Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-17-2006, 09:56 AM   #761
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
cute fuzzy bunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,697
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Yeah but do they have an inflatable version...
__________________

__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
cute fuzzy bunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-17-2006, 11:46 PM   #762
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 247
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Apologies if this has already been posted, I haven't read them all...

A woman wants to get her husband a gift for their anniversary. She has no good ideas but wants her gift to be special.

She wanders in and out of stores looking for something. She goes into a pet store and is asked by the salesman "May I help you?".

She describes her futile search for a suitable anniversary present. The pet salesman says "I have exactly the thing!". He takes her into the back and shows her a cage containing a frog. "Why would I want a frog?!".

"But ma'am--this is a special frog. It is an expert at oral sex."

She thinks for a moment. If this works she wouldn't have to do *that* anymore... she would be happy and so would her husband. She buys the frog in the cage, and wraps it for her husband.

At home, she presents her gift. Imagine his surprise when he finds a frog as a gift. "What is this for?". She explains that this is a special frog, it is an oral sex expert.

That night the wife goes to bed satisfied, knowing that if her husband has needs he won't be waking her for oral gratification.

In the middle of the night she is awakened to a loud clanging sound coming from the kitchen. She walks bleary-eyed into the kitchen to find the frog and her husband. There are pots and pans out on the counter, and the husband and frog are intently studying a cookbook.

The wife exclaims, "What in the world is going on here?".

The husband replies, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is out of here."
__________________

__________________
Surfdaddy is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-27-2006, 01:33 PM   #763
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,423
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A few Several Many years back, Jarhead is buying wheat bread in the supermarket when a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. Embarassed, Jarhead asks, "Do I know you?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Stunned by this, Jarhead frantically thinks back to the only time he as ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery"

She pauses for a moment and calmly says, " No, I'm your daughter's math teacher."

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-27-2006, 01:40 PM   #764
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
cute fuzzy bunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,697
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Yeah...someone here PM'ed me that joke a couple of weeks ago under the subject "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

I had to drink two cups of coffee and think things over for about an hour before I opened the message...
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
cute fuzzy bunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-28-2006, 12:28 AM   #765
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Well, it's still Thursday in my time zone, so here we go:

> A doctor informs a couple that their son was born without a torso, arms
> or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
> him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
>
> After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
> him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
> the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
>
> With the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
>
> Whooosh! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a
> whoop of joy.
>
> The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take
> another drink"!
>
> The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
>
> Whooosh! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild.
>
> The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
> chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
>
> By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
>
> Whooosh! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
> knees, tearfully giving thanks!
>
> The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the
> right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck
> runs over him and kills him instantly.
>
> The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
>
> The bartender sighs and says...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (wait for it)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (it's coming)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (take a deep breath)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "He should have quit while he was a head!"
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-28-2006, 09:47 AM   #766
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
cute fuzzy bunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Losing my whump
Posts: 22,697
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

You're fortunate that hawaii is a long ways away.
__________________
Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
cute fuzzy bunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-03-2006, 04:10 PM   #767
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,423
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I thought everyone might be interested in seeing a photo of the party Dory threw for the moderators earlier this summer. Due to liability concerns (thanks Martha), we were limited to only one (1) drink per person.

It was nice of Greg to take charge of providing the cups.







__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-03-2006, 04:17 PM   #768
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,917
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This elderly hispanic physician got up early saturday morning and put on his old work clothes. He cranks up the lawnmower and starts to do the yard in this upper class subdivision. He is mowing the yard when a big cadillac pulls up and the lady driving rolls the window down and leans out. The doc turns off the mower and walks over to the car and smiles and says good morning. The lady says "excuse me sir but what does the lady of the house pay you to cut her yard?"

He replies in his best hispanic accent: "OHHHHHH, she no pay me nothin
she sleep with me"

__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-03-2006, 04:33 PM   #769
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 784
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

What do you call two Mexicans riding on the back of a fire truck?
















Jose and Hose B.
__________________
Cool Dood is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-03-2006, 05:56 PM   #770
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
greg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,071
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
I thought everyone might be interested in seeing a photo of the party Dory threw for the moderators earlier this summer. Due to liability concerns (thanks Martha), we were limited to only one (1) drink per person.

It was nice of Greg to take charge of providing the cups.




