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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2006, 12:40 PM   #581
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
The theory has pretty much been watered down, hasn't it?
On the contrary, the global warming conspiracy is making it deeper every day...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2006, 12:42 PM   #582
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
On the contrary, the global warming conspiracy is making it deeper every day...
(...never thought I'd be saying this to you, of all people...) Nords, I think you are in over your head on this one.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2006, 12:43 PM   #583
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Penn and Teller did that in the last "bullshit!" show I watched. Got a few hundred people at a rally to sign a petition to ban water by calling it dihydrogen monoxide. Including the spokesperson for whatever treehugger group was sponsoring the rally.

Didnt hurt that they had a hot woman asking for sigs I suppose.

She had a good spiel..."its in our water, our babies food and milk, our meat, all of our vegetables. And theres a lot of it in the ocean!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2006, 05:45 PM   #584
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Another group got thousands of signatures supporting "overhead sewer lines" in San Francisco. "It's just to get it on the ballot." they told the potential signers.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2006, 10:43 PM   #585
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
Nords, I think you are in over your head on this one.
NOW I find out...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-05-2006, 10:28 PM   #586
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-05-2006, 10:44 PM   #587
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Santa Claus wears a red suit, he's a communist.
Has a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

Arlo Guthrie
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-06-2006, 06:44 AM   #588
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It's All On Your Driving License

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, "the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady - honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are; you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"You got an F in sex."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-06-2006, 08:26 AM   #589
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua, New York..
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for
what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.


"No, five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back
,"Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual.


Sure enough, there was the hooker.

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-13-2006, 09:36 PM   #590
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Saw this pic. and thought that I would post
Attached Images
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Attached Files
File Type: jpg_thumb index.jpg_thumb (35.4 KB, 2 views)
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-13-2006, 11:02 PM   #591
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

* * A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of
conversations with legislators....



* * *1. A congresswoman asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.


* * *2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts,"
* * * * Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa,"
* * *Her response - click.

* * * * *3. A senior* congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"


* * * *4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."


* * * *5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to rive between gates to save time."

* * * * *6. A congresswoman called last week She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


* * * *7. A* lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"* She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
* After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT),and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


* * * * 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"


* * * * 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."


* * * * 10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, Yeah, whatever, smarty!"


* * * * 11. A senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"


* * * * *12. A* Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words.* Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."* The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"*
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"* The reply?* * "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".







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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-18-2006, 10:17 PM   #592
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

After polishing off a wheat bread sub hoagie po-boy, Jarhead stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!"

Jarhead answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break, Jarhead! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-19-2006, 01:11 PM   #593
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-19-2006, 06:42 PM   #594
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

"What will you have?" asks the bartender

"Anything", says the Seal"as long as it isn't Canadian Club on Ice"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-19-2006, 07:54 PM   #595
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

...


"Anything", says the Seal"as long as it isn't Canadian Club on Ice"

Ba dump ta (rim shot)
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-20-2006, 05:56 AM   #596
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him, "Every time I take my friends out in my car, there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I'm alone."

The mechanic was puzzled, so he said, "OK, let's go for a spin and see what the problem is." Off they went.

She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerved, hit the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?" The mechanic replied, "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-20-2006, 08:15 AM   #597
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restauranteur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" praised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little punk... If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-20-2006, 10:19 AM   #598
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Do, the stuff I buy beer with,
Re, the guy I buy beer from,
Mi, the guy I buy beer for,
Fa, the distance to the store,
So, I think I'll have a beer,
La, la la la la la la [sing it like you're drunk],
Ti? no thanks, I'll have a beer,
And that brings us back to Do
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-20-2006, 05:48 PM   #599
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An entire planeload of TV and newspaper reporters, following a political candidate, crashed. All were lost.

At the Pearly Gates, everyone was being promptly assigned to their respective destinations, except the male reporters from the New York Times, who were all held outside the gates for some reason.

After a while, the most senior of the New York Times reporters walked past some bearded men who setting up chairs and tables, and approached the gate. He asked St. Peter why they were being delayed.

St. Peter replied, "Well, everyone admitted here must undergo a trial of sorts, to determine eligibility."

The reporter asked, "But why was everyone else already processed, and just the New York Times male reporters kept here, outside the gates?"

St. Peter responded, "We have a special procedure for you. Let's walk over here," and he walks over to where the old bearded men were still setting up tables and chairs.

"Let me introduce you", St. Peter says. "These are the souls that try Times men."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-20-2006, 06:05 PM   #600
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dory36
"These are the souls that try Times men."
Ahhhhh, yes. The groaner, also known as a shaggy dog story or a feghoot. You can find anything online, including this site containing almost 2,000 of these priceless gems... :P

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