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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-26-2006, 12:54 PM   #421
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I've got the BS part; when comes the brilliance?? :P
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-26-2006, 01:06 PM   #422
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real human body. They all gathered around the table with the cadaver covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have two very important qualities to succeed as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the rectum of the cadaver, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students recoiled in shock, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns inserting a finger into the cadaver and sticking the finger in their mouth.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention and welcome to Gross Anatomy."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-26-2006, 01:08 PM   #423
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Thanks Outtahere- another day off to a good guffawing start!

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-26-2006, 03:07 PM   #424
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Blonde and the Lawyer
--------------------------


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired,
just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window
to catch some sleep.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment
unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question : "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill
and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references,
no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net
and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you !" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks :
"Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-28-2006, 10:17 AM   #425
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers
him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15
minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.* When she is
about hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they
don't eat the peanuts themselves.* "We can't chew them because we've no
teeth,' she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"*
The old lady replied,* "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-29-2006, 11:31 AM   #426
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, because the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-29-2006, 12:05 PM   #427
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Johnny was late for School,a nd as he enterd the class the Teacher asked him why he was late?

I stopped because I saw a dead cat at the side of the road , said Johnny.

Oh, responds the Teacher, are you sure it was dead.?

Yup, Johnny replied, I went over to it and pissed in his ear.

Goodness, you did what, the Teacher demanded.

I went over to it, lent over, and went Psssst in his ear.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-31-2006, 11:05 AM   #428
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LBYM joke:

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the
"seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said.
"But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and
forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la
carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"
my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" ----

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took
the two eggs home.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-31-2006, 11:13 AM   #429
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Related and true story.

Wife and I had breakfast at the local waffle house. I had a 2 for 1 coupon. She had eggs and ordered a side of ham. When I gave the waitress the coupon, she said she couldnt take it because they had decided that since my wife ordered eggs and a side of ham, that was close enough for them to call it the daily special, ham and eggs, for $3.99, instead of the 7.99 it would have cost a la carte...and of course the coupon excluded any specials.

So I asked her to stop being nice and trying to give it to us at the special price I'd have to pay for, and just charge us the 7.99 and then use the coupon to make it free.

The "head waitress" and then the manager had to get involved before they could agree to do it.

About 10 minutes into this process I came to wish I had paid the four bucks.

Another one, check this the next time you're at Dennys (which for some of you will be never), there are several meals on the 'featured' section of the menu that you can order from other parts of the menu with equal or more stuff on the plate at a lower price. Someones really not paying much attention...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-31-2006, 01:43 PM   #430
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Texas does it again!

*
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Illinois mouse,
killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom. (trying to impress each other
about how much tougher they are).

The Wisconsin mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass the
bar, turns to the Iowa mouse & says, "When I see a mousetrap, Lie on my back
& set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth,
bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, & then make off with the
cheese."

The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after
the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Wisconsin mouse &
replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
it home, grind it up to a powder, & add it to my coffee each morning so I
can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

They both turn to the Texas mouse. The Texas mouse finishes the beer he has
in front of him, lets out a long sigh & says to the two, "I don't have time
for this bullshit.... gotta go home & have sex with the cat."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-01-2006, 04:52 AM   #431
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Suzi what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.

She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!!



I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

Still in shock, Tommy
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-01-2006, 07:02 AM   #432
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
Ouch! Even worse because I could see what was coming early on in your story...

Reminds me of the time I was a kid, playing with my toy electronics kit, having built the "high-voltage generator" in the manual, which made periodic 90V pulses from a 9V battery. Held the electrodes in both hands, felt the mildest twitch in the arm muscles, figured what the heck, stick both electrodes on the tongue. I swear I "saw" a flash of light come from the inside of my mouth straight into my eyeballs. Didn't do that again.

Though a few years later, I did manage to give myself a good shock and scare with a home-brew EKG, made from a home stereo amplifier, a high-school oscilloscope, and some speaker wires taped to my chest. Somehow put myself into a feedback loop by grabbing the wrong wire...

Then there was the time I touched a 2,000V lead in a college lab. I could feel my muscles hardening in progression from my fingertips and on up my arm. Managed to jump away with my feet before the muscular clamping reached the left side of my chest. (This last story is why I knew what was going to happen with you and the Taser.)

Nowadays I don't even trust myself with car jumper cables.

Bpp
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-01-2006, 07:13 AM   #433
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpp
Nowadays I don't even trust myself with car jumper cables.
Bpp, I mis-read the "Started by /Last post by" heading and thought Cute Fuzzy Bunny was the poster. As I read of his your electrical adventures, I was thinking, "Well, this explains a lot of his posts!"


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-01-2006, 07:31 AM   #434
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REW:
Quote:
As I read of his your electrical adventures, I was thinking, "Well, this explains a lot of his posts!"
Maybe it at least explains why I have apparently been loved by the Cute Fuzzy Bunny.

(Actually, I think we both share a certain Boston sensibility, which probably facilitates confusion.)

Bpp
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-01-2006, 09:12 AM   #435
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpp
(Actually, I think we both share a certain Boston sensibility, which probably facilitates confusion.)
Indeed. (imagine that spoken with the standard charles winchester III brahman accent and you've got it).

Wahoo...its not the electrostimuli, the drugs, the alcohol or the psychological issues. All of which I highly recommend as they've always worked for me. Its gotta be some combination.

