Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-20-2006, 06:32 AM   #501
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage. " Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
__________________

__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-20-2006, 08:09 AM   #502
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender:

"Give me 15 shots of whiskey -- I just had my first blow job (bj)."

He then downs them all, one right after another.

"Wow," says the bartender, "That was fast -- do you want another?"

"No, if that doesn't kill the taste, nothing will."
__________________
  Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-20-2006, 08:16 AM   #503
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy is at a bar, and after every drink, he pulls out a photograph, looks at it, then orders another. He gets drunker and drunker, and the bartender asks him whether he's looking at a picture of an old love.

"No," replies the guy, "This is a picture of my wife. I keep drinking, and as soon as she looks good to me, I go home."

__________________
  Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-23-2006, 03:07 PM   #504
Recycles dryer sheets
VoyT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 445
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first
chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?"
I lied about my age", Bob replies.
What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
__________________
"Coffee: the finest organic suspension ever devised." -- Kathryn Janeway
VoyT is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-23-2006, 03:21 PM   #505
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,412
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An elderly couple were standing in the courtroom in front of the judge.

The wife had stolen a can of peaches. The judge asked her how many
peaches were in the can she took. She replied that there were six.

He sentenced her to six days in jail - one for each peach she stole.

After hearing the sentence, her husband raised his hand to speak.

"Judge, you should know that she took a can of peas, too"!
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-23-2006, 03:31 PM   #506
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man goes to a wizard because he's unhappy with the size of his manhood. The wizard helps him by putting a spell on him.

"For the next 24 hours, every time someone says 'Excuse me' or begs your pardon, your organ will grow by a quarter of an inch."

Excited, the man gets on a bus, and purposefully nudges strangers. When each one says "pardon me," he can feel the change. He takes a discreet peek into his pants and decides he just needs one more, and he'll be just right.

As he's getting off the bus he gives a final bump to an elderly Chinese man. The man turns around, bows low, and says "A thousand pardons, sir!"
__________________
  Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-23-2006, 04:08 PM   #507
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
SteveR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,803
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
__________________
Work? I don't have time to work....I'm retired.
SteveR is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-24-2006, 08:12 AM   #508
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Eagle43's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: DFW
Posts: 1,823
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is for Jarhead....

Subject: Heaven



After USC coach Pete Carroll passes away and enters the Pearly Gates,
God takes him on a tour. He shows Pete a little 2-bedroom house with a
faded USC banner hanging from the front porch.*

"Well Coach, this is your house. Most people don't get their own house
up here," God explains.*

Pete looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting
on the top of the hill. It's a huge 2-story mansion with white marble
columns and little patios under all of the windows. Longhorn flags line
both sides of the sidewalk with a huge white and burnt orange UT banner
hanging between the marble columns.*

"Thanks for the home, God, but can I ask you one question? How come I
get this little 2-bedroom house with a faded University of Southern Cal
banner, and Mack Brown gets that big mansion with new Longhorn banners
and flags flying all over the place, What's up with that?"*

God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "Coach,
that's not Mack's house. That's my house."* *

__________________
Resist much. Obey Little. . . . Ed Abbey

Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.
Eagle43 is online now   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-24-2006, 09:29 AM   #509
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
HFWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lawn chair in Texas
Posts: 12,590
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A joke that could have only been created by a Texan...
__________________
Have Funds, Will Retire

...not doing anything of true substance...
HFWR is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-24-2006, 11:41 AM   #510
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
cute fuzzy bunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,697
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I remember Pete Caroll coaching the Patriots.

he's not going anywhere near heaven.
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
cute fuzzy bunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-24-2006, 05:23 PM   #511
Early-Retirement.org Founder
Developer of FIRECalc
dory36's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,824
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

NEW WORDS FOR THE WORKPLACE

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.


__________________
Often uninformed, seldom undecided.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain
dory36 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-24-2006, 08:58 PM   #512
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,375
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
This is for Jarhead....

Subject: Heaven





God looks at him seriously for a moment and then replies, "Coach,
that's not Mack's house. That's my house."* *




Credit, where credits due. Good one.

Didn't realize the big guy was a Longhorn fan, or I would have never bet against them.
__________________
Jarhead* is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-01-2006, 07:45 AM   #513
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Dawg52's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Central MS/Orange Beach, AL
Posts: 6,969
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

If you want your dog to grow up big and strong like mine, feed him/her Iams dog food. Your dog will love you for it.

Attached Images
File Type: jpg 139dunchic[1].jpg (36.3 KB, 265 views)
Attached Files
File Type: jpg_thumb 139dunchic[1].jpg_thumb (49.9 KB, 4 views)
__________________
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
Dawg52 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-04-2006, 05:49 AM   #514
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

David Letterman Top Ten Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

10. Gets winded purring

9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them

8. The Maury people call every damn hour

7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar

6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks

5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort

4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention

3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop

2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section

1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-04-2006, 07:43 AM   #515
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
cute fuzzy bunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,697
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Fire hydrants have H2O on the inside and K9P on the outside.
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
cute fuzzy bunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-05-2006, 06:09 PM   #516
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

You knew it was just a matter of time before someone came up with this game.

http://www.quailhuntingschool.com/flash.php
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-05-2006, 11:12 PM   #517
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The head machinist in a machine shop goes into work one day to find he has a new assistant. “Know anything about machining?” he asks. Turns out the kid knows nothing but seems game to learn.

“OK” the journeyman machinist says, “go over to the tool cage and check me out a round file.”

The kid goes over to the cage and tells the tool manager he needs a file for his boss.

“You mean one of these flat bastards?” the tool managerr asks.

“No, give me one of them round motherf**ckers.”
__________________
  Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-06-2006, 11:06 AM   #518
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-06-2006, 08:28 PM   #519
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,412
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

IMPORTANT NEWS FOR HUNTERS LIVING OR VACATIONING IN TEXAS:

Since Vice President Cheney’s accidental shooting incident, the Texas legislature has enacted emergency legislation to clarify provisions for the hunting and harvesting of attorneys. Relevant code sections follow.

§370.01 - Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

§370.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency or negotiable securities as bait, however, is prohibited.

§370.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

§370.03.a - The taking of attorneys with a moving vehicle shall be deemed accidental if skid marks appear at the collision site or if visibility is impaired by fog, darkness, precipitation, or sunlight.

§370.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or aircraft.

§370.05 - It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH," for the purposes of luring or trapping attorneys.

§370.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

§370.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels.

§370.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same; seasonal bag limits do not apply after election results are certified.

§370.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

§370.10 - Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortteasors, 1; Backstabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cutthroats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags.

§370.11 - Honest attorneys are protected from all hunting and trapping as provided under the Federal Endangered Species Act.

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-09-2006, 11:17 AM   #520
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,412
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

St Patricks day is coming up...


Murphy was 77 years old. He had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died.

He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.

One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.

On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"

St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth, Murphy, I didn't recognize you."
__________________

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:22 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.