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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-03-2006, 01:51 PM   #701
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here we go, Gumby-- a Jeff Bacon classic.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-03-2006, 03:10 PM   #702
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!



Dear Dr.Phil



When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught









Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!

DR Phil

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-03-2006, 03:21 PM   #703
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DOG51
This one is a safe sex message.*
http://www.ejbdotcom.net/content/11807.html
hardly safe. either of those two options happen to be where blood vessels are easiest ruptured. blood to blood. semen to blood. not safe.

www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 06:49 AM   #704
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Police aren't perfect, but this cop comes close to winning the ingenuity award. A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him.

Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell. After a couple of hour's, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker, the "Follow me to Sunday School" bumper sticker and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 08:22 AM   #705
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a$$ was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 12:52 PM   #706
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Débutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There
must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:11 PM   #707
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Débutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There
must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
A racist, anti-semitic, non-pc joke stereotyping the South, posted by a Yankee pacifist working on Wall Street. Is this a great country, or what!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:17 PM   #708
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SteveR
An old lady recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said she was doing "fairly well" for her age.
This reminds me of one....

A young doctor is out walking in his neighborhood, and as he passes by one house he sees a wrinkled, old man sitting on a rocking chair on the balcony. The young doctor decides to stop in and introduce himself, to get acquainted with his neighbor.

He sits down next to the old man, and notices the leathery skin, the deep creases, the liver spots and other ailments. "Tell me," the young doctor asks, "you seem to have lived a long, full life. I guess you must never have smoked."

"Actually," says the other man as he's rocking in his chair, "I smoked two packs a day, every day of my life."

"Well," says the doctor. "You must have eaten healthy and exercised a lot."

"Nope. I ate mostly junk food and bacon, and sat around on my ass most of the time. Matter of fact, I also got drunk every night, and was a pretty constant heroin and crack addict."

"Wow," says the doctor. "That's amazing! You drank and smoked every day of your life, you ate junk food and never exercised, and you abused hard drugs, but you still lived to the age of -- how old did you say you were?"

"I'm twenty-two," he said.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:20 PM   #709
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!

A racist, anti-semitic, non-pc joke stereotyping the South, posted by a Yankee pacifist working on Wall Street.* Is this a great country, or what!
Get over yourself. Its just a joke. Either you learn to laugh at the world and all its foibles & stupidity, or you go nuts.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:25 PM   #710
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!

A racist, anti-semitic, non-pc joke stereotyping the South, posted by a Yankee pacifist working on Wall Street. Is this a great country, or what!
Get over yourself. Its just a joke. Either you learn to laugh at the world and all its foibles & stupidity, or you go nuts.
Uhhh, brewer. I was also just making a joke. Lighten up, man.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:38 PM   #711
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I wouldnt count on that.

Besides, his joke wasnt really any of the things you said they were, it was all just semantics.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:40 PM   #712
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
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I wouldnt count on that.

Besides, his joke wasnt really any of the things you said they were, it was all just semantics.
Hush, you, or I will start stealing your hats.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:44 PM   #713
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
I wouldnt count on that.

Besides, his joke wasnt really any of the things you said they were, it was all just semantics.
It's a new month, shouldn't you be out car shopping?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-05-2006, 01:55 PM   #714
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
I wouldnt count on that.

Besides, his joke wasnt really any of the things you said they were, it was all just semantics.
It's a new month, shouldn't you be out car shopping?*
Oh, Snap!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-06-2006, 06:43 AM   #715
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Apartment Rental


A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and Agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night w/her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."


On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the Landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-06-2006, 02:02 PM   #716
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

So what we have here is a skinny white guy from san diego using a piece of african american slang to comment on a texas yahoo's somewhat weak joke in response to a sly comment regarding said yahoo's retort about a racist, anti-semitic, non-pc joke stereotyping the South, posted by a Yankee pacifist working on Wall Street?

By the way, I only have one hat.

And I wont be buying any cars for at least 6 years. Maybe 10. I already told my wife that our 16 month old will be learning how to drive in that Lexus...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-06-2006, 02:03 PM   #717
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
And I wont be buying any cars for at least 6 years.* Maybe 10.* I already told my wife that our 16 month old will be learning how to drive in that Lexus...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-08-2006, 06:57 AM   #718
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Money Talks


An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them.
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-08-2006, 07:28 PM   #719
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This oughta' solve a bunch of problems:

Dig a deep moat along the entire US-Mexican border,
use the dirt to raise and reinforce the levies around New Orleans,
and move the overpoplulation of Florida alligators to the moat.

Now, Iraq....

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-08-2006, 08:04 PM   #720
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Even easier. Dig up the the whole country, channel to the ocean to allow to fill with water, haul the dirt back here, make new orleans the highest point in north america.

Oh year, first we should go buy a lot of NO real estate.
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