It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Car-Guy]

Should be useful for many folks here....

 

[Car-Guy]

Ain't it the truth!


An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Mach 2 capable Eurofighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The fighter jet pilot is confused and asks: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to bad either
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

 

[Car-Guy]

Another Covid joke - but maybe not so funny!

 

[Jerry1]

New news from Covid.
Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?
Him: You weren’t really skinny to begin with.
Time of death: 11p.m.
Cause of death: Covid

 

[Car-Guy]

(I thought one of my better joke sources was starting to "run dry" but they sure had a bunch of new ones available today. However, some just didn't pass my screening criteria for posting at er.org) Anyway, here's the last one for today!

 

[Time2]

Watching a video of Reddit pickup lines bartenders heard.
" Do you want to come over and see my ceiling while I make excuses for 30 minutes?"

 

[CaptTom]

The fighter jet pilot is confused and asks: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.

When I first heard that it was a B52, not an Airbus. Basically the same punch line.

Still a good one!

 

[Jeb-NY]

The B52 story the pilot shut off 2 engines. and fighter jet only had two so could not match that maneuver.

 

[Out-to-Lunch]

The B52 story the pilot shut off 2 engines. and fighter jet only had two so could not match that maneuver.

That also brings to mind "the dreaded 7-engine approach."

 

[Alan]

Most quotes you read on the internet are false. - Abraham Lincoln

Because of Covid restrictions my suitcases have never left the closet. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have a book club.'

 

[Car-Guy]

Covid impacts cats too.

 

[doneat54]

Two young brothers go into a drug store, pick up a box of Tampons and take them to the back pharmacy counter to pay for them. The clerk starts to ring them up, notices how young they are and asks "Are these for your mom??".

"No" the older brother says, "they are for him", pointing to his younger brother.


The clerk, startled, says "Do you know what these are??"

"Not really" the older brother says, "but we saw them on TV, and it said that if you use them, you can swim and ride a bike. And he's 4 and can't do either of those things yet."

 

[Car-Guy]

 

[Car-Guy]

I've heard a few (maybe ~half) of these before but some new ones in there too.

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
12. Appropriate analogy. "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”
13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & asking for money.

 

[Car-Guy]

Everyone has their priorities

 

[Car-Guy]

A few mistress one liners

What is the definition of a mistress?
Something between a mister and a mattress.

The difference between a wife and a mistress is night and day.

How do you tell the difference between your wife and your mistress? The mistress doesn't ask where you were

Lady: Shame on you! I just heard the news about your affair! You have an eighteen-year-old mistress!
Man: That's old news! She's a twenty-three-year-old now!

What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? The mistress says "Oh darling! That was *wonderful*!" The wife says "Beige. I think we'll paint the ceiling beige."

 

[REWahoo]

...

 

[Car-Guy]

The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."

 

[Koogie]

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist ?


You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

[Car-Guy]

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist ?


You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I wonder if your wife and mine are related!

 

[Car-Guy]

Why "Certified as Original" documents are so important!



A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”
“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

 

[Car-Guy]

I've seen this one before (or a version of it) but I'm not sure if it was here or somewhere else. Regardless, I'm to lazy to search for it....

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.
Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

 

[Car-Guy]

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."