Its funny joke Thursday!

[REWahoo]

A New York family wants to put Grandpa in a nursing home, but all the city's facilities are full. So, they decide to put him in a highly touted home in Mississippi. After a few days, they call him.

"How do you like it so far?" the grandson asks.

"It's wonderful, he says. Let me tell you about the friendly residents here.

"There's a musician who hasn't played the violin in 20 years, but everyone still calls him Maestro.

"There's a physician here who hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years, and they still call him Doc.

"And me, I haven't had sex for over 30 years, yet everybody still calls me the F***ing Yankee."

[uncledrz]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.* Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.* He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture.* Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short."*
Love, Grandma

[MRGALT2U]

Originally Posted by uncledrz

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his
grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.* Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.* He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture.* Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short."*
Love, Grandma

Guy walks into a nut shop. He says "How much are your cashews?"
Clerk says "$10.00 a lb." "How about almonds?" Clerk
says "$9.00 a lb". Guy says "What's that above your mustache?"
Clerk says, "You mean my nose?" Guy says, "Oh......I thought it was
your p--k-r; your nuts are so high!"

JG

[Nords]

It's not Thursday yet, but this urban legend may already be in your e-mail.

For you guys that don't think this is a joke, go consult your spouse. She'll set you straight...

[KB]

As a child of the 50s, that looks very familiar. 'Children shall be seen and not heard' was very common in our house.

And hats and white gloves for church too. I still hate hats to this day.

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Originally Posted by Nords

It's not Thursday yet, but this urban legend may already be in your e-mail.

For you guys that don't think this is a joke, go consult your spouse. She'll set you straight...

Looks like how I take care of my wife, except for that 'a little gay' part...

Boudreaux (Cajun guy) and GI Insurance

Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out da supplemental GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month), the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch do you think dey gonna send to Iraq first?"

[unclemick]

Good one Al

Not to nit pick - down here - the Cajun jokes usually involve Alphonse and Pla- cee(sick?).

Don't AXE me why - I'm a dam Yankee.

[Nords]

Shamelessly plagiarized from the Ultraquiet submarine blog. Edit it to suit your career/circumstances:

A very old priest died and found himself at the Gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocked and a very sleepy-eyed watch asked, "Wadda ya want?" The priest replied: "I'm recently deceased after 63 years of Godly work and I thought I should check in here."

The watch checks his clipboard and says, "Got no orders on you-- just bring your stuff and we'll sort this all out in the morning." They go to an old barracks, third floor, open bay. All the bottom racks are full and the empty lockers have no doors. The priest stows his gear under a rack and climbs onto an upper bunk.

The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and applause. He gets up and goes to a window and sees a flashy Jaguar cruising down from the golden command building. The sidewalks are lined with saints as angels cheer and toss confetti. In the back seat sits a Navy submariner, dolphins glistening on his chest, Cuban cigar in his pocket, bottle of torpedo juice in one hand, and his other hand holding leave papers.

This disturbs the priest, who runs downstairs to the Master-At-Arms and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, a priest with 63 years of Godly deeds in a broken-down old barracks while that guy, who must have committed every sin known & unknown to man, is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a saint's welcome. How can that be?"

The Master-At-Arms calmly looks up and says, "We get priests in here all the time, but we've never had a submariner before."

[Nords]

Well, you guys had your chance. Time for another sea story...

When a submarine is maneuvering on the surface the OOD and the lookout have to be stationed on the bridge. Normally it's a lovely time-- plenty of fresh air & sunshine after being cooped up for weeks in cold purified A/C. You're 25 feet above the waterline so you don't get much spray or green water. Even the first rainsquall feels good, and the nightwatch stargazing is awesome.

But eventually the cups of coffee take their toll during a six-hour watch and you need a head break. There's two ways to do this: (1) Call below to have the control room locate a qualified relief, bribe him to agree to give you a break, have him spend 20-30 minutes checking out the situation to make sure he's able to handle all the contacts & other stuff in progress, come up to relieve you in a formal two-minute turnover, announce it to everyone, go down for a 30-second head break (a completely different type of relief), and start back up for the 20-minute process of relieving your relief. Or you could (2) locate the aft & lee side of the sail, warn the other bridge personnel, & let fly. "Windage" keeps splatters off the hull but if you're susceptible to vertigo then you don't want to look down. If you're a pro you can even scope the other contacts to verify that no one else has their binoculars on your, er, tactical situation. Option 2 is always faster and at night (with most of the crew asleep) it's definitely the preferred procedure.

