Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-04-2018, 12:30 PM   #4381
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 114
God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference!
__________________

DatumPoint5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-04-2018, 12:37 PM   #4382
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Tampa
Posts: 1,817
Quote:
Originally Posted by redduck View Post
Just saw this picture. Had a great laugh. Thanks.
__________________

__________________
TGIM
Dtail is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2018, 01:18 PM   #4383
Administrator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee ba gum
Posts: 22,839
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his very badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

"Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly says,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little sod is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, just stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Ricky!".
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55, moved to England in May 2016
Enough private pension and SS income to cover all needs
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2018, 03:13 PM   #4384
Full time employment: Posting here.
ownyourfuture's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 680
This one's probably been posted here before.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
__________________
"No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity, but I know none, therefore am no beast"
ownyourfuture is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2018, 03:21 PM   #4385
Full time employment: Posting here.
ownyourfuture's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 680
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his very badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

"Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly says,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little sod is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, just stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Ricky!".
AAA+++
__________________
"No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity, but I know none, therefore am no beast"
ownyourfuture is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2018, 06:17 PM   #4386
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 7,104
Quote:
Originally Posted by ownyourfuture View Post
This one's probably been posted here before.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
That's pretty funny, but AFAIK there's no I-90 in FL.
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous (not Will Rogers or Sam Clemens)
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
For our Engineers
Old 04-26-2018, 02:41 PM   #4387
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: DFW
Posts: 5,176
For our Engineers

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?
__________________
Doing things today that others won't, to do things tomorrow that others can't. Of course I'm referring to workouts, not robbing banks.
DFW_M5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2018, 09:08 AM   #4388
Full time employment: Posting here.
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 931
The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about
her relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she
got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech
support people's love advice was hilarious and genius!

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and
then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf
Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate



The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought
you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to
install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0
and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT,
under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install
the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!
__________________
When people ask me "what do you do?" I always answer with "whatever it takes".
Tailgate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2018, 04:12 PM   #4389
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 18,316
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty;

your hair, eighteen;

and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-2018, 02:59 PM   #4390
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 18,316
I was in a pub last Saturday night, drank quite a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them snapped back saying, "It's WALES , you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

----------------------------------

I love eBay. I sold my homing pigeon four times last month.


--------------------------------

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 03:40 PM   #4391
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 487
Irish Confession

"Bless me Father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"

Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."
kevink is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 07:50 PM   #4392
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 16,547
.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Quartet.jpg (19.4 KB, 317 views)
__________________
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."



- Will Rogers
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 08:01 PM   #4393
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 16,547
A few other goodies:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg DMWP6EKX4AE1jdP.jpg (99.4 KB, 63 views)
File Type: jpg QNHDTPKl.jpg (75.6 KB, 66 views)
File Type: png ygE7OS8.png (135.6 KB, 315 views)
__________________
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."



- Will Rogers
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 08:07 PM   #4394
Full time employment: Posting here.
RetireBy90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Cville
Posts: 515
fla biker bar.png
RetireBy90 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 09:23 PM   #4395
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 16,547
My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. ?We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ?'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'?
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'?
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day... You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,? ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'?
__________________
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."



- Will Rogers
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 09:25 PM   #4396
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 7,104
Quote:
Originally Posted by RetireBy90 View Post
Hey, I resemble that remark!
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous (not Will Rogers or Sam Clemens)
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 09:58 PM   #4397
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 16,547
.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Fokkers.jpg (22.8 KB, 297 views)
__________________
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."



- Will Rogers
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2018, 10:29 PM   #4398
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 16,547
.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg FLsKO2r.jpg (88.9 KB, 68 views)
File Type: jpg lgsDhOj.jpg (71.7 KB, 54 views)
File Type: jpg N8fAzcU.jpg (19.3 KB, 291 views)
__________________
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."



- Will Rogers
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-2018, 08:40 PM   #4399
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 598
LOST CAT

Female. Named “Puant”. Black with white stripes.

If found, please call 224-622-0943. Children are heartbroken.


CoolRich59 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-06-2018, 02:24 PM   #4400
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 18,316
What an amazing story!! Please read to the end.

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Tulsa Junior College .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.
__________________

__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 04:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 03:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 08:21 PM

» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:36 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.