It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[REWahoo]

Nords, the photo you posted of your "Big Bird" anti-contamination suit...



...looked very familiar to me but I just couldn't recall what it was. In the middle of the night I woke up with the answer: Woody Allen as Sperm #1 in the classic 1972 movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask":



Which reminds me of the joke about Sammy the sperm, who was determined to win the race to the egg...

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! Nords, the photo you posted of your "Big Bird" anti-contamination suit... ...looked very familiar to me but I just couldn't recall what it was.* In the middle of the night I woke up with the answer:* Woody Allen as Sperm #1 in the classic 1972 movie "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask": Which reminds me of the joke about Sammy the sperm, who was determined to win the race to the egg...

I've actually seen that movie. Glad I didn't have that picture in my brain when I was on active duty!

[Eagle43]

Why I fired my secretary.....

Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.

As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."

I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember.


My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent. As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had
Remembered. I Worked Until one O'clock and Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."

I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!" We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go.


We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day.. We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"

I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"

She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment"

After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."

"Ok." I Nervously Replied.

She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".....

And I Just Sat There..On The Couch... Naked.

[LovesLife]

That is too funny

[Sheryl]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

[Sheryl]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheryl There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I guess we could make a lot of money setting up a 1-800 hotline for those who forget. And we could save operating costs by using operators in India.
WAIT--SAY THAT AGAIN--I DO WHAT I DIDN'T UNDER STAND THAT--oH THE HELL WITH IT,,TO LATE NOW

Or we could do what I have done---I have the instructions tatooed (where I need it) and the words stay hidden until the big moment when they automaticaly appear as if by magic, if you you get my drift. 8)

[MJ]

Winners everyone of them

[Sheryl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPatrick Or we could do what I have done---I have the instructions tatooed (where I need it) and the words stay hidden until the big moment when they automaticaly appear as if by magic, if you you get my drift. 8)

I hope your wife/lady friend doesn't have to put on her reading glasses.*

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I'm pretty sure the only instructions that'll fit are:

"PULL!"



Probably time for the joke that has the punchline "Welcome to jamaica man, have a nice day" but its too early in the morning for that one.

[HFWR]

Objects in the mirror are larger than they appear...

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheryl I hope your wife/lady friend doesn't have to put on her reading glasses.*

No glasses required, I was blessed with enough space to allow the use of quite a large font

[HFWR]

Shorty's...

Unrolled, it says:

Eat at Shorty's Truck Stop in Chattanooga, Tennessee

8)

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPatrick No glasses required, I was blessed with enough space to allow the use of quite a large font

The size of the font doesn't matter much if the typeface is "QuickType Condensed"

[MikeD]

You know that joke is very popular even in other countries. In China, the joke says the tattoo reads something simple in one condition and something very complicated in another. The interesting thing is that the whole message is changed by adding a few chinese characters interspersed with the originals. I only remember that the ultimate message is "A river runs through it."

Mike D.

[JPatrick]

Not only that, my pupils double in size when I'm excited*

[REWahoo]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused
him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice,
"I have something that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky,
"Let the poison work."

A man has less than 24 hours to live, and he and his wife are discussing what they should do during his last night.

"Let's start by having a wonderful dinner," he says, "Then we'll stay up all night talking and making love."

"Well, that would be good," she replies, "But you know, some people have to get up and go to work in the morning."

"Well, I've got some bad news for you," says the doctor. "Your wife has Alzheimer's and aids. So, if she finds her way home, don't make love to her!"

"I've got bad news and worse news," says the doctor. "The bad news is that you have 24 hours to live. The worse news is that I forgot to tell you yesterday."