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09-12-2019, 01:54 PM
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#4801
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,346
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What really happens to that sample:
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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09-12-2019, 02:38 PM
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#4802
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 35,712
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What's the difference between love and marriage?
Love is blind.
Marriage is an eye-opener.
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky (1879-1940)
"Those Who Can Make You Believe Absurdities Can Make You Commit Atrocities" - Voltaire (1694-1778)
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09-12-2019, 02:47 PM
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#4803
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 35,712
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A woman complained to her friend: "My husband and I argue all the time. I am constantly upset. I have lost 20 lbs".
Her friend asked "If it is that bad, why have you not left him?"
The woman replied "I want to shed another 15 lbs".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky (1879-1940)
"Those Who Can Make You Believe Absurdities Can Make You Commit Atrocities" - Voltaire (1694-1778)
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09-12-2019, 03:06 PM
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#4804
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 35,712
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If you want your children to have a financially sound future, during math lessons, do not teach them to subtract.
Teach them to deduct.
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky (1879-1940)
"Those Who Can Make You Believe Absurdities Can Make You Commit Atrocities" - Voltaire (1694-1778)
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09-20-2019, 01:55 PM
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#4805
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Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 25,362
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Saw my doctor today. He asked me if I smoke.
I said "Yes, all the time."
He said "Cigarettes? Marijuana?"
"Mostly brisket and pork."
__________________
I thought growing old would take longer.
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09-20-2019, 05:34 PM
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#4806
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: The Great Wide Open
Posts: 3,804
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While on the smoking subject......
Years ago my doctor asked if I smoked. I told him never.
He asked me if I smoked while drinking alcohol. I told him never.
He asked me if I smoked when out with the guys. I told him never.
He asked me if I smoked after sex. I told him I never checked down there......
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09-24-2019, 06:00 PM
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#4807
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 7,299
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Wow. Local cop posting on the "Nextdoor" app here in Independence Oregon. Dang. Proud of him!
Community Engagement Manager Ramon Martinez, City of IndependenceAGENCY
A MESSAGE FROM INDEPENDENCE POLICE DEPARTMENT | UN MENSAJE DEL DEPARTAMENTO DE POLICÍA DE INDEPENDENCE
We at the Independence Police Department understand that some of Oregon’s laws can be confusing. We also understand that educating you about the laws when you are being placed into handcuffs may be a little untimely. We thought if we could avoid more paperwork, and you could avoid going to jail, we both win. So, we have decided to post periodic educational messages on how to avoid going to jail. Here is the first of many to come:
Prior to wearing someone else’s pants, please remove all drugs, drug paraphernalia, stolen goods or any other illegal items the “owner” of the pants may have left behind. “These are not my pants” is not an affirmative defense. Glad we could help.
Disclaimer: We are not attorneys and this message is not intended as legal advice. Please speak to an actual attorney prior to wearing someone else’s pants with drug filled pockets
__________________
"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama
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09-24-2019, 06:15 PM
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#4808
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Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 25,346
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calmloki
Prior to wearing someone else’s pants, please remove all drugs, drug paraphernalia, stolen goods or any other illegal items the “owner” of the pants may have left behind. “These are not my pants” is not an affirmative defense. Glad we could help.
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True story:
A police officer stops a car for a traffic violation, and sees illegal drug paraphernalia in plain view in the car. A subsequent search yields a large enough quantity of cocaine that amounts to a heavy-duty felony.
As the driver is being arrested he complains "But it's not even my car!"
"Oh? Then whose is it?"
"I dunno. I stole it."
Turned out to be a wise confession. Unauthorized use of a motor vehicle is a misdemeanor.
__________________
When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
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09-24-2019, 06:55 PM
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#4809
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,662
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On the theme of police notices...
They have one of those highway message signs in our tourist town. The police use it to post stern messages asking people to observe the speed limit. You know, the sort of stuff everyone ignores. Then someone got the bright idea to change it up. They've been putting variations on this theme on the sign lately:
"You made it! You're here now. Slow Down. Relax."
A little humor goes a long way. Gotta give credit were credit is due.
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09-25-2019, 02:32 PM
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#4810
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 12,880
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__________________
Al
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09-26-2019, 03:14 PM
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#4811
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lawn chair in Texas
Posts: 14,183
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__________________
Have Funds, Will Retire
...not doing anything of true substance...
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09-27-2019, 09:47 AM
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#4812
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Confused about dryer sheets
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Boston
Posts: 1
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Quote
Quote:
Originally Posted by cute fuzzy bunny
I cringe in advance for whatever Al comes up with. Saw this one and wanted to share...
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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09-27-2019, 10:04 AM
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#4813
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Colorado
Posts: 8,971
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Did you hear about the bald guy who didn't give up his comb?
He couldn't part with it.
A man called the doctor and said my wife is in labor and about to give birth, what should I do.
The doctor said is this her first child?
The man said no, this is her husband.
A blond woman returned home to find an envelope on her doorstep.
The outside said DO NOT BEND.
She stood there for an hour trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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09-30-2019, 08:57 AM
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#4814
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Administrator
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: N. Yorkshire
Posts: 34,130
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My wife and I were talking to her brother and his wife last night. He is a lawyer in England and when cases go to Crown Court his firm has to employ a Queen's Council (QC) to present the case in front of the judge and jury. QC's are the folks you see in English courts that wear the ancient looking powdered wigs and fancy silk gowns.
My BIL asks us if we remember a particular QC who is a good friend of his that he has worked with for many years. "You met him at our wedding 17 years ago, he made that very funny and witty speech at the reception".
So, this year he went on a Cunard cruise and was invited to sit at the captain's table one evening. (He must travel a lot on Cunard and spend LOADs of money!). He found himself sitting next to a lady and proceeded to introduce himself and talk at some length about his life and his achievements. Eventually he paused long enough to ask what she did, to which replied, "I'm the Queen of Denmark".
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55, moved to England in May 2016
Enough private pension and SS income to cover all needs
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09-30-2019, 09:26 AM
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#4815
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas: No Country for Old Men
Posts: 50,022
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan
. Eventually he paused long enough to ask what she did, to which replied, "I'm the Queen of Denmark".
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Oops!
__________________
Numbers is hard
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09-30-2019, 09:34 AM
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#4816
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 432
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan
Eventually he paused long enough to ask what she did, to which replied, "I'm the Queen of Denmark".
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So no accomplishments besides being born into nobility then?
Sound like you BIL had more to be proud of his life's work!
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09-30-2019, 10:17 AM
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#4817
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 8,368
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan
"I'm the Queen of Denmark".
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A variation I guess - women always used to say to me "Yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba".
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."
The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
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09-30-2019, 11:19 AM
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#4818
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Conroe, Texas
Posts: 18,735
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Queen of Denmark, heck, my wife refers to herself as "Queen Bee" every now and then.
__________________
*********Go Yankees!*********
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09-30-2019, 01:57 PM
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#4819
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Tampa
Posts: 11,300
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aja8888
Queen of Denmark, heck, my wife refers to herself as "Queen Bee" every now and then.
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Yeah I call my DGF that, so we all know where we stand.
__________________
TGIM
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09-30-2019, 01:58 PM
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#4820
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 12,880
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__________________
Al
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