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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-07-2006, 09:54 AM   #461
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

"I've got bad news and good news." says the doctor. "The bad news is that you've only got one month to live."

"That's terrible," replies the patient, "What's the good news."

"The good news is that I finally got a date with that beautiful nurse over there."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-07-2006, 09:55 AM   #462
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Phew, glad to get those out of my system!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-07-2006, 09:56 AM   #463
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
"Well, I've got some bad news for you," says the doctor. "Your wife has Alzheimer's and aids. So, if she finds her way home, don't make love to her!"
Thats the short version.

The long version is that a guy calls the hospital to check up on his wife, who went in for a doctors appointment that morning and he hadnt heard from her all day.

The person he talks to says "well, we have two Mrs. Smiths here...hmmm...one has aids and the other has alzheimers...both have left the hospital"

"So what do I do?"

"When your wife comes home, send her out for a walk. If she comes back, dont **** her..."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-07-2006, 10:44 AM   #464
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Things to do at Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-07-2006, 10:52 AM   #465
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha
1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
Funny. I went shopping at sams club the other day and only had half my stuff when i got out to the car. Must have put it in someone elses cart by accident. Bet that had them guessing...

Wasnt as good as when i unloaded my cart at the checkout line and unbeknownst to me, my dad took off with the cart and the baby to "keep him entertained". I turned around and theres this dude holding an empty cart behind me. "Where the hell is my kid you SOB?!?" was halfway out of my mouth when I saw my dad whiz by behind us...

Sorry sir...uh...I think this adams apple belongs to you...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-09-2006, 08:10 AM   #466
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

[img width=750 height=488]http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b194/gonetomaui/pic03260.jpg[/img]
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-09-2006, 08:23 AM   #467
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Great bathroom, JP.

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...

"It's pronounced 'quiche'."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-09-2006, 10:46 AM   #468
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

"...and by the way, its also pronounced 'noo-cle-ahr' you moron!* We're not going to let you fire them off until you pronounce it right!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-09-2006, 12:22 PM   #469
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Amen, brother!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-10-2006, 06:08 AM   #470
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Good to be back after two weeks in FL, nice place but really don't want to live there.




God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez!"



And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.



God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said,



"What's a headache?!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-10-2006, 12:13 PM   #471
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Welcome back Outtahere. We've missed your jokes.

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-10-2006, 02:23 PM   #472
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Thanks Ha, definately good to be home ( and back to cable internet)
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-10-2006, 09:52 PM   #473
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Confucius say: (expletive)
Charity dinner for children mistakenly serves up naughty fortunes

NEW YORK (AP) -- There is great embarrassment in your future.

A box of X-rated fortune cookies was mistakenly delivered to a fundraiser hosted by a Brooklyn politician.

The 350 cookies stuffed with "the most graphically lurid" fortunes got mixed up in a batch of 1,750 cookies ordered for the Chinese New Year event, Borough President Marty Markowitz said Friday. Some guests "were stunned, to say the least."

The annual event -- to raise money to send poor children to summer camp -- was attended by some 700 guests Tuesday evening, but only about 80 were still there when the dirty cookies were opened, Markowitz said.

The borough president was on the second floor of the two-level restaurant when a guest "yelled to me from the first floor: 'Marty, did you order these cookies? Did you see what's inside them? I think you better get your butt down here!' " Markowitz said.

Markowitz, who was not wearing his glasses, had the "fortunes" read to him by some of the guests.

"I'm sure they were meant for a raunchy bachelor party," he said. "They were not cutesy. Triple X to say the least."


http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/02/10/nau....ap/index.html

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-11-2006, 11:15 AM   #474
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
The annual event -- to raise money to send poor children to summer camp -- was attended by some 700 guests Tuesday evening, but only about 80 were still there when the dirty cookies were opened, Markowitz said.
Who wants to attend a party where nearly 90% of the guests are gone by dessert?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-12-2006, 10:19 AM   #475
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Means more dessert for me!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-12-2006, 01:08 PM   #476
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.


The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story? ....... (Yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-12-2006, 01:14 PM   #477
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy is driving around Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a
house:"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks."Yes, I do," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog." Ten dollars," he says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap"

Mike D.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-12-2006, 05:59 PM   #478
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-13-2006, 07:21 AM   #479
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and West Virginia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-13-2006, 07:25 AM   #480
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A LITTLE BOY AND HIS BALLOON
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

* Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

* The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

* Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

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