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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-20-2006, 09:13 PM   #601
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-25-2006, 09:40 PM   #602
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

So this guy forgets his anniversary. His wife is realllly mad at him.

"There better be something for me in the driveway by the end of the day tomorrow that goes 0-200 in less than 3 seconds!" She decrees.

The next morning she looks out and sees a small object in the driveway. Going out to investigate she discovers a brand new bathroom scale.

His funeral is this saturday.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-26-2006, 08:25 PM   #603
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Finally! Someone photographed the pot at the end of a rainbow.

And you thought it was filled with gold...

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-27-2006, 06:01 AM   #604
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and asks,
"Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-27-2006, 07:51 AM   #605
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two midgets (er little people) are partying in Vegas late one night
Lets get some hookers. the other agrees.
They take the ladies back to their adjacent rooms.
One midg er little guy is rolling around for 10 minutes, nothing's happeneing, bummed out, he suggests they just go to sleep.

From the next room he here's all hell breaking loose.

Oh YEAH! almost there, BAM pow,

I got it, I got it, Yeah OH YEAH BAM pow (Furnitures flying).

I'm THERE< I"M THERE! BOOM POW.

The first guy is completely dejected and covers his head with his pillow and goes to sleep.

Next day the first Midget is totally mortified eating breakfast and in comes his' little buddy skipping and dancing.

He asks How was your night.

First one says, horrible first time in my life I couldn't get it up, I can't beleive it.

Second Midget says, don't feel bad, I couldn't even get ON the bed......

Sorry.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-27-2006, 12:03 PM   #606
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

why can't a lesbian diet and put on make-up at the same time?

because you can't eat jenny craig when you have mary kay on your face.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-28-2006, 08:44 AM   #607
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your privates in the mirror, scratch yourself and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partial dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire size of privates.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-28-2006, 05:05 PM   #608
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL Outtahere!

I'm sending this one on.

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-28-2006, 07:11 PM   #609
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ha, I thought for sure someone was spying on dh and I when I read this, laughed so hard I was crying. Glad you enjoyed it.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-01-2006, 06:04 AM   #610
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, But can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under it, and course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up
people.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha- Ha !!! You thought it'd be male,
didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it...And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to
push he keeps trying!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-03-2006, 07:19 PM   #611
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Alternative medicine:

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-05-2006, 02:15 PM   #612
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

To Clean Your Toilet?

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may ?need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


From the Dog


Note: I don't know too many dogs that would tolerate putting a cat in their water dish. Heck, I get the evil eye from him every time I take a leak in there.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-05-2006, 07:24 PM   #613
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages in Florida.

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite their age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 01:18 AM   #614
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

REWahoo:

Will you be my personal trainer?

Gypsy
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 07:53 AM   #615
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Subject: Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same
After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain)

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 07:57 AM   #616
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!



Btw, it's "rernt"... :P
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 09:18 AM   #617
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL thanks... I did a cut and paste and besides, I have an excuse , I'm a yankee
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 09:22 AM   #618
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
Subject: Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'
What was that old george carlin bit? If you're bored and want a laugh, watch an old cowboy movie, but replace all the uses of the word "kill" with the word f--k...

"Ok sheriff...we're gonna f--k ya now...but we're gonna f--k ya slow..."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 12:31 PM   #619
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
"Ok sheriff...we're gonna f--k ya now...but we're gonna f--k ya slow..."
Hunh... I used to work for that guy!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-08-2006, 04:53 PM   #620
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An old man with no arms and no legs, who's had a hard life without much luck, is lying on the beach alone when a gorgeous woman comes walking by. Seeing him, she comes over and says, "you poor thing, you must be so lonely. Have you ever been kissed?" He says no, and she cradles his head and kisses him. "I guess, then, you've never been f**ked?" she asks. "No, ma'am." She picks him up and hurls him into the sea, and says "now you're f**ked."
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