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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-09-2006, 11:29 AM   #521
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Oldie but goodie

The Knob....

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called, "The Knob,"
where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful; the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
>>
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had
to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said,
"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the
goatee.


Sorry

Wally
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-09-2006, 08:23 PM   #522
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

TALKING DOG FOR SALE

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-09-2006, 11:56 PM   #523
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?

A: Because his d*** was stuck in the chicken!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-10-2006, 02:52 PM   #524
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

See how cell phones can you get you in trouble....

Wonderful Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk.* Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.* The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-10-2006, 07:27 PM   #525
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she
charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a
row--too expensive--and there were no discount s. The price was still
$1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever
been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your
sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-12-2006, 03:12 PM   #526
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

At the annual Gridiron Club political press roast Saturday night, Bush complained that the press blew the Cheney hunting accident way out of proportion: “Good Lord, you’d thought he shot somebody or something.”

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-12-2006, 05:18 PM   #527
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
At the annual Gridiron Club political press roast Saturday night, Bush complained that the press blew the Cheney hunting accident way out of proportion: “Good Lord, you’d thought he shot somebody or something.”
I'll bet that was greeted with nervous laughter. How does the press know the difference between his "serious" face and his "joking" face?

I wonder if anyone in the Bush administration has tried to succeeded in explaining the concept of Gridiron to him...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-13-2006, 06:01 AM   #528
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Butter vs Crisco


Bubba is showering in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his
friend is very well endowed. "Damn, Bob, you're really hung!"

Bob exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Bubba asked.

"Well, everyday for the past 2 years, I've spent an hour each night
rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it
grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Bubba agrees, and the two say good-bye.

A few months later, the two are in the same locker room, and Bob asks
Bubba how his situation was developing. Bubba replied, "I did what you
said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost 2 inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, we don't usually have real butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Dammit, Bubba, Crisco is shortening!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-13-2006, 06:03 AM   #529
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

And a few more short ones .... Enjoy!!



I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!

****
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

****
The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

****
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

****
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives."

Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

****
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

****

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife ... spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"


The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, ......."Take the poison".
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-13-2006, 09:40 AM   #530
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
Butter vs Crisco

"Well, everyday for the past 2 years, I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Oh Great, Outtahere - Now they will be having butter with their wheat bread every night!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-13-2006, 09:42 AM   #531
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

So THATS why my wife keeps buying all of that crisco!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-13-2006, 09:43 AM   #532
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Good grief!!! I NEVER thought of that. :
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-14-2006, 02:00 PM   #533
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Irishmen:

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says,

"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am" The first guy says, "So am I*

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I.

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says,

"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McClearly Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says,

"Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers,

"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says,

"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers,

"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims,

"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,

"It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-14-2006, 09:59 PM   #534
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Today is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's
birthday. He was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that after his first marriage dissolved in 1919,
the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

It is known as Einstein's Theory of Relativetitty.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-14-2006, 10:38 PM   #535
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Dave Barry (the smartest man in the world--see "Dave Barry's Guide to Guys".) once warned that breasts make men stupid. The issue was the Wonderbra, which he considered a danger to mankind. (They got me, Dave! I 'got lucky' that the rest of the package was a lot smarter than me and a whole lot nicer . I still don't know what women see in men. Just as well, as the race would die out rather quickly if they had both good eyes and horse-sense.)

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-14-2006, 10:49 PM   #536
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little jerk* ) to
audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."


Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.


A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question,
in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do..with the crumbs from the matzo?"


"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually
send them to the Internal Revenue Service."


"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service,* and
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-15-2006, 10:48 AM   #537
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ed_The_Gypsy
Dave Barry (the smartest man in the world--see "Dave Barry's Guide to Guys".)
"Babies and other hazards of sex"...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-15-2006, 11:00 AM   #538
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A good friend sent this. I think most of us rednecks and bluebellies will enjoy it.

This is the best Bush impression I've ever seen.
This guy appeared at the roast of Jeff Foxworthy. He's hilarious.

Performer's name is Steve Bridges.

http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-15-2006, 11:36 AM   #539
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJ

Performer's name is Steve Bridges.
Mr. Bush Bridges is frequently interviewed by Jay Leno. One of my favorite bits on the show.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 11:53 AM   #540
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Today's Thursday!
No joke yet.
What? Every other day's good enough, but Thursday is pffft!?
So this guy walked into a bar....
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