Its funny joke Thursday!

[brewer12345]

Yeah, its tasteless, but I just couldn't resist:

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

[brewer12345]

This on is for you, Al:

A Beaver Story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I
have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses
a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting
at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed
it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
bang.'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[wallygator69]

Originally Posted by brewer12345

Yeah, its tasteless, but I just couldn't resist:

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

Why does Rosie Odonnell want to be reincarnated as a whale?

So she can have a 7 foot tongue and breath out of the top of her head....

[REWahoo]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altarboy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

[REWahoo]

Before his 2001 inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife Laura about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery that the President's private bathroom had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said, "Bill, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

[Outtahere]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Outtahere]

A man walked into a very high-tec bar. As he sat down
on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what
will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied. "A martini
please". The robot clicked a couple of times and
mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of
relativity' 'inter-stellar space travel', and 'the latest
medical break throughs.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but
thought he would try a different tact. He returned and
took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he
would have. He responded, "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what
is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing,
the latest basketball scores, and what to expect
the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left,
returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the
question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh ..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly
asked, "A-r-e? Y-o-u-r? P-e-o-p-l-e? G-o-i-n-g? T-o?
N-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

[haha]

Originally Posted by Outtahere

So he left,
returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the
question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh ..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly
asked, "A-r-e? Y-o-u-r? P-e-o-p-l-e? G-o-i-n-g? T-o?
N-o-m-i-n-a-t-e? H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

LOL!!!

[larry]

I apologize if this is a repeat.

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

[Outtahere]

Ted Kennedy hears from Osama

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive,"Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H.

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

With in a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

[Sam]

Ha ha. I had to print it out to see the message. Good one.

[REWahoo]

My DW needs your help. She wants to know which Walmart sells this mirror...

[Caroline]

This made me laugh...


We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare.

Now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

[Outtahere]

I was deleting stuff from my computer and found this little funny


SIX PRESIDENTS ...

*are on a sinking ship.

Ford says, "What do we do"

Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first!"

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

[greg]

Originally Posted by Outtahere

I was deleting stuff from my computer and found this little funny


SIX PRESIDENTS ...

*are on a sinking ship.

Ford says, "What do we do"

Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What lifeboats?"

Carter says, "Women first!"

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

It needs an update:

Bush II says, "Full steam ahead!"

[Eagle43]

Originally Posted by Apocalypse

It needs an update:

Bush II says, "Full steam ahead!"

Bush II says, "Stay the Course."

[REWahoo]

To those who don't believe in Darwin's theory...

• Darrell Rodgers, 40, was treated at Bloomington (Ind.) Hospital in August after shooting himself in the left knee because he felt he had to try something to end the pain there, pain possibly from having shot himself in that knee 10 years earlier.

• Electrician Paul Trotman, 51, was arrested in Clay County, Fla., in August for rigging an electrical device to shock a 3½-year-old boy who lived with Trotman and his wife, after Trotman got fed up that the boy was constantly urinating on electrical outlets just to see sparks fly.

News of the Weird

[Cool Dood]

Via e-mail.

--

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Henry ."

Passenger: "Who?"

"He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened perfectly like that to Henry - every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Henry. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good, and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Henry."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."