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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-21-2006, 10:51 PM   #781
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

DUSTY UNDERWEAR


One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's
"Miracle Grow!."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-22-2006, 08:01 AM   #782
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-23-2006, 10:30 AM   #783
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you .."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he* stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
said that because they had been so go od that each one of them could have
one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger..
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods.. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man ?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-24-2006, 01:50 PM   #784
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A retired buddy sent me this today:

Retirement Questions

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer:* * 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:* *Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:* *Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:* *There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:* *The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:* *Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:* *They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:* *NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: As soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:* *Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:* *The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:* *If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree say she doesn't miss work, but misses the people she used to work with?
Answer:* *She's too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer:* Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-25-2006, 06:19 AM   #785
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

West Virginia fer shure

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him In the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "! When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.


"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.


"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that a$$hole would've tried that sh1t crap with me.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-25-2006, 09:07 AM   #786
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-25-2006, 07:16 PM   #787
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her
home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones
you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans
that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they
are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy
blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy
her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for
my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to
me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-28-2006, 02:54 PM   #788
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer:* * 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer:* *Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:* *Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:* *There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer:* *The term comes with a 10% percent discount

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:* *Tied shoes.* :-)

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:* *They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:* *NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:* * Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:* *The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:* *If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer:* *He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

My favorite one:
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-28-2006, 06:41 PM   #789
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A fat man sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (212) 555-DIET" and decides to make the call.
The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
"Twenty pounds," he replies. "We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds." "We’ll send someone over." The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 50 pounds!
That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 100 pounds!" "100 pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-03-2006, 09:59 AM   #790
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Guy walks into his psychiatrists office, says, "Doc, I think I'm a kleptomaniac. What should I do?" Doc says, "Take something for it."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-03-2006, 10:19 AM   #791
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Stole this one from Willie Nelson.

A skeleton walks into a bar. "Bartender, give me a beer and a mop."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-04-2006, 02:40 PM   #792
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

a piano player goes for an audition at a club.he sits down and proceeds to play magnificantly .the owner of the clubs says my god man you should be at carnegie hall not playing here.by the way did you write those songs?
* he replied sure did,the first song i call "she chased me round the church and caught me by the organ" the other song is "her oral sex was so good my head caved in...
the club owner said listen you can work here but dont tell anyone the names of your songs

that night he gave a splended show and got a standing ovation..as he walked back on stage an old women happened to look down ,she goes oh my god do you know your zippers open and your di*cks hanging out......not being able to contain himself any longer he goes* DO I KNOW IT? HELL I WROTE IT"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-05-2006, 05:55 PM   #793
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

New meaning to the term concert penis
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-07-2006, 11:40 AM   #794
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead, for a while there I thought maybe you wrote this...


A FARM KID,(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORP RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city types can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school principal. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting! I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but then he’s dang near a foot taller than me and must weigh near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Sue Ellen
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-12-2006, 04:16 PM   #795
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Companies are well aware that the boomer generation represents a huge marketing opportunity. All sorts of financial products targeted to boomers are advertised in print and on TV, where many commercials are accompanied by nostalgic music from the 60’s and 70’s.

In an attempt to capitalize on this demographic, Campbell’s Soup is introducing a new line of products designed to appeal to boomers. Campbell has decided to work backwards in time, introducing products reminiscent of the 90’s followed by flavors from the 80’s, 70’s, 60’s, etc. In an effort to garner the maximum publicity from the introduction of their first ‘nostalgia soup’, Campbell’s decided to start with a flavor called “Bill Clinton”. As you might have already figured out, the ingredients consist of a little weenie and a lot of hot water.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2006, 05:35 PM   #796
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two middle eastern men migrate to the United States. They agree to meet after one year and made a bet as to who would become the most Americanized. A year later, they meet at a Starbucks, and one says, "Well, tomorrow I'm going to go to a professional baseball game with my blonde bride-to-be. I intend to eat pulled pork sandwiches and drink a ton of beer."
The other responds, "F**k you, towel head."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-13-2006, 09:09 PM   #797
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Especially for Steeler Fans!!

Three football fans were on their way to watch the games when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a beautiful nude female dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Steelers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 49ers fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Browns fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Steelers cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 49ers cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Browns cap, replaced it, then lifted
it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one
last time. The Browns fan ! was get ting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer, "I am simply surprised. Normally when I
look under a Browns hat, I find an asshole."


HERE WE GO STEELERS..... HERE WE GO!!!!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-15-2006, 10:23 AM   #798
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I just saw this in a blog and liked it. It was Thursday only 10 1/2 hours ago, so I'm not that late:

Quote:
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

2005 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-15-2006, 12:22 PM   #799
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Wurking--hanging at the office, but not doing much
Retiremelt--hanging it up in South Florida
Limblaugh--an hysterical talk radio host


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-19-2006, 11:09 AM   #800
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Yeah, its tasteless, but I just couldn't resist:

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker
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