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09-16-2018, 07:53 PM
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#4561
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 239
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Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman."
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck. One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. A very pretty brunette. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "Wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
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09-17-2018, 04:33 PM
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#4562
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,536
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Its funny joke Thursday!
.
__________________
Wisdom starts with wonder
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09-21-2018, 02:33 PM
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#4563
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 239
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This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you read combined.
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09-21-2018, 03:08 PM
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#4564
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 26,806
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09-21-2018, 03:15 PM
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#4565
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Administrator
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: N. Yorkshire
Posts: 34,021
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gretah
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you read combined.
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There are only 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55, moved to England in May 2016
Enough private pension and SS income to cover all needs
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10-01-2018, 11:25 AM
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#4566
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Conroe, Texas
Posts: 18,593
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Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:
"Are – my – test – results - back....!"
__________________
*********Go Astros!*********
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10-06-2018, 04:57 PM
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#4567
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Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 25,155
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An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel - you know how to fish!"
__________________
I thought growing old would take longer.
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10-06-2018, 05:01 PM
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#4568
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,290
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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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10-06-2018, 05:14 PM
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#4569
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,290
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If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!!"
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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10-06-2018, 06:31 PM
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#4570
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 35,712
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Another joke from Isaac Asimov:
A young lady was having lunch alone in a restaurant. She could not help overhearing a heated discussion from a table nearby with 4 men.
The first one said "Just spell it the simplest way: W-O-O-M".
The second said "No, you dope. There's a B in it. W-O-O-M-B".
"You do not have enough letters", objected the third. "I think it ought to be spelled W-O-O-O-M-M-B".
The fourth man said "It's nonsense to have duplicate letters. Besides, it has an R in it. W-O-M-B-R".
The young lady could stand it no more. Having finished her lunch, she walked over to the men's table and said "Excuse me, gentlemen. If you consult the dictionary, you will find that the word is spelled W-O-M-B. That's all". And she walked away.
The men looked after her with astonishment.
One finally said "Do you suppose that she could be right?"
Another man said "How can she be? A young girl like that? I am sure that never in her life she has ever had a chance to hear an elephant fart".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky (1879-1940)
"Those Who Can Make You Believe Absurdities Can Make You Commit Atrocities" - Voltaire (1694-1778)
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10-10-2018, 03:39 AM
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#4571
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Cville
Posts: 1,597
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This is what all of us over 70+, some other ‘seniors’, and kids (south of 60) can expect to encounter!
This happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.
She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The hospital receptionist said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
__________________
FIRE 31 Aug, 2018 - Always leave every place better than you found it, always give more than expected or Due
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10-15-2018, 04:55 PM
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#4572
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,290
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Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.
With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.
Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You've got to love this lawyer......
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?"
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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10-20-2018, 01:21 PM
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#4573
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,290
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Not in English, but it doesn't have to be:
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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10-20-2018, 05:11 PM
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#4574
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 7,271
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^ Had a guy that worked for me that was pretty much like this employee. Randy was no kind of shy about working hard and could accomplish massive projects with will and brute effort. He was also the best apartment cleaner we've ever had, male or female. On the down side, if he was in a poor mood he broke tools - if things weren't well in Randy world I believe he could break the head of a sledgehammer. Bravo to you Randy - I hope you are doing well.
__________________
"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama
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10-22-2018, 07:39 AM
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#4575
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Confused about dryer sheets
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aja8888
Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:
"Are – my – test – results - back....!"
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Classic!
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10-23-2018, 08:11 AM
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#4576
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Orlando, Fl
Posts: 950
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I thought these warning signs were all pretty funny. My favorite is the sign in the zoo. What's your favorite?
These Warning Signs Are Wrong In So Many Ways
__________________
"Some people describe themselves as being able to see things as a glass half full. For some, the glass is half empty. Me? I can't even find the f***king glass."
Silver
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10-23-2018, 11:36 AM
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#4577
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 12,880
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__________________
Al
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10-23-2018, 01:37 PM
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#4578
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Cville
Posts: 1,597
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver
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Gotta love that one “Camp in the mountains not the left lane”
Sounds like I need a new T-shirt
__________________
FIRE 31 Aug, 2018 - Always leave every place better than you found it, always give more than expected or Due
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10-25-2018, 06:46 AM
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#4579
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gone traveling
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 93
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Anybody using this technique?
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10-25-2018, 07:06 AM
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#4580
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Severn
Posts: 947
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Doesn't work well with a 2004 Cavalier.
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