go over to the house, ring the doorbell, and go in where they hear a voice telling them the door's open. There in the living room was a guy lying on the couch. There's glass all over the floor and...a broken bottle.
"You the people who broke the window?"
"Yessir. We're terribly sorry and embarrassed, and would like to pay you for the damage."
The man says, "Oh, no! I'm delighted! You see, I'm a genie, and was trapped in that bottle for centuries! In fact, I'd like to offer three gifts, one for each of you, and one for me."
Intrigued, the couple immediately agree. "I'd like a million dollars each year for the rest of my life," said the man. His wife then said, "And I'd like a comfortable house in a prime tourist spot in every country of the world."
The genie said that was all great, done and done. But for his wish, the genie said that since he'd been trapped in that bottle for so long, he'd love to have relations with the man's wife.
That was quite unexpected and the couple were taken aback. They decided that since the genie had been so generous, though, it was probably the least they could do.
The genie then took the wife upstairs and fulfilled his wish with her repeatedly for a couple of hours.
Afterwards he rolled over smoking a cigarette, and asked the wife how old she was as well as her husband.
"Why we are both thirty-eight. Why do you ask?"
Genie: "You mean to tell me that you and he are both thirty-eight years old, and still believe in genies?!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A soldier in Korea went to a really seedy red light district and about 2 weeks later his thing looked really bad. He went to the base doctor and was told it had to be cut off. Not liking the diagnosis he went to a Korean doctor who looked at it and said hmmm. The soldier told him that the American doctor said he would have to cut it off. Cut, cut cut the Korean doctor said. All American doctors want to do is cut. You no need to cut thing off. Great the soldier said. No the Korean doctor said, you just wait 2 weeks, and thing fall off all by itself.

 

[Car-Guy]

Disclaimer: Don't read this one if you are easily offended.


While in a new port, a sailor went out for the night in a really seedy red light district. He ended up getting very drunk and passing out. He awoke the next morning and noticed his thing had a red ring and a black ring on it. He was very worried so went straight to the doctor. The doctor took samples and returned two hours later and said, "I have some good news and some bad news". The good news is the red ring is lipstick. The sailor asks and the bad news is? The bad news is the black ring is Skoal.

 

[Car-Guy]

A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone several times for hours and hours trying to make some sense of our conversations. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

 

[Car-Guy]

I’m not having much luck with holding a job lately.....

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

 

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

...and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

Would have been better if it ended with "I just couldn't see any future as a fortune teller."

 

[Lewis Clark]

Would have been better if it ended with "I just couldn't see any future as a fortune teller."

My wife used to work at a television station, scheduling when the various commercials would go on the air. Many of the psychics who bought commercial time would call in to find out when their commercials would be aired.

 

[Car-Guy]

Would have been better if it ended with "I just couldn't see any future as a fortune teller."

My wife used to work at a television station, scheduling when the various commercials would go on the air. Many of the psychics who bought commercial time would call in to find out when their commercials would be aired.

As I've said before, I don't write em, I just post em. However, on occasions, I have edited a few of them if I think it tells a better joke.

 

[Sunset]

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

 

[ArmchairMillionaire23]

 

[Car-Guy]

After watching most of the Monday night football game...the old fellow decides to go to bed.....
The guys wife is already in bed and have been asleep for an hour already....
He climbs in bed with his wife.....
He slides his hands slowly across his wife's shoulder.....
under her legs....
around her waist......
under her neck....
below her neck....
He then gently slides his hand under his wife's lower back....
All of a sudden he stops....
His wife asked him in a romantic voice....
"Babe....why did you stop?"
He answers her....
"Found the remote....you can go back to sleep!"

 

[Car-Guy]

A woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course what may I do for you?
' I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Could you carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
At customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!'

 

[aja8888]

A woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course what may I do for you?
' I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Could you carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
At customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!'

LOL!!

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

[Car-Guy]

And I always thought blonde jokes were about women....



Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I'm going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, she replied "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

 

[Car-Guy]

I seen this somewhere before.... Maybe here, but worth a re-post.


A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

A few one liners (or so) but none are worthy of individual posts.


Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?” Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced so differently bothers me way more than it should.

You know why a chicken coupe has 2 doors instead of 4?
Because then it would be called a sedan instead of a coupe!

Remember when they built a very small car they called a Yugo? Later they decided to make a station wagon so they called it a Wego

 

[Car-Guy]