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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-27-2005, 10:17 PM   #41
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My friend, who is bald, went to look at toupees. Most of the toupees that he saw, the hair was not very lifelike; however there was one toupee that the salesman showed him that was made with cat hair; although it was twice as expensive as all the other toupees he really liked how it felt and looked on his bald head so he took it.

Two days later, he had to return it. When asked why, he told the salesman, "every time I comb my hair my a$$ raises in the air!!!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-27-2005, 11:49 PM   #42
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-28-2005, 12:01 AM   #43
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

DEATH OF A CONSULTANT


A consultant dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.* A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the consultant sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The consultant is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says,

"Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter.

"We've added up your time sheets."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 01:17 PM   #44
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."






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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 02:30 PM   #45
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 02:49 PM   #46
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees.

The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman.

"I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 03:26 PM   #47
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Subject: Attorneys...Ask the right questions only!

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, in a small Southern town the prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster too. He's lazy! , bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail"










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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 04:49 PM   #48
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class:
"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to
10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to
look his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body
expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask
such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my
parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have
you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted,
he asks the class the question again.

This time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam," says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3
things to tell you. First, it's clear that you have NOT
done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And
third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 05:59 PM   #49
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The teacher asked her class "What animal is depicted on a weathervane?"

Immediately, Little Johnny's raised his hand, waving frantically. The teacher, knowing Johnny probably had some smart-assed answer, waited and waited for someone else to respond. Finally, after an uncomfortable silence, the teacher called on Johnny.

"Ok, Johnny, what animal is depicted on a weathervane?"

"A cock", Johnny replied, grinning .

"Yes, Johnny, that's correct. It is a cock, which is also known as a rooster. So now can anyone tell me why the cock or rooster is used for a weathervane?"

Again, only Johnny's hand went up...

"Ok, Johnny, why is the cock used on a weathervane?"

"Well, teach", he answered. "Because if it were a c*nt, the wind would blow right through it!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 06:44 PM   #50
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Now my question - why is it always Johnny instead of Tom, Dick, or Harry -how come they pick on him?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 06:46 PM   #51
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Maybe it's JG...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-29-2005, 10:12 PM   #52
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I have the joke of the thread. I'm in my mid 20's and I just received my Social Security benefits statement in the mail.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 07:20 AM   #53
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

For FJT


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their aches and pains and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give them my advice," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.






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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 08:33 AM   #54
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."



And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 08:48 AM   #55
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy is in a bed in the hospital, and he has an oxygen mask on.* The nurse comes in and he asks (muffled, through the mask): "Are my testicles black?"

"What?!" says the nurse.

"Are my testicles black?"

"Oh, I'll have to get the head nurse for that."* And she leaves and comes back with the head nurse.

"Are my testicles black?" he asks the head nurse.* So the head nurse pulls down the covers, lifts his gown, lifts his member, and examines his testicles.

"No, sir, your testicles are not black."

The man whips off his oxygen mask, and yells:

"Are my TEST RESULTS back!!?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 08:52 AM   #56
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat
I have the joke of the thread.* I'm in my mid 20's and I just received my Social Security benefits statement in the mail.* *
"He's a dog..."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 11:01 AM   #57
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
And don't forget: "As long as you're up there, can you check out my tonsils?"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 03:53 PM   #58
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Or "You're done...I can feel the probe tapping the bottom of the inside of my skull..."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 04:39 PM   #59
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

"I taste metal"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-30-2005, 10:03 PM   #60
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

For all you Mary Poppins fans out there-

A wandering monk walked barefoot everywhere he went, to the point that the soles of his feet eventually became quite thick and leathery.

And because he ate very little, he gradually became very frail.

Several days often passed between opportunities to brush his teeth, so he usually had bad breath.

Therefore, throughout the region, he came to be known as the super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

ha
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