Anyhow, i'm not gonna mess with success.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-01-2006, 01:04 PM   #436
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is a new twist for you red wine lovers.*

http://www.break.com/movies/robowine.html
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-03-2006, 10:42 AM   #437
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A little humour for the Super Bowl.*

http://superbowl.break.com/superbowl/superbowl.html
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-03-2006, 12:32 PM   #438
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

In light of the "windage" associated with some posters on this board I thought this item appropriate.



The Royal Academy of Brussels solicited questions for scientific study that would have useful applications. Benjamin Franklin suggested this "serious enquiry" for "this enlightened age". Franklin had qualms about submitting this, however, and instead printed it privately on his press at Passy, France, where he was an ambassador. He also sent it to a number of his friends, including Joseph Priestly, the renown chemist and gas specialist, "who is apt to give himself airs". This notorious essay is known today simply as "Fart Proudly."


GENTLEMEN,

I have perused your late mathematical Prize Question, proposed in lieu of one in Natural Philosophy, for the ensuing year, viz. "Une figure quelconque donnee, on demande d’y inscrire le plus grand nombre de fois possible une autre figure plus-petite quelconque, qui est aussi donnee". I was glad to find by these following Words, "l’Acadeemie a jugee que cette deecouverte, en eetendant les bornes de nos connoissances, ne seroit pas sans UTILITE", that you esteem Utility an essential Point in your Enquiries, which has not always been the case with all Academies; and I conclude therefore that you have given this Question instead of a philosophical, or as the Learned express it, a physical one, because you could not at the time think of a physical one that promised greater Utility.

Permit me then humbly to propose one of that sort for your consideration, and through you, if you approve it, for the serious Enquiry of learned Physicians, Chemists, &c. of this enlightened Age. It is universally well known, That in digesting our common Food, there is created or produced in the Bowels of human Creatures, a great Quantity of Wind.

That the permitting this Air to escape and mix with the Atmosphere, is usually offensive to the Company, from the fetid Smell that accompanies it.

That all well-bred People therefore, to avoid giving such Offence, forcibly restrain the Efforts of Nature to discharge that Wind.

That so retained contrary to Nature, it not only gives frequently great present Pain, but occasions future Diseases, such as habitual Cholics, Ruptures, Tympanies, &c. often destructive of the Constitution, & sometimes of Life itself.

Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.

My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreeable, to be mixed with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreeable as Perfumes.

That this is not a chimerical Project, and altogether impossible, may appear from these Considerations. That we already have some Knowledge of Means capable of Varying that Smell. He that dines on stale Flesh, especially with much Addition of Onions, shall be able to afford a Stink that no Company can tolerate; while he that has lived for some Time on Vegetables only, shall have that Breath so pure as to be insensible to the most delicate Noses; and if he can manage so as to avoid the Report, he may any where give Vent to his Griefs, unnoticed. But as there are many to whom an entire Vegetable Diet would be inconvenient, and as a little Quick-Lime thrown into a Jakes will correct the amazing Quantity of fetid Air arising from the vast Mass of putrid Matter contained in such Places, and render it rather pleasing to the Smell, who knows but that a little Powder of Lime (or some other thing equivalent) taken in our Food, or perhaps a Glass of Limewater drank at Dinner, may have the same Effect on the Air produced in and issuing from our Bowels? This is worth the Experiment. Certain it is also that we have the Power of changing by slight Means the Smell of another Discharge, that of our Water. A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreeable Odor; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?

For the Encouragement of this Enquiry, (from the immortal Honor to be reasonably expected by the Inventor) let it be considered of how small Importance to Mankind, or to how small a Part of Mankind have been useful those Discoveries in Science that have heretofore made Philosophers famous. Are there twenty Men in Europe at this Day, the happier, or even the easier, for any Knowledge they have picked out of Aristotle? What Comfort can the Vortices of Descartes give to a Man who has Whirlwinds in his Bowels! The Knowledge of Newton’s mutual Attraction of the Particles of Matter, can it afford Ease to him who is racked by their mutual Repulsion, and the cruel Distensions it occasions? The Pleasure arising to a few Philosophers, from seeing, a few Times in their Life, the Threads of Light untwisted, and separated by the Newtonian Prism into seven Colors, can it be compared with the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels? Especially if it be converted into a Perfume: For the Pleasures of one Sense being little inferior to those of another, instead of pleasing the Sight he might delight the Smell of those about him, & make Numbers happy, which to a benevolent Mind must afford infinite Satisfaction. The generous Soul, who now endeavors to find out whether the Friends he entertains like best Claret or Burgundy, Champagne or Madeira, would then enquire also whether they chose Musk or Lilly, Rose or Bergamot, and provide accordingly. And surely such a Liberty of Expressing one’s Scent-iments, and pleasing one another, is of infinitely more Importance to human Happiness than that Liberty of the Press, or of abusing one another, which the English are so ready to fight & die for. -- In short, this Invention, if completed, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your "Figure quelconque" and the Figures inscribed in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a FART-HING.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-03-2006, 03:23 PM   #439
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveR
Benjamin Franklin suggested this "serious enquiry" for "this enlightened age". Franklin had qualms about submitting this, however, and instead printed it privately on his press at Passy, France, where he was an ambassador. He also sent it to a number of his friends, including Joseph Priestly, the renown chemist and gas specialist, "who is apt to give himself airs".
It's probably a good thing that ol' Ben didn't invent the Bic lighter...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-03-2006, 09:53 PM   #440
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

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