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Old 10-25-2018, 08:36 AM   #4581
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Old 10-26-2018, 05:47 PM   #4582
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Originally Posted by misterantsypants View Post
Anybody using this technique?
I guess Joe Biden is taking a break from the campaign trail.
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Old 10-26-2018, 06:33 PM   #4583
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Looks like Bob Uecker to me. That's also a minute and a half of my life I won't get back.
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Old 10-26-2018, 07:16 PM   #4584
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Looks like Bob Uecker to me. That's also a minute and a half of my life I won't get back.
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Old 10-26-2018, 07:37 PM   #4585
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Looks like Bob Uecker to me. That's also a minute and a half of my life I won't get back.

Maybe Larry David
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:17 AM   #4586
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A writer was sitting at his computer, trying to come up with an idea for a new book.

Two crows happened to fly by his window, swoop back, and land on his windowsill.

"Attempted murder!" he cried out then started typing furiously.
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:07 PM   #4587
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I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: "They're right behind you."
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:38 PM   #4588
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Mr. Jones described how the division of labor made for a happy marriage, particularly regarding decision making.

He said "I let my wife make the small decisions, such as what to eat for dinner, to which school to send the children, which car model to buy, etc..., while I ponder all the big and important decisions".

He was then asked, "What are the big decisions that you make?"

He said "I have to think hard about whether the US should declare war with another country, or whether the government should allow budget for a manned Mars mission. Things like that".
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Old 10-29-2018, 09:48 PM   #4589
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An eccentric billionaire sent out his assistant across the country to poll households. He would interview married couples. If of the couple, the man was the boss, he would give them a horse. If the husband was henpecked, he would give them a chicken.

The assistant traveled for months, and kept giving out chicken after chicken. One day, he landed at a farmhouse, and opening the door was a burly farmer, with arms as thick as people's thighs, and a deep bass voice.

The assistant asked "Are you the boss of the house?". And the farmer raised his fists, as big as a ham, and said in his booming voice "What I say around here goes".

The assistant was pleased, and said "I will give you a horse. Do you prefer a brown or gray one?"

The farmer turned back, and asked his small thin wife sitting in a rocking chair in the back knitting a sweater, "Tilda, do we get a brown or a gray horse?"

His wife answered without looking up "You get a brown horse".

The assistant said "No, you get a chicken".
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Old 10-30-2018, 05:45 AM   #4590
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Old 10-31-2018, 03:53 AM   #4591
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A Wish to Live
Forever

I met a magical fairy
yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy,
“I’m not allowed to grant that particular
wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”

“You crafty bastard,”replied the fairy.
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Friends Dog
Old 10-31-2018, 04:35 PM   #4592
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Friends Dog

A guy goes over to his friends house and his buddies St. Bernard is licking its testicles. The guy says to his friend, "Jeez I wish I could do that!". His friend pondered the comment and replied, "Maybe you should pet him first."
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Old 11-02-2018, 06:44 PM   #4593
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The Retirement Q&A!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing
without worrying about getting caught at it
Gene Perret


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.


'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!'
Groucho Marx

Question:
What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: Idiot

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Lunch.

I have never liked working.
To me a job is an invasion of privacy
Danny McGorty


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing; Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
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Old 11-03-2018, 02:53 PM   #4594
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Your Yearly Dementia Test
(only 4 questions)



No Looking Ahead for the answers ....

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test.
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


#1. What do you put in a toaster?









Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else. And try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2.


#2 Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?




















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat.


Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.







#3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?









Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this? PLEASE, go lie down!



But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.




#4. Do not use a calculator for this:

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia .
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.


Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?























Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!


Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

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Old 11-03-2018, 09:56 PM   #4595
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Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth, made many gaffes in his public life. There is a long list, compiled by the British media one can find on the Web. It makes for some fun reading.

Here are some examples.

"What do you gargle with – pebbles?" To Tom Jones, after the Royal Variety Performance, 1969. Prince Philip added the following day: "It is very difficult at all to see how it is possible to become immensely valuable by singing what I think are the most hideous songs."

"What about Tom Jones? He's made a million and he's a bloody awful singer." Response to a comment at a small-business lunch about how difficult it is in Britain to get rich.

"Can you tell the difference between them?" On being told by President Obama that he'd had breakfast with the leaders of the UK, China and Russia.

"Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" In the Cayman Islands, 1994.

"How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?" Asked of a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.

"Do you still throw spears at each other?" Prince Philip shocks Aboriginal leader William Brin at the Aboriginal Cultural Park in Queensland, 2002.
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Old 11-08-2018, 07:09 AM   #4596
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One of the things I love about Peru!
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...9e984908ee903d
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Old 11-08-2018, 01:34 PM   #4597
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One of the things I love about Peru!
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...9e984908ee903d
Obviously a companion alpaca.
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Blind golf
Old 11-15-2018, 11:16 AM   #4598
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Blind golf

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian Guy from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian guy from New York said, 'Why the F___ can't they play at night?
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Old 11-16-2018, 02:11 PM   #4599
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A programmer solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.



An auditor arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.



A banker lends you their umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.



An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.



A statistician is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.



A mathematician is a blind person in a dark room looking for a black cat that is not there.



A lawyer writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."



A psychologist watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.



A professor talks in someone else's sleep.



A consultant takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.



A diplomat can tell you to go to Antarctica in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.



An actuary brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.



A topologist doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.



A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours



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Old 11-25-2018, 06:52 PM   #4600
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Any version of the market!
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