It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Outtahere]

Yes I'm back at the office and have finally waded thru my email. I've posted the ones I feel comfortable posting (sorry Ha) and I just couldn't resist this one for you gaget guys.



Stun gun ....... .

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN... that hurt!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

[haha]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outtahere Yes I'm back at the office and have finally waded thru my email.* I've posted the ones I feel comfortable posting (sorry Ha)*

Hey, even with your governor on, you still "Da Champ".

Ha

[Outtahere]

The Ultimate Bet

A man walks into a Las Vegas bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He asks the bartender : "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three
tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives
him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says.

Here's what you need to do:

First. You drink this entire fifth of pepper tequila, the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached
orgasm. You've got to make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm no idiot! I won't
do it! You have to be nuts to drink a fifth of pepper tequila and then do those other two things."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

Time passes, the man's had a few drinks, and asks," Where ez zat
tequila?"

He grabs the fifth of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big
slurp. Tears stream from his blood red eyes - but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up. Those
inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then...silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and deep bloody dog bites all over his body.

"Now," he says. "where's that old woman with the sore tooth?"

Great!

[JPatrick]

An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for an exam.

Doctor: 'Paul, I ran your blood work, you have AIDS'.

Paul: 'AIDS?! I'm 85 years old.'

Doctor: 'I ran the test twice, you have AIDS'.

Paul goes home and calls his best friend Fred on the phone.

Paul: 'I can't believe I got HIV at 85.'

Fred: 'You think you have problems? I got GM at 90.'*

[JPatrick]

What time is it when the Big hand touches the little hand?
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Bed Time at Neverland Ranch.

[Outtahere]

Anyone that's had this proceedure knows you're probably NOT awake but it's funny anyway.

Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during
the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed
that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."


6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[REWahoo]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well
sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[REWahoo]

For those of you still working and longing for ER, here's a guy who wants out more than you...and with good reason.

WARNING: Explicit language

http://www.toilette-humor.com/tired_of_job.html

[JPatrick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! For those of you still working and longing for ER, here's a guy who wants out more than you...and with good reason. WARNING:* Explicit language http://www.toilette-humor.com/tired_of_job.html

Say what you want, but I still consider that the job of my dreams.

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPatrick Say what you want, but I still consider that the job of my dreams.

I never realized you were a closet civil servant.

(Just kidding, all you dedicated government employees.)

[artist59]

Entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic secong line
____

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[nwsteve]

A woman was in bed with her lover.when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! For those of you still working and longing for ER, here's a guy who wants out more than you...and with good reason.

Gosh, I thought they'd outsourced him long ago!

[REWahoo]

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that sh*t in Texas!"

[VoyT]

A couple -- already the parents of two very beautiful daughers -- were anxiously awaiting the birth of their third child.
Well, in due time, the baby was born -- it was another girl, and one of the ugliest babies ever delivered at the hospital.
The husband was distraught. "This can't be my daughter," he fumed. "This one looks nothing like her sisters! You've been fooling around on me," he accused his wife.
His wife just smiled and said, "Not this time, dear."

[Outtahere]

TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last two questions . .

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[Outtahere]

Three third graders -- an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game: "Let's see who has the largest weenie". They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing,"says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book . and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie." What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[cute fuzzy bunny]

By the way, this thread recently became the most replied to thread in the boards history. Second in views only to "Introduce yourself here..."

More views and replies than the religious diatribes, mortgage mutual destructions, safe withdrawal rate %#^@fests and any other discussion we've had.

Which shows that our good humor and funny, sometimes raunchy, occasionally repeated jokes rise above all.

[Outtahere]

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.