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Old 04-04-2018, 12:30 PM   #4381
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God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference!
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Old 04-04-2018, 12:37 PM   #4382
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Just saw this picture. Had a great laugh. Thanks.
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Old 04-05-2018, 01:18 PM   #4383
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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his very badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

"Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly says,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little sod is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, just stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Ricky!".
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:13 PM   #4384
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This one's probably been posted here before.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:21 PM   #4385
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his very badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

"Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly says,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little sod is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, just stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Ricky!".
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Old 04-11-2018, 06:17 PM   #4386
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Originally Posted by ownyourfuture View Post
This one's probably been posted here before.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
That's pretty funny, but AFAIK there's no I-90 in FL.
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For our Engineers
Old 04-26-2018, 02:41 PM   #4387
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For our Engineers

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:08 AM   #4388
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The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about
her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she
got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech
support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and
then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf
Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought
you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT,
under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install
the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!
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Old 05-25-2018, 04:12 PM   #4389
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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"
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Old 05-30-2018, 02:59 PM   #4390
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I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

----------------------------------

I love eBay. I sold my homing pigeon four times last month.


--------------------------------

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!
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Old 06-04-2018, 03:40 PM   #4391
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Irish Confession

"Bless me Father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."
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Old 06-04-2018, 07:50 PM   #4392
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Old 06-04-2018, 08:01 PM   #4393
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Old 06-04-2018, 08:07 PM   #4394
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Old 06-04-2018, 09:23 PM   #4395
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My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. ?We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ?'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'?
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'?
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day... You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,? ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'?
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Old 06-04-2018, 09:25 PM   #4396
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Hey, I resemble that remark!
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Old 06-04-2018, 09:58 PM   #4397
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Old 06-04-2018, 10:29 PM   #4398
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Old 06-05-2018, 08:40 PM   #4399
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LOST CAT

Female. Named “Puant”. Black with white stripes.

If found, please call 224-622-0943. Children are heartbroken.


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Old 06-06-2018, 02:24 PM   #4400
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What an amazing story!! Please read to the end.

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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