It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Yeah but do they have an inflatable version...

[Surfdaddy]

Apologies if this has already been posted, I haven't read them all...

A woman wants to get her husband a gift for their anniversary. She has no good ideas but wants her gift to be special.

She wanders in and out of stores looking for something. She goes into a pet store and is asked by the salesman "May I help you?".

She describes her futile search for a suitable anniversary present. The pet salesman says "I have exactly the thing!". He takes her into the back and shows her a cage containing a frog. "Why would I want a frog?!".

"But ma'am--this is a special frog. It is an expert at oral sex."

She thinks for a moment. If this works she wouldn't have to do *that* anymore... she would be happy and so would her husband. She buys the frog in the cage, and wraps it for her husband.

At home, she presents her gift. Imagine his surprise when he finds a frog as a gift. "What is this for?". She explains that this is a special frog, it is an oral sex expert.

That night the wife goes to bed satisfied, knowing that if her husband has needs he won't be waking her for oral gratification.

In the middle of the night she is awakened to a loud clanging sound coming from the kitchen. She walks bleary-eyed into the kitchen to find the frog and her husband. There are pots and pans out on the counter, and the husband and frog are intently studying a cookbook.

The wife exclaims, "What in the world is going on here?".

The husband replies, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is out of here."

[REWahoo]

A few Several Many years back, Jarhead is buying wheat bread in the supermarket when a beautiful blonde woman waves at him and says "Hello".

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. Embarassed, Jarhead asks, "Do I know you?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Stunned by this, Jarhead frantically thinks back to the only time he as ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery"

She pauses for a moment and calmly says, " No, I'm your daughter's math teacher."

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Yeah...someone here PM'ed me that joke a couple of weeks ago under the subject "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

I had to drink two cups of coffee and think things over for about an hour before I opened the message...

[Nords]

Well, it's still Thursday in my time zone, so here we go:

> A doctor informs a couple that their son was born without a torso, arms
> or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
> him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
>
> After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
> him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
> the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
>
> With the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his
> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
>
> Whooosh! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a
> whoop of joy.
>
> The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take
> another drink"!
>
> The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
>
> Whooosh! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild.
>
> The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
> chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
>
> By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
>
> Whooosh! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his
> knees, tearfully giving thanks!
>
> The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the
> right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck
> runs over him and kills him instantly.
>
> The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
>
> The bartender sighs and says...
>
>
>
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>
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>
>
> (wait for it)
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> (it's coming)
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> (take a deep breath)
>
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> "He should have quit while he was a head!"

[cute fuzzy bunny]

You're fortunate that hawaii is a long ways away.

[REWahoo]

I thought everyone might be interested in seeing a photo of the party Dory threw for the moderators earlier this summer. Due to liability concerns (thanks Martha), we were limited to only one (1) drink per person.

It was nice of Greg to take charge of providing the cups.

[brewer12345]

This elderly hispanic physician got up early saturday morning and put on his old work clothes. He cranks up the lawnmower and starts to do the yard in this upper class subdivision. He is mowing the yard when a big cadillac pulls up and the lady driving rolls the window down and leans out. The doc turns off the mower and walks over to the car and smiles and says good morning. The lady says "excuse me sir but what does the lady of the house pay you to cut her yard?"

He replies in his best hispanic accent: "OHHHHHH, she no pay me nothin
she sleep with me"

[Cool Dood]

What do you call two Mexicans riding on the back of a fire truck?
















Jose and Hose B.

[greg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo! I thought everyone might be interested in seeing a photo of the party Dory threw for the moderators earlier this summer. Due to liability concerns (thanks Martha), we were limited to only one (1) drink per person. It was nice of Greg to take charge of providing the cups.

Wahoo!: I sent you party hats--not cups. You misundiagnosed their purpose. But it all worked out just fimne, I see. And, the rumor about you moderators doing your best work w/out pants just isn't true either.

[Meadbh]

Quote:

Originally Posted by OldAgePensioner Best urban legend I ever heard was that Jamie Lee Curtis was tranny. Anyone been able to get in her/his drawers to check?*

Jamie Lee Curtis has a rare condition known as Androgen Insensitivity. She has XY chromosomes, but due to a biochemical defect, developed as a woman, except for the absence of a uterus (for which two X chromosomes are required). The problem was discovered when she did not menstruate as a teen. In every other respect, she is a normal woman.

[Outtahere]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

[haha]

LOL!* Out of the mouths of babes.*

Ha

[Nords]

Here's one of the latest posts on Honolulu Freecycle:
* * *"Set of 4 Aeylind GL3 cabrinators. These are good quality, third series
cabrination units with reinforced lode housings. They are in excellent
condition - There is some heat discoloration on the rear units, but
otherwise they are flawless. A spare crosslink protector is included.
* * *They are currently tuned asynchronously but can easily be recalibrated
if needed.
* * *Am upgrading to 5th series units so have no use for these. Please
note that these are NOT the XC models with onboard hetrodynes. I will
not split the set so please don't ask! See photo. In Ewa."
*
I've included a photo below.

As a retired engineer my first thought was "What the $%^& is a cabrinator used for and how many will I need?!?"* Google hasn't indexed the term yet but I got lucky with "Aeylind".

If you're thinking that this reads like a "Star Trek" script, you're right.* Here's the rest of the story, and no doubt it'll be coming soon to a Freecycle near you...

[Scrooge]

Oh, these look nice! Wonder where I could get a couple?..

[Outtahere]

This one has probably been posted before but it seems to fit this forum so here goes.


Bob's Story...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are ultra sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an ultra sensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for
Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does se em to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or
even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Bob


EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Craftsman extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his arse, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it..

[Ed_The_Gypsy]

Bob sounds like Jackie Gleason--truely!

[REWahoo]

Reflections on my first visit to America....

Not surprisingly, my fondest memories of America concern a woman -- her name was Amber and I spent the most wonderful weekend of my life with her.

Admittedly, it did not start out to be particularly promising. I had been invited by friends to join them in their hometown of Grayne, MO, for the Annual Cornhusking and Crawdad Pickling Festival.

I arrived early on a Friday morning and my friends asked me to drop their son off at nursery school. The kid wasn't too happy to go there -- he didn't like his teacher, "Old Miss Waives".

"Old", it turned out, is a relative term. "Old Miss Waives" turned out to be an incredibly beautiful woman in her early 30's. Naturally, I immediately asked her to dinner that night. As Grayne is a tiny town with few eligible bachelors, she accepted.

When I arrived at her house I was stunned by how fantastic she looked. Amber was naturally blessed with a full figure but that low cut, tight fitting, cashmere purple sweater she was wearing left no doubt at all at just how majestic her bosum actually was.

To this day, when I think of America, the first thing that pops into my mind is that initial glimpse of the purple mountain majesties of Amber Waives of Grayne.

[laurence]

AAHHGGG!!! I'm so sleep deprived, that took me 30 seconds to get it, which made it even worse! Ow! The pain!

[Cool Dood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurence AAHHGGG!!! I'm so sleep deprived, that took me 30 seconds to get it, which made it even worse! Ow! The pain!

Hey, don't feel bad. I didn't get it at all and had to Google it. Stupid missed-out-on American education...

BTW, my PM's coming, I promise it won't be long!