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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 11:57 AM   #541
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after
we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 12:07 PM   #542
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by frayne
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after
we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



This one is dedicated to Apocalypse..

Iraqis On Star Trek

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what Iíve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, thereís Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is ChineseÖ but there aren't any Iraqis. Why arenít there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 02:17 PM   #543
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's
population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely schnockered.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use
aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards,
because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other
poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a
three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the
following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be
able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom
floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's
where you'll probably end up:

1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There
is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a
large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St.
Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot
stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason
to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state
when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on
your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar
if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative,
since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city
in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The
Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned
by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The
bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait
in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences.
While we do recommend
the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really
doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by
the toxic stench of vomit.

We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the
stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as
you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream
and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur
while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with
whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing
will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.


Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat
something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man
drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to
maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that
could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or
Pop
Tarts.

Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will
soak
up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to
slur.

If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most
frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day
besides I'm pregnant: "You're cut off".
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only
one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green
beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food
coloring.

Leg 3: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and
bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job
correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it
really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish
people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by
ambulance.
Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are:
Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about
it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all
piss-arsed, pig-bleeping bastards who should be lined up and kicked
into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least
three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the
Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout
this leg,

although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat
has become irregular.


The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at
closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content
of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by
now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing
time with honor is to be hauled away by the police.

Throw a punch. It doesn't
matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,
anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control
has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you
can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen
minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final
impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged
from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with
you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the
bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to
bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day
experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't
physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.
Tune in next month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons
of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 03:58 PM   #544
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I'm taking tomorrow off...NO WAY I want to be in Boston tomorrow, BTDT and it's not pretty LOL
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 04:24 PM   #545
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I *liked* boston on st pattys day.

My first one in SF was frickin weird. All the bars rolled down the doors at about 9:00 and that was it... :P
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 05:05 PM   #546
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute 'n Fuzzy Bunny
I *liked* boston on st pattys day.

My first one in SF was frickin weird. All the bars rolled down the doors at about 9:00 and that was it... :P
You must not have been at Abbey Tavern out on Geary.

Used to be wild ones downtown in the 70's - street party - but fighting in the streets -somebody died and insurance concerns, etc. changed things....
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2006, 10:32 PM   #547
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

dory,

UncleMick and I are going to give you a blanket party.

DanTien,

Quote:
Iraqis On Star Trek
ROTFLMAO!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-17-2006, 12:41 AM   #548
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

In honor of My Favorite Holiday, St. Patty's Day, here's Denis Leary's traditional Irish Folk Song:

They come over here
And they take all our land
They chop off our heads
And they boil them in oil
Our children are leaving
And we have no heads
We drink and we sing
And we drink and we die

We have no heads
We have no heads

They come over here
And they chop off our legs
They cut off our hands
And put nails in our eyes
O'Grady is dead
And O'Hanrahan's gone
We drink and we die
And continue to drink

O'Hanrahan
No O'Hanrahan

They buried O'Neil
Down in country Shillhame
The poor children crying
And fe dee din de
Hin fle di dinfle
Di din fle de din de
In hey bibble bibble
Hey bibble bibble
Hey fle bibble de

O'Hanrahan
No O'Hanrahan

We drink and we sing
And we drink and we sing
Hey!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-19-2006, 10:30 PM   #549
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use
knockin'; there's no paper on this side either."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 12:16 PM   #550
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How to be Politically Correct

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 07:51 PM   #551
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I was going to leave this response in the thread, but I suppose it would be better to move it here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute 'n' Fuzzy Bunny
While we're on the subject, anyone know exactly how much whiz is in cheese whiz?
Can you tell by taste tests?

Yesterday while we were running a landscaping errand, our kid remarked that mulch smelled like horse poop.

I said "Yes, but luckily they taste completely different."

Like a typical teenager, she just nodded her head to acknowledge hearing yet another piece of useless parental advice fly over her head.* She didn't finish processing the thought until we were halfway home.* Of course spouse had no sympathy for her complaint.

In the family tradition, as did I, now that it's been used on her she's gonna save it to use on the next generation... or at least to traumatize a few kindergartners on our street.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 08:34 PM   #552
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy O'Bryan , looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face
is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks JPatrick, : the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little s**t, O'Conner," says JPatrick, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says JPatrick, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 08:37 PM   #553
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Nords, you suck all the fun out of my life.

Its late for st pattys day jokes. But still good.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 08:43 PM   #554
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Brenda JPatrick is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at
the CoronaGuinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. You husband* is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of CoronaGuinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"
==================================================
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 08:47 PM   #555
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

...and finally wed in the state of massachussetts, the two well known gay irishmen, Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 08:57 PM   #556
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Mary JPatrick goes up to Father McDougal after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says,"He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that* f@#&#* gun.'
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 09:01 PM   #557
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute 'n' Fuzzy Bunny
...and finally wed in the state of massachussetts, the two well known gay irishmen, Hugh Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzhugh...
This one took me a while, but then I recalled why the old codger who was retiring never took a sick day...

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 09:18 PM   #558
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eh, I hear ya slow up when ya get old...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 09:19 PM   #559
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2006, 09:21 PM   #560
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute 'n' Fuzzy Bunny
Eh, I hear ya slow up when ya get old...
I've heard the same thing. If I get there I'll try to remember to give you a report.

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