So one night the lookout was a good ol' West Virginia boy with a somewhat (even for a submariner) crude sense of humor. As I was engaged in a tactical situation I tried to add a little levity by commenting "Boy, the water sure is cold tonight!" Without missing a beat he shot back "Deep, too!"

OK, you have less than 168 hours to cough up some new funny jokes or I'll be forced to trot out another sea story...

[REWahoo]

A proctologist walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's just great ... some *sshole has my pen."

REW

[Caroline]

Another Sea story -- worth a chuckle for those who haven't seen it:


The U.S. Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995, supposedly released this transcript of a radio conversation between a U.S. Navy ship and a Canadian source off the coast of Newfoundland in the fall of 1995:

Navy: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collison.

Civilian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Navy: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Civilian: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Navy: This is the Aircraft Carrier Enterprise. We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy. Divert your course now!

Civilian: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Honkie]

This is true, so not a joke per se, still funny.

As part of an the ongoing anti-littering campaign in Sydney, Australia, all public/street litter bins are emblazoned with the campaign slogan...

"Don't be a tosser!!"* * *

http://www.environment.nsw.gov.au/li...t/stickers.htm

[unclemick]

Don't Mess With Texas - was always the SO's favorite.

I always envisioned Texas SWAT teams with sniper rifles on overpasses picking off transgressing tourists who tossed trash out the window.

[REWahoo]

Originally Posted by unclemick2

I always envisioned Texas SWAT teams with sniper rifles on overpasses picking off transgressing tourists who tossed trash out the window.

Not only transgressing tourists but homegrown bubbas as well. We have equal opportunity SWAT teams and we take littering our highways seriously in these parts.

Unclemick2, I've observed that you pontificate speak often about being a cheap bastard your frugality, but you sure spend a lot on this forum. True, it's only 2 cents worth at a time, but I don't have to tell you that it adds up. Heh, heh, heh...

REW

[Dawg52]

Heres a funny link for your Friday. I'm sure we've all had a similar experience.*
http://www.fungod.com/coppermine/dis...lbum=19&pos=44

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Yeah...the cop is cleared of any wrong doing. I always enjoy reading about how the cops look into the situation themselves and decide everything was a-ok.

Ok, so whats the difference between a rooster and a financial planner?

The rooster clucks defiance.

[OldAgePensioner]

Out of town gambler loses all his money in Vegas.

Asks cabbie for a ride to the airport and he'll pay later. Cabbie say's f'off. He eventually hitches a ride and gets back to Arkansas.

Visits Vegas again a few weeks later and wins big. Goes out to find a cab and sees the same cabbie 4 cabs back in the queue. He goes up to the first cab driver and says "I'll have sex with you if you give me a ride to the airport." The cabbie tells him that he is not that type of guy.

Gambler does the same to the next 2 cabbies (sex for a free ride) and both say get away from me. He goes to the cabbie who told hime to f'off a few weeks earlier. Gambler says "Twenty buck extra if you get me to the airport quick"

As they drive by the first three cab drivers, the gambler gives them a big thumbs up.

[Eagle43]

Daughter sent me these... Must not be enough to do in Spain...

Things that Hallmark cards dont say:

1)
My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat!
Sorry!

2)
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

3)
Congratulations on your wedding day!!!
Too bad no one likes your husband!

4)
How could two people as beautiful as you
have such an ugly baby?

5)
Iґve always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love,
After having met you,
I've changed my mind.

6)
I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

7)
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
That you're not there to ruin for me.

One of my favorites!!!!!
Happy birthday Uncle, Dad!!! (only available in tennessee and west
virginia)

9)
Happy birthday!
You look great for your age!
Almost lifelike!

10)
When we were together
you always said youґd die for me.
now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise!

11)
I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.

12)
Congratualtions on your new bundle of joy!
Did you ever find out who the father was?

13)
Your friends and I wanted to do something very special for your birthday,
So were having you put to sleep!

[LovesLife]

Eagle,

Those were dam funny

LL