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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-10-2006, 09:24 PM   #641
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Pvt. Johnson has just returned from his first ever tour of duty in Iraq, and is catching up with his old friends from home. He tells them all about the life there, including the all day-every day work, the constant fatigue, the dust and the noise as they went around Baghdad hunting down insurgents. He starts to describe one of his off-duty adventures with a hot medic from bravo company, and his friends egg him on to delve into grittier and grittier detail.

"So we was off the base, and mind you this f***in' broad was f***in' hot, and man, the weather was hot as f*** out too, just f***in' hot and with sand f***in' everywhere, and we was f***in' hangin' around on the edge of town, way out in the middle of f***in' nowhere. She was f***in' all like, 'let's get some lemonade,' and I was f***in' thinking, no f***in' way, man, not when I'm f***in' out here with this f***in' smokin' babe, who's got these huge f***in' bazongas. I mean, huge, man -- they were f***in' like, like f***in' watermelons, no f***in' kidding. I was f***in' parched and sh**, and there was f***in' sand all f***in' over, even in my f***in' clothes, but holy f***in' f**!"

"So," asks one of the guys. "What happened?"

"What the f*** do you f***in' think?! We had sexual intercourse."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-11-2006, 07:53 AM   #642
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

http://wokeuptoday.blogspot.com/2007...ut-goodie.html
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-11-2006, 10:41 AM   #643
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Iranian President's letter to Bush:

Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey depoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) Shah-licking son of a toad's offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope should you wish to reply.

(429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal System excised)

. . . Do you not realize you are beaten, as a donkey is beaten, but knoweth not his donkeyhood is cursed? Your comics have turned against you in your own lair, and mock you without mercy. We have seen the videos of the Meal of the Correspondents, and we know how your left regards the men of the laugh as prophets and seers. It is only a matter of time before Johnny Carson (applause be upon him) returns from occlusion to request that you, Mr. President, take the Slauson cutoff, get out of your car, and cut off your Slauson, Hi-yo, salaam. And a third part of the Slauson shall be stained with the tears of the womenfolk, and (9323 words excised)

. . . Our people glow with pride over our nuclear efforts, sometimes literally. I repeat that the enrichment is for peaceful purposes only, and we seek only peace, and peace is our goal, and there is nothing more we love than peace. Except death. Sorry; forgot. Death is definitely number one. In third place of things we love, well, there were those nice ice-cream desserts they had at this little place in Tehran. When I was Mayor I had them brought in on Fridays. Good times, good times. But once I found a hair.

(2356 words excised concerning Jewish penetration of the Iranian Dessert-Industrial complex)

... Na na na nah, nah, everything's underground! And your Congressors cut funding for the nuclear bombs which permit the busting of the bunker. Na na na! I do a taunting dance and cock my hips mockingly! In sudden seriousness, please to be thank them for this, although we lost a day's work in the labs due to the celebration. I even permitted the drinking of whiskey, and decreed that the suppliers of alcohol be only lightly killed. (549 repetitions of “na na na na” excised)

. . . and if you had the problem I have with razors you would know why my beard seems so tentative at times; if I may speak with you man to anointed hastener of the Apocalypse, how do you get such a smooth shave? A hot towel? Perhaps the Five-Blade Razor of which we have heard muttered rumors? Personally, I use an exfoliating agent which (8343 words excised)

. . . and Jack Bauer will not be able to save you this time, my friend. If there is an attack on our country we will double our aid to the Iraqi patriots, double our funding to Hezbollah and its female auxiliary wing Sisboombah, and double again our attempts to secrete through your borders weapons both chemical and biological.

Ah – er, reduce everything I said in the previous paragraph by half. We will START doing those things. Yes, that is the thing that is the ticket: start. We will also use our fearsome weapons of unspeakable lethality to destroy your planes before they are even built, let alone launched. We can sink your mighty aircraft carriers by shouting in unison, so great is our national will.

. . . Seriously, when I came to the UN and you didn't even send a fruit basket, it hurt. Did you not see how well I was received? Did you not see the light of God that surrounded me when I spoke, how no one blinked as I related our message, how doves came out of my mouth and the pants of all were filled with flowers. Did you not note how the exact number of letters I spoke divided by the sum (in Euros) we paid the Chinese engineers was the winning lottery number the following week? Including the Powerball? And you seek to confound my work to bring back the Messiah and bring the world once more into the arms of Islam? Including all penguins?

What are you, nuts?

Sincerely and Death to America,

Mahmoud, descendant of Xerxes, 34th degree Mason, personal valet of the hidden Imam, and not just a member of the Hair Club for Men – I'm also the President! Death to America.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-11-2006, 12:27 PM   #644
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanTien
That was one of the funniest skits I've ever seen, even better than his schtick with Jeff Foxworthy.* Especially where Bush v2 was the voice running amok inside Dubya's brain.

Can you imagine what the Smothers Brothers would have done with something like that during their Vietnam War special?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-11-2006, 02:57 PM   #645
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

NBA or the NFL?*

36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at* least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71,repeat 71 cannotget a* credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21currentlyare defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving within the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?* NBA?* NFL?



Give up?* Scroll down


Neither. It's the 535 members of* the United States Congress.

The same group who crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep US in line.

Note:* I don't know if this is true or not, I just suspect it is.* Eagle
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-11-2006, 06:19 PM   #646
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ever been up $hit creek without a paddle?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-12-2006, 01:47 PM   #647
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Five surgeons are discussing which patients make the best surgical
candidates.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table.
When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. And if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal."