Wahoo!: I sent you party hats--not cups. You misundiagnosed their purpose. But it all worked out just fimne, I see. And, the rumor about you moderators doing your best work w/out pants just isn't true either.
__________________
Compounding: Never forget! Never not remember!
greg is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-05-2006, 12:07 PM   #771
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 9,780
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by OldAgePensioner
Best urban legend I ever heard was that Jamie Lee Curtis was tranny. Anyone been able to get in her/his drawers to check?*
Jamie Lee Curtis has a rare condition known as Androgen Insensitivity. She has XY chromosomes, but due to a biochemical defect, developed as a woman, except for the absence of a uterus (for which two X chromosomes are required). The problem was discovered when she did not menstruate as a teen. In every other respect, she is a normal woman.
__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-11-2006, 07:42 AM   #772
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!



A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-11-2006, 10:12 AM   #773
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 21,870
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL!* Out of the mouths of babes.*

Ha
__________________
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-14-2006, 04:36 PM   #774
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here's one of the latest posts on Honolulu Freecycle:
* * *"Set of 4 Aeylind GL3 cabrinators. These are good quality, third series
cabrination units with reinforced lode housings. They are in excellent
condition - There is some heat discoloration on the rear units, but
otherwise they are flawless. A spare crosslink protector is included.
* * *They are currently tuned asynchronously but can easily be recalibrated
if needed.
* * *Am upgrading to 5th series units so have no use for these. Please
note that these are NOT the XC models with onboard hetrodynes. I will
not split the set so please don't ask! See photo. In Ewa."
*
I've included a photo below.

As a retired engineer my first thought was "What the $%^& is a cabrinator used for and how many will I need?!?"* Google hasn't indexed the term yet but I got lucky with "Aeylind".

If you're thinking that this reads like a "Star Trek" script, you're right.* Here's the rest of the story, and no doubt it'll be coming soon to a Freecycle near you...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Cabrinators spoof.jpg (22.5 KB, 269 views)
Attached Files
File Type: jpg_thumb Cabrinators spoof.jpg_thumb (32.7 KB, 7 views)
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-14-2006, 05:21 PM   #775
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 473
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Oh, these look nice! Wonder where I could get a couple?..
__________________
Scrooge is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-16-2006, 02:12 PM   #776
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This one has probably been posted before but it seems to fit this forum so here goes.


Bob's Story...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are ultra sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an ultra sensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for
Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does se em to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Bob


EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Craftsman extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his arse, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it..
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-16-2006, 07:02 PM   #777
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Ed_The_Gypsy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: the City of Subdued Excitement
Posts: 5,247
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bob sounds like Jackie Gleason--truely!
__________________
my bumpersticker:
"I am not in a hurry.
I am retired.
And I don't care how big your truck is."
Ed_The_Gypsy is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-16-2006, 07:14 PM   #778
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,423
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Reflections on my first visit to America....

Not surprisingly, my fondest memories of America concern a woman -- her name was Amber and I spent the most wonderful weekend of my life with her.

Admittedly, it did not start out to be particularly promising. I had been invited by friends to join them in their hometown of Grayne, MO, for the Annual Cornhusking and Crawdad Pickling Festival.

I arrived early on a Friday morning and my friends asked me to drop their son off at nursery school. The kid wasn't too happy to go there -- he didn't like his teacher, "Old Miss Waives".

"Old", it turned out, is a relative term. "Old Miss Waives" turned out to be an incredibly beautiful woman in her early 30's. Naturally, I immediately asked her to dinner that night. As Grayne is a tiny town with few eligible bachelors, she accepted.

When I arrived at her house I was stunned by how fantastic she looked. Amber was naturally blessed with a full figure but that low cut, tight fitting, cashmere purple sweater she was wearing left no doubt at all at just how majestic her bosum actually was.

To this day, when I think of America, the first thing that pops into my mind is that initial glimpse of the purple mountain majesties of Amber Waives of Grayne.
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-16-2006, 07:33 PM   #779
Moderator Emeritus
laurence's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: San Diego
Posts: 5,179
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

AAHHGGG!!! I'm so sleep deprived, that took me 30 seconds to get it, which made it even worse! Ow! The pain!
__________________
laurence is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-17-2006, 12:51 AM   #780
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 784
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurence
AAHHGGG!!! I'm so sleep deprived, that took me 30 seconds to get it, which made it even worse! Ow! The pain!
Hey, don't feel bad. I didn't get it at all and had to Google it. Stupid missed-out-on American education...

BTW, my PM's coming, I promise it won't be long!
__________________

__________________
Cool Dood is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:45 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.