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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-09-2006, 06:01 AM   #721
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to the single digits or below.

About 3 a.m. one very cold morning in march, 2004, a state police officer responded to a call. There was a car off the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of Casper. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running.

Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the officer tapped on the window. ; seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into " drive" and hit the gas.

The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. the policeman, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car.

The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the man obeyed turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state patrolman who could run 50 miles per hour. Who says policeman don't have a sense of humor?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-09-2006, 01:44 PM   #722
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL!

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-09-2006, 02:03 PM   #723
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about
that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where
I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27yrs
old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's
wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 12:47 PM   #724
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Revised and Improved Living Will Form:

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the
bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at
least one of the following:

______ Glass of wine
______ Margarita
_______Martini
______ Cold Beer
______ Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______ Mexican food
______ French fries
______ Pizza
______ Bowl of ice cream
______ a cup of tea
______ Chocolate
______ Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day.

Signed ____________________

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 12:49 PM   #725
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Define "reasonable time"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 01:06 PM   #726
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
Define "reasonable time"
I think you're being unreasonable, but...

Items 1- 11: 30 days
Iem 12: 48 hours

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 02:26 PM   #727
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
Iem 12:* 48 hours
Ye gods, man, that's practically celibacy.

"Lord, grant me chastity-- but not yet."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 04:36 PM   #728
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

30 days without a margarita or chicken fried steak? How barbaric.

Nords...tell me more about this 'chastity'...what does she look like?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 09:19 PM   #729
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Based on the food vs. sex poll, I think ALL of the items should come down to around 3-5 hours. At least for people who haven't yet turned a certain age -- after that, they mostly don't seem to care.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-11-2006, 10:01 PM   #730
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cute Fuzzy Bunny
Nords...tell me more about this 'chastity'...what does she look like?
Well, I turned off the "Safe Search" feature on Google Images and... yikes!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-12-2006, 07:20 AM   #731
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll.
One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The woman with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a Seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-14-2006, 07:12 AM   #732
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

DUI Video

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-15-2006, 08:13 AM   #733
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


PEANUTS

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again

he asks the little old lady,

" Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them. "
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-15-2006, 09:58 AM   #734
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

He said, "I've got just the ticket!" She repiled, "All I see is a stub."

Naked suitor takes ‘risk’

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-15-2006, 10:00 AM   #735
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead brought this up on a separate thread, thought I'd repost... many ER's are afflicted. The only cure is work.


Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my
car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there Is mail on the porch table
that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the
garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
Desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally Knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye -- they need water.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover My reading glasses that
I've been searching for all Morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and
suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking fo r the
remote.

But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put It
back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up The
spill.

AAADD

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car Keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-16-2006, 07:54 AM   #736
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "

Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-21-2006, 09:43 AM   #737
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket and selected the following items:

> 1 half-gallon of 2% milk
> 1 carton of eggs
> 1 quart of orange juice
> 1 head of romaine lettuce
> 2 lb. can of coffee
> 1lb package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the guy's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-21-2006, 11:25 PM   #738
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A Scotsman is washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.* Only a
sheep and a sheepdog are washed up with him.* He looks around and
realizes that they are stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while he gets into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening the sky is a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sit there the sheep starts looking better and better to the
lonely Scot.* Soon he leans over to the sheep and put his arm around it.


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growls fiercely until
the man takes his arm from around the sheep.

After that the three of them continue to enjoy the sunsets together -
but there's no more cuddling.

A few weeks pass by and, lo and behold, there is another shipwreck.* The
only survivor is a beautiful young woman: the most beautiful woman the
man had ever seen.* She's in a pretty bad way when he rescues her
and he slowly nurses her back to health.

When the young maiden is well enough he introduces her to their evening
beach ritual. It is another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the Scotsman starts to get "those feelings" again.* He
fights the urges as long as he can, but he finally gives in and leans
over to the young woman cautiously and whispers in her ear......

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk"?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-22-2006, 06:59 AM   #739
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father, I'm 81 years old, married, with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 20-year-old girls. Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never, Father", replied the old man, "I'm Jewish".

"So why are you telling ME all that?!" asked the priest.

"Well," answered the man, "I'm telling everybody!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-22-2006, 04:47 PM   #740
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Still Thursday, so....

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.* He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Now unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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