Its funny joke Thursday!

[Sheryl]

Forgot to post my favorite St. Pat's day joke:


What's Green and sits beside the swimming pool?










Paddy O'furniture.

[Sheryl]

Where does Napoleon keep his Armies?













In his sleevies.

[Martha]

Originally Posted by Sheryl

Forgot to post my favorite St. Pat's day joke:


What's Green and sits beside the swimming pool?










Paddy O'furniture.

Our version was what is green and sits outside all winter. . .

He fell into a vat of Guinness...

Like* the optician who fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

A man goes on a business trip and leaves his cat with a neighbor. When he calls in to check on the pet the friend says "Your cat died." The man is heartbroken, and asks "Couldn't you have broken it to me gently? The first time I called you could have said 'The cat is up on the roof' and later, 'The cat fell off the roof, and it doesn't look good'", etc, etc. █
█
Well, he gets a new cat, and next time he goes away he leaves the new animal with the same neighbor. A week later he calls him up and says

"How's my cat?"

The neighbor replies, "Your cat's fine, but your mother is up on the roof." █

[VoyT]

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best
positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing
with my ands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective
prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas,"
he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole."

[Eagle43]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the recent death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died
peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started

[Outtahere]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this! is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $2000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT! " the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie!, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my! perch!"

[REWahoo]

Native American wisdom:


An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial
pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for
90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen
his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all
these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied ....

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes,

No debt,

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver,

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,

All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .... "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."

[poboy]

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart .. what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

[Outtahere]

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his
home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected
his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly, arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into
the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife
shouted..."Don't do it.." This man has been very generous. I lied when
I told you I inherited money. He pays the mortgage on our dream house.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin
cruiser He paid for your season Green Bay Packers Tickets. He paid for
our house at the lake. He pays our kids college fund. He paid for our
country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues".

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the
gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket, before he
catches a cold".

[Outtahere]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."



"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

[Outtahere]

This is the best Clinton - Cheney joke I've seen.

[Outtahere]

Black Testicles:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse",
he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black? "Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?

"Concerned that he may elevate his blood ! pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Outtahere]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the woman called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The woman said "That Son-Of-A-Bitch had $500 in quarters."

[OldAgePensioner]

Countess Outtahere,
good ones.

I wish I had heard the black testicles one before I was gettin those sponge baths.

[Outtahere]

curtseying demurely Thank you OAP, that one would have been perfect!

[Outtahere]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

[Nords]

I've spent most of my life immersed in this worldwide conspiracy, and I'd like to thank Kramer over at Raddr's board for calling it to our attention:

http://www.dhmo.org/