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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2006, 08:28 AM   #741
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jay Leno is doing his “Jaywalking” bit, asking everyday Joes and Janes questions about Americana. He posed the following question to an attractive young blonde woman:

“What president had the nickname ‘Tricky Dick’?”

She paused for a moment and then replied, “Bill Clinton!”

(OK Justin, you’re up… )
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-28-2006, 09:50 PM   #742
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a
remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on
horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She
climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed
from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at
the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and
rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off", the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-05-2006, 07:33 AM   #743
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-05-2006, 08:31 AM   #744
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."


Thanks, I needed that.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-08-2006, 07:53 AM   #745
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to
another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it
wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and
finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that
thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir,
Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and
confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it
hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If
you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."


This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my
conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been
thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if
you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood
to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared
into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big
glass doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me
that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking
ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers
Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss
a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
week it was "Porky's" Then we share experiences about how we avoided
thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the
road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step! I joined the Democratic Party.


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-08-2006, 08:34 AM   #746
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hmmmm

I thought 'thinkin' was the curse of the INTJ. Of any persuasion.

heh heh heh heh heh heh - so is posting a lot - but what the hey - ER is good.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-08-2006, 09:22 PM   #747
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is a groaner:

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store...

When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the
clerics,

"Are you the fish fryer?"

Oh, no, the cleric answers, "I'm the chip monk!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-08-2006, 10:27 PM   #748
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

That reminds me of one that's already been posted on this forum, though it was in a different thread:

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand, and says to the hot dog vendor, "make me one with everything."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-09-2006, 10:26 AM   #749
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

http://early-retirement.org/forums/i...10598#msg10598

I think thats it. We may have officially told every joke ever invented.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-10-2006, 08:48 AM   #750
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Indian Mating Season


Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. Suddenly one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small
cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!"
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! !" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....




NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-10-2006, 03:08 PM   #751
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I'm so happy to say that none of these REMOTELY describes my marriage!

Richard

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."



************************************************** ********************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"



************************************************** ********************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

She says, "Getting a second opinion!"


************************************************** ********************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


************************************************** ********************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-11-2006, 09:56 AM   #752
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

From the Dog's diary :

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

From the Cat's diary :

Day 2,483 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.



But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-11-2006, 10:21 AM   #753
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

So that's what my cat thinks

Good one, Outtahere
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-11-2006, 02:02 PM   #754
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Reminds me of that old Fabulous Freak Brothers cartoon where the pissed-off cat poops in Fat Freddies headphones.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-11-2006, 02:34 PM   #755
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This year's "winner" of the San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, where the object is to come up with the worst possible opening sentence for a novel:

"Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean."

The contest is named for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel “Paul Clifford” began with the oft-mocked, “It was a dark and stormy night.”

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-12-2006, 01:54 PM   #756
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I'm in China on Business so it's Thursday.. (Not really, i stink at lying).

Hi,

Sorry I made this up 30 years ago (I think)

500 hundred Indians were in the desert in the Northern mid west one summers day.

An arctic cold front blasts thru and the temerature goes for 80 degrees to 20 in a matter of seconds.

They all got so cold so quickly their nipples actually popped of.

Tragic.

but the event is still clebrated evary year...


The INDIAN NIPPLE LESS 500.

Again, apologies....

W
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-13-2006, 08:48 AM   #757
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde said, " it's not a Porsch, it,s a Ferrari".

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-13-2006, 01:27 PM   #758
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This sounds like an experience I had with Microsoft support.*

http://www.break.com/index/microsoft...rt_center.html
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-17-2006, 06:03 AM   #759
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Walmart Greeter

A very unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Walmart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!"

"Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.

"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."

The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike."

The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. It's just that I can't believe you got laid twice."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-17-2006, 06:03 AM   #760
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This site is for CFB

http://corp.kayak.com/tv/kayakads.html
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