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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-16-2006, 07:39 PM   #661
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dory36
"Honey, which do you like better,the blue blouse or the white one?"
Correct response:

"May I put on my protective head gear first?"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 01:35 AM   #662
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
"May I put on my protective head gear first?"
An amateur would have gone for the athletic cup first. It takes a pro to realize that you wouldn't be using that equipment again anyway...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 03:31 AM   #663
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

so a guy goes to the doctor for a checkup..the doctor takes one look at him naked and goes my god man,what happened to your penis.? its all orange...the guy replys i dont know
well think hard something had to make it turn orange.......
the guy thinks for a minute and says you know now that i think about it i was off from work for a few days and i was watching these porno movies and eating cheese doodles....
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 06:50 AM   #664
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I've changed this joke so as not to offend any nationality, feel free to pass it on with your own choice of nationality.


Typical (insert nationality of choice) Baby

An (insert nationality of choice) is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical (insert nationality of choice) baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the (insert nationality of choice) guy just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical (insert nationality of choice) baby"

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical (insert nationality of choice) baby that weighted 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The (insert nationality of choice) father takes a long swig of Jack, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....

"We had him circumcised".........
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 08:14 AM   #665
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Oh i'll be politically incorrect...

Whats the difference between an englishman, irishman and a scotsman in a bar with a fly in their beer?

The englishman orders another beer. The irishman fishes the fly out and finishes his beer. The scotsman grabs the fly by the wings and holds it over the glass screaming "spit it out ya bastard!"

The canadian remarks on the superiority of his canadian beer and canadian fly, both developed through the financial and political benefits of the positive finlandization of his nation.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 03:18 PM   #666
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
Oh i'll be politically incorrect...
It's pretty challenging to insult an entire Commonwealth with one joke! What did the Australian do, eat the fly?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 05:11 PM   #667
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Never let it be said I dont give the extra effort, wherever needed.

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Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 07:41 PM   #668
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
It's pretty challenging to insult an entire Commonwealth with one joke! What did the Australian do, eat the fly?
Wrestled it to the ground.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 08:12 PM   #669
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ROTFL!

And here I was thinking of unsubscribing from this thread!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-17-2006, 11:35 PM   #670
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bpp
Wrestled it to the ground.
Which wasnt tough, as it was drunk.
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Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-18-2006, 07:48 AM   #671
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Top 10 Cowboy Sayings ruined by "Brokeback Mountain":

10. "Ride 'em cowboy!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

8. "Let's mount up!"

7. "Hold it right there! Now...... move your hand.....reeeaaalll slow-like."

6. Two words: "Saddle sore."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

4. "Howdy pardner."

3. "Don't fret ---- I've been in tight spots before."

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

Bonus: "Stick 'em up!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-22-2006, 10:25 AM   #672
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I know it is not Thursday but I will not remember it by then*


A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you

Have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."



The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride

over anytime I want."



The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to

reach the bottom of the Pacific!



The concrete and steel it would take!



It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it

is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little

more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I

Wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside,

What she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries,

What she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman

truly happy.





The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 05:59 AM   #673
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell; I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It only takes 10 seconds and costs ten dollars, a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. "Thank-you for shopping at
Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was Joe began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a
sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT WAL-MART
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 01:45 PM   #674
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The attached was posted on walls, telephone polls, etc. in Germany a few years ago. There are about half a dozen of them, all advertisements for a German sausage-thing similar to a slimjim (a "Bifi", if you can believe it). More of these at www.bifi.de
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 03:46 PM   #675
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An older guy goes into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some viagra.

"How many?"

"Oh, just a half dozen or so. I cut them into quarters."

"Thats not enough of a dose to get you through an intimacy session!"

"I'm 84. All I want is for the thing to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my new golf shoes."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 04:57 PM   #676
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Not sure whether this belongs here or in the immigration thread....

A Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

They told the doc what they wanted, and explained to him that it was important they have this done since neither of them spoke Spanish.

Obvously puzzled by this statement, the doc asked, "What does the fact you don't speak Spanish have to do with not wanting to have more children?"

The husband replied, "We don't think it would be fair to have another child and not be able to talk to it."

Even more puzzled, the doc said, "Why do you think you wouldn't be able to talk to it?"

"Well," said the husband, "they said on the news that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican."


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 05:30 PM   #677
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
An older guy goes into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some viagra.

"How many?"

"Oh, just a half dozen or so. I cut them into quarters."

"Thats not enough of a dose to get you through an intimacy session!"

"I'm 84. All I want is for the thing to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my new golf shoes."
Hey Jarhead!

You gonna let him get away with this one?

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 05:31 PM   #678
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Why not, after he keyed my wifes car a couple of months ago...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-24-2006, 10:02 PM   #679
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A blonde in an open sports car, top down, gets pulled over by a motorcycle cop, also a blonde.
The cop asks the driver for her license.
The blonde driver starts looking through her handbag, asking, " I can't seem to find it. What does it look like again?"
The blonde cop says, " It's square with your picture on it."
The driver finds her compact mirror and hands it over to the cop who examines it carefully.
"You can go," the she says. "You should have told me you were a cop."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-25-2006, 03:25 PM   #680
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This pretty much sums up my life at work.

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