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Old 07-15-2018, 04:47 PM   #4441
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Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his... way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we are all going to die."
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Old 07-15-2018, 05:53 PM   #4442
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Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his... way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we are all going to die."

ok....eeez a good one.
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Old 07-15-2018, 06:10 PM   #4443
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To the lady in Costco who had her son on a leash, I am sorry for asking if he was a rescue. The profanity afterward wasn't necessary, but I appreciate the fact that you didn't sic him on me.
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Will someone tell her it is a mushroom
Old 07-19-2018, 06:49 AM   #4444
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Will someone tell her it is a mushroom

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Aging Logic
Old 07-19-2018, 06:52 AM   #4445
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Aging Logic

changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.





Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.







You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.







I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.







I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.







Old age is coming at a really bad time.







When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.







The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."







I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.







If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.







Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?





Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.







At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.







Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.







I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.







Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?


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Zippers
Old 07-19-2018, 07:04 AM   #4446
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Zippers



If this one doesn't make you laugh.....



In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her

skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.




Again, she tried to make the step

only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make

the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!


I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."




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Old 07-19-2018, 08:45 AM   #4447
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RetireBy90 View Post
The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
You might want to write this one down - "I posted these jokes 3 weeks ago".
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Old 07-19-2018, 09:41 AM   #4448
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You might want to write this one down - "I posted these jokes 3 weeks ago".

Well remembered.

Its funny joke Thursday!
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:33 AM   #4449
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Kids and lemonade stands. This isn't a joke. Really! But, it's funny and I thought this was the best place to put it rather than start a new topic. I don't care for the product myself, but I have to agree their marketing folks hit a home run with this one.

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Old 07-23-2018, 10:46 PM   #4450
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Tastes like justice. Love it!
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The Atheist
Old 07-24-2018, 06:47 AM   #4451
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Ok, so not Thursday but I was cleaning out some old email folders and found this


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards
him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over
his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on
him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even
faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to
take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my
God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the li ght, "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the
BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And
the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and
spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful. Amen."
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Football season is getting closer!
Old 07-24-2018, 02:50 PM   #4452
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Football season is getting closer!

--The Jewish Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears, The only thing missing was a good quarterback He scouted and scouted but couldn't find a quarterback who could give the Bears a shot at a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!” the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!”

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl

The young man is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl !"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old woman says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mom," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,.........."I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !"
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Old 07-24-2018, 05:35 PM   #4453
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--The Jewish Quarterback
Great!
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Old 07-25-2018, 04:53 PM   #4454
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An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber takes a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "You just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."
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Old 07-25-2018, 05:46 PM   #4455
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--The Jewish Quarterback
That

Was

Seriously

Funny!!
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Worst Foursome
Old 07-26-2018, 07:56 AM   #4456
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Worst Foursome

Ok, finally it is Thursday. From a friend's friend

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. STORMY DANIELS

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON


WHY, YOU ASK




1. STORMY IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST



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Black Lab Best Friends
Old 07-26-2018, 08:04 AM   #4457
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Black Lab Best Friends

If I can get the link posted correctly


https://dl-mail.ymail.com/ws/downloa...ROOYeWZBW-NzAx
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Suicide Counseling
Old 07-26-2018, 08:06 AM   #4458
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One more

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”




She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!




He shrugged and turned away saying,




"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”




... She didn’t jump.
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Old 07-26-2018, 02:19 PM   #4459
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One more

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”




She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!




He shrugged and turned away saying,




"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”




... She didn’t jump.
That is just a bit more than disturbing.
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Old 07-26-2018, 04:19 PM   #4460
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Ok, finally it is Thursday. From a friend's friend

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. STORMY DANIELS

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON


WHY, YOU ASK




1. STORMY IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST


Since your joke leads off with Stormy Daniels, wouldn't it be a lot funnier if it was Donald Trump that couldn't remember which hole he played last?
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