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Old 07-27-2019, 01:56 PM   #4781
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Old 07-27-2019, 03:14 PM   #4782
Recycles dryer sheets
 
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Trying to make my DW feel better this morning I said "how does it feel to see Uma Thurman when you look in the mirror? She responded I am her cousin Uffdah Thurman (Minnesota reference.)"
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Old 08-01-2019, 08:47 PM   #4783
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Today is Friday,that means Thursday is far away from me,but very near.
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Old 08-22-2019, 07:24 PM   #4784
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(True story) Sign at a Urologist office: Urine good hands with us.
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Bbq joke
Old 08-22-2019, 07:45 PM   #4785
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Bbq joke

A cow, a pig and a chicken walk into a barbecue joint.


The end.
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Old 08-23-2019, 07:21 AM   #4786
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I recently saw someone pick pocket a midget, simply didn't realize anyone could stoop so low.
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Old 08-23-2019, 07:24 AM   #4787
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Originally Posted by frayne View Post
I recently saw someone pick pocket a midget, simply didn't realize anyone could stoop so low.
Hope he wasn't shortchanged.
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Old 08-23-2019, 09:03 AM   #4788
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Reception at urologist, answering the phone: "Urology office, can you hold?"
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(True story) Sign at a Urologist office: Urine good hands with us.
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Old 08-25-2019, 09:34 AM   #4789
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Cooking tip:

"If you're tired of always boiling water for pasta, just boil a few bottles the beginning of the week and freeze them for later!"
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Old 08-25-2019, 10:20 PM   #4790
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Cooking tip:

"If you're tired of always boiling water for pasta, just boil a few bottles the beginning of the week and freeze them for later!"
I don't bother with that, I just keep a package of freeze dried water on hand at all times.
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:19 AM   #4791
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"At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next."
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:23 PM   #4792
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I don't bother with that, I just keep a package of freeze dried water on hand at all times.
Freeze dried hot or cold water ? It's important
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Old 08-28-2019, 10:35 PM   #4793
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Old 09-01-2019, 11:37 AM   #4794
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Chocolate: The best thing you can put in your mouth without asking for permission.
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Old 09-01-2019, 11:52 AM   #4795
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Old 09-01-2019, 02:31 PM   #4796
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Hmmm. I wonder if they have a recipe for delicious roasted husband. I wouldn't mind trying that out on the one I've had sitting around the house for the past 43 years
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Old 09-08-2019, 04:00 PM   #4797
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Only in America! I walked into the BP gas station to get a drink and as I walked up, I noticed these two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there.. But anyway, I minded my own business and went inside and got my drink. As I was paying, I heard someone screaming. I'm talking violent death like screams. I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running like she was on hyper speed and going nuts!! When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.. I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn't she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? Being the nosey rosey I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for. The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM" !!
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Old 09-08-2019, 08:27 PM   #4798
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Saw this on the Web.

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”

Two days later, her doorbell rings.

The man introduces himself.

“Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman asks.

Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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Old 09-11-2019, 08:28 PM   #4799
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Three pastors, one each Baptist, Methodist, and Episcopal, were going to dinner with their wives. The van they were all in stalled on a train crossing. Train hit, all died and got to the Pearly Gates. Episcopal minister was told that his life was exemplary and his 30 years of pastoring was great, but he had an issue with drinking. He even married a woman named Brandy. The Methodist was admitted, thanked for his 33 years of pastoring. But his love of money reduced his reward. He even married a woman named Penny. The Baptist looked at his wife and said, Fanny, I believe that I am in trouble too.
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Old 09-12-2019, 12:47 AM   #4800
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A minister died and found himself waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. In front of him was a guy in sunglasses, a dirty Hawaiian shirt, and jeans.

St. Peter asked the guy "What's your name, so I can see if you may get admitted to Heaven?"

The guy answered "I am Pablo Rodriguez, taxi driver from New York".

St. Peter consulted his list, then smiled at the guy "Here's a silken robe and a golden staff. Welcome to Heaven".

When it was the minister's turn, he proudly announced "I am Joe Smith, pastor of St. Mary's church for the last 43 years".

St. Peter did not even need to consult his list. He said "Here's a cotton robe and a wooden staff. You may enter Heaven".

Joe Smith was taken aback. He finally protested "But, but, but the guy in front of me got such better treatment. What did he do, that taxi driver?"

St. Peter looked at the pastor with pity.

St. Peter said "I know you tried hard, but up here, we judge by results. When you preached, people fell asleep. When Pablo drove, his passengers prayed".
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