Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-04-2018, 12:30 PM   #4381
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 92
God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference!
__________________

DatumPoint5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-04-2018, 12:37 PM   #4382
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Tampa
Posts: 607
Quote:
Originally Posted by redduck View Post
Just saw this picture. Had a great laugh. Thanks.
__________________

__________________
TGIM
Dtail is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2018, 01:18 PM   #4383
Administrator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 22,041
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his very badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

"Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly says,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little sod is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, just stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Ricky!".
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55, moved to England in May 2016
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2018, 03:13 PM   #4384
Full time employment: Posting here.
ownyourfuture's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 610
This one's probably been posted here before.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
__________________
"No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity, but I know none, therefore am no beast"
ownyourfuture is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2018, 03:21 PM   #4385
Full time employment: Posting here.
ownyourfuture's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 610
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his very badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

"Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly says,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little sod is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, just stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Ricky!".
AAA+++
__________________
"No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity, but I know none, therefore am no beast"
ownyourfuture is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2018, 06:17 PM   #4386
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 6,925
Quote:
Originally Posted by ownyourfuture View Post
This one's probably been posted here before.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
That's pretty funny, but AFAIK there's no I-90 in FL.
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous (not Will Rogers or Sam Clemens)
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
For our Engineers
Old 04-26-2018, 02:41 PM   #4387
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,073
For our Engineers

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?
__________________
Doing things today that others won't, to do things tomorrow that others can't. Of course I'm referring to workouts, not robbing banks.
DFW_M5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2018, 09:08 AM   #4388
Full time employment: Posting here.
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 913
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about
her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she
got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech
support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and
then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf
Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought
you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT,
under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install
the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!
__________________

__________________
When people ask me "what do you do?" I always answer with "whatever it takes".
Tailgate is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 04:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 03:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 08:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:33 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.