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Old 08-18-2018, 09:24 AM   #4501
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2 Corinthians walk into a bar...
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Old 08-18-2018, 10:03 AM   #4502
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A response on the Alex thread reminds me of this joke:

A football coach is having problems with a young man who is not performing well on the field. In particular he does not follow the playbook and makes a lot of rookie mistakes. After a particularly bad goof-up that cost them a touchdown, the frustrated coach asks the player "Are you stupid or just apathetic". The player responds, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care".
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Old 08-18-2018, 11:27 AM   #4503
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2 Corinthians walk into a bar...
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Old 08-18-2018, 11:31 AM   #4504
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2 Corinthians walk into a bar...
The first one says "I'll have a martinus", to which the barman asks "Don't you mean a martini?"

"If I wanted two I'd order two."
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Old 08-18-2018, 03:47 PM   #4505
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THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Purdue School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal’s body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

This was followed by a few minutes of assorted gagging, retching and spitting, etc. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them.
He then said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
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Old 08-19-2018, 08:58 AM   #4506
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And in current news...
2910D50F-CDD7-40FF-84D9-6C0AB1CF0AC1.jpeg
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Old 08-20-2018, 08:02 AM   #4507
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The next two jokes were shamelessly copied from another forum. I hope these haven't been posted here before but I'm not going to search the 4500+ jokes/posts in this thread.


Sue went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said ... $50.00.
"Why so little?" Sue asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
Sue thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam.
Sue was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam with new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, Sue's husband, Doug, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, ........"Hi Doug."
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Old 08-20-2018, 08:17 AM   #4508
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An admiral visited one of the ships in the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval
insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on the other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each
biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the
Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the "donuts"
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Old 08-22-2018, 10:50 PM   #4509
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Did you hear about the prostitute who got a colostomy bag?

Now she is making money on the side.
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College Footballisms
Old 08-23-2018, 06:27 AM   #4510
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College Footballisms

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Auburn fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said,
" Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."


How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

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Old 08-25-2018, 06:07 PM   #4511
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The 50-50-90 rule:

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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Old 08-26-2018, 06:40 AM   #4512
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?



It's okay.



He woke up.
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Golf Balls
Old 08-29-2018, 10:24 AM   #4513
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Golf Balls

Ok, so I searched and didn't find this one, but if posted before it surely deserves a 2nd chuckle.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful woman.



The puzzled woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.



Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: 'It's golf balls'.



Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, 'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
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Journey to Manhood
Old 08-29-2018, 10:31 AM   #4514
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Journey to Manhood

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big t*ts.


When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big t*ts, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with

a zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,

cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic,

but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious

that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big t*ts.

No offense intended
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Old 08-29-2018, 10:32 AM   #4515
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I'm sorry I slapped you but it seemed like you would never stop talking and I panicked.
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Old 08-29-2018, 08:34 PM   #4516
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I'm sorry I slapped you but it seemed like you would never stop talking and I panicked.

Nice! Where'd you hear that?
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Men are Deep Thinkers
Old 08-30-2018, 07:26 AM   #4517
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Men are Deep Thinkers

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My lady friend walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing’. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?’At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they “know”. Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.



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Sad News
Old 08-31-2018, 05:53 AM   #4518
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Sad News

VERY SAD NEWS TODAY !!
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical
school and training (in later life), has been fired
for one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can no
longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
He's still paying on his school loans.
This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin
your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and was a brilliant
veterinarian.
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Old 08-31-2018, 12:26 PM   #4519
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I went to a progressive Catholic High School, 1972-1974. We changed classes so the halls were very crowded after every class, students hurrying to get to their next class. I will never forget one loud, obnoxious girl who yelled "Hey, you with the head!" Nearly everyone stopped walking and looked side to side.
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Old 08-31-2018, 02:40 PM   #4520
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I went to a progressive Catholic High School, 1972-1974. We changed classes so the halls were very crowded after every class, students hurrying to get to their next class. I will never forget one loud, obnoxious girl who yelled "Hey, you with the head!" Nearly everyone stopped walking and looked side to side.
What a coincidence! I went to a progressive Catholic college. The longer I was there, the more Catholic it got.
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