But the fifth surgeon topped them all. "You're all wrong. Politicians are> the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no
brains and no spine. And on top of that, the head and the ass are
interchangeable."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-12-2006, 04:48 PM   #648
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hey Steve--

the way I first heard this was that the fifth patient was a LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!

on 2nd thought maybe the patients are interchangable!!!!!

Professor
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-12-2006, 08:07 PM   #649
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Iranian President's letter to Bush:
........
ROLFLMAO!!!

This guy is a fruity as Idi Amin.

I work with an Iranian [Persian, to you, mate] who flew the coop. He is in dispair. He wants the Arabs and Muslims to leave his country so they can go back to Zorastra.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-12-2006, 08:30 PM   #650
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ed, you're too funny today.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 11:19 AM   #651
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last..
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 01:08 PM   #652
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now* (works every time).
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
The Scientific American did some research on these two in Dec '95.

The probability of another traffic lane moving faster is much higher than the probability of your lane moving faster.* On a six-lane highway, odds are five-to-one that another lane will move faster than yours.* Odds are even that it's the lane you just abandoned.* But I haven't personally checked these odds since I ER'd.

After extensive research with buttered toast, SciAm concluded that the average human height is exactly sufficient to allow a dropped object to rotate 180 degrees.* If we were about nine feet tall it would usually land butter-side up.* These results are deemed reproducible with jelly and perhaps even peanut butter...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 03:12 PM   #653
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My son’s new father-in-law from Minnesota told me this one at the wedding dinner.

Oly from upstate moved into a Catholic neighborhood in St. Paul. He still had his cabin upstate, so he went hunting and fishing up there every chance he got and filled his freezer. All summer long he liked to grill fat venison steaks every Friday after work.

Well his Catholic neighbors liked venison too, and it was really torturing them to have to sit down to their fish or casseroles every Friday while Oly tucked into his steaks.

So they came up with a plan to try to convert Oly to the Catholic religion. They talked to their priest who thought it was a good idea, as it would make his parishioners more comfortable, and also bring another poor soul into the fold. The Father stopped by and found Oly open to being converted. He started his studies very shortly. Finally he was ready for his graduation and baptism. In a church full of his neighbors, the priest sprinkled holy water on Oly and chanted repeatedly, "Oly, you were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic; Oly you were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic…." Then right before Oly left, the priest reminded him to eat no meat on Friday.

So next week Friday afternoon rolls around, and the people in Oly's neighborhood are shocked to smell that old familiar smell of venison steaks on the grill. They decide to hike over to Oly’s* and see what has gone wrong. When they come around the hedge, they see Oly bent over his grill, shaking what looks like garlic salt on his venison. He is chanting something, so they move closer to be able to hear.

Oly is saying, "You were born a buck, raised a buck, but now you are a walleye; you were born a buck, raised a buck, but now you are a walleye…”
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 04:13 PM   #654
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

If this is already on here, screw me with a spoon.

I don't know if this is true... but WOW


"MASTERCARD" WEDDING

You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and
even Jay
Leno mentioned it.

It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...At he reception after
the
wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd.
He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to
support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the
bride's
family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing
such
a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift
to
everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila
envelope
was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man. The groom
had
gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private
detective to
tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions
for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,
"I'm
outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most
people
would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were
wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest
wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best
man's
reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has
balls
the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of
this:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.........$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
and
the best man having sex..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!!!!!!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 04:32 PM   #655
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by OldAgePensioner
If this is already on here, screw me with a spoon.
I don't know if this is true... but WOW
Yeah, you and about a million others who don't check the urban legend websites:
http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 05:52 PM   #656
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Best urban legend I ever heard was that Jamie Lee Curtis was tranny. Anyone been able to get in her/his drawers to check?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-13-2006, 10:37 PM   #657
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

"And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart."

Don't believe that for a minute. Women are shrewder and more calculating than any Bobby Fisher could ever be.

Case in point:

A few years ago, my wife and I had the following exchange....

"Honey, which do you like better,the blue blouse or the white one?"

Forcing down the sudden panic created as I was forcibly drawn into yet another no-win scenario, I thought for a moment and came up with what I thought was the ultimate can't lose come-back.

"Dearest, I like the one that you like the most. Because ultimately, what makes you feel good brings me the most satisfaction."

My elation from finding the perfect "out" was short lived, as she fixed me with one of those long, measuring stares.

"So", she stated, "it's all about YOU then?"

And that is why, as men, we just can't win....
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-15-2006, 09:27 AM   #658
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Old one but goodie

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: Audible groan
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: Silence.....................

HUSBAND: "Oh Shi tCrap!."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-16-2006, 05:01 PM   #659
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Back in a time before every thirteen year old was an expert sexologist, a young man who was about to be married was talking to his older, more experienced friend. He wanted to learn more about the ins and outs of sex.

First he asked about the actual mechanics of sex, and his friend gave a detailed answer, explaining at the end that there are many variations.

"Well, should I try all these fancy variations, or just use the, the 'missionary' position?" asks the young man.

His friend says, "you should start with the missionary position, just to get accustomed to it. Once you feel that you've developed a rhythm between you, you can feel free to experiment a bit more. Just do what comes naturally, and you'll develop a style that suits you."

"And," asks the young man, "what about talking? Should I talk to my wife during sex?"

"Well," says his friend, "You don't really have to. But if you have a telephone nearby I don't see why not."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-16-2006, 05:06 PM   #660
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A French couple are taking their three kids, ages 5, 7 and 9, on an excursion to the zoo. The three kids have wandered off separately from their parents, and are looking into a monkey cage.

Seeing a rush of activity between the monkeys, the youngest boy says, "oh no! The monkeys are fighting!"

"No, no," says the middle boy. "It's OK, they're not fighting, they're making love."

"Yes," says the oldest boy. "And badly."
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