Its funny joke Thursday!

[Outtahere]

George Bush Goes To School

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and the President asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have four questions":
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies they will continue after recess.


When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?" asks Bush.
"Actually, I have six questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley? "

[Cool Dood]

Unintentionally funny domain names

4. There is one betting site that is way out in front as our favorite. With their name they are bound to attract a lot of people looking for each-way wagers: www.oddsexchange.com

10. The plant-growers of Mole Station Nursery in New South Wales claim to specialise in the production of frost- hardy native shrubs and farm trees. Sounds like they are more into deflowering: www.molestationnursery.com

15. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

More at the link...

[Outtahere]

This one is for DOG

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey ..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[laurence]

Why don't Congressman use bookmarks?





They just bend the pages over.

[REWahoo]

How do you separate the men from the boys?





Mid-term elections...

[FinanceDude]

How do you know if you're a spinster in Mississippi?

If you make it to your 21st birthday without marrying a sibling or relative........

[brewer12345]

In Pharmacology, all have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

[Nords]

Originally Posted by brewer12345

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

As long as it's not stolen by hardened criminals...

[retire@40]

Originally Posted by brewer12345

...Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form...

Good, because the pills had a tendency to get stuck in the throat and give people a stiff neck.

[REWahoo]

Some of the 2006 IgNobel Prize winners:

-- BIOLOGY - Bart Knols of Wageningen Agricultural University in the Netherlands, the National Institute for Medical Research in Tanzania and the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna, Austria and colleague Ruurd de Jong for showing that the female Anopheles gambiae mosquito, which carries malaria, is attracted equally to the smell of limburger cheese and to the smell of human feet.

-- ORNITHOLOGY - Ivan Schwab of the University of California Davis, and the late Philip R.A. May of the University of California Los Angeles, for explaining why woodpeckers do not get headaches.

-- NUTRITION - Wasmia Al-Houty of Kuwait University and Faten Al-Mussalam of the Kuwait Environment Public Authority, for showing that dung beetles are finicky eaters.

-- PEACE - Howard Stapleton of Merthyr Tydfil, Wales, for inventing a teen-ager repellent -- a device that makes a high-pitched noise that is annoying to teen-agers but inaudible to most adults; and for later using the technology to make cellphone ringtones that teenagers can hear but not their teachers.

-- ACOUSTICS - D. Lynn Halpern, Randolph Blake and James Hillenbrand of Chicago's Northwestern University for a 1986 experiment aimed at discovering why the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard is so irritating.

-- MEDICINE - Francis Fesmire of the University of Tennessee College of Medicine and the team of Majed Odeh, Harry Bassan and Arie Oliven of Bnai Zion Medical Center in Haifa, Israel who both published studies entitled "Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage."

[Sarah in SC]

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days.

Interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went
down town and entered a shop. I was only in there for
about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said,
"Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called
him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing
another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a
"doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and
the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper
sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important to my health.

[Outtahere]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your imortant documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[astromeria]

You Shall Not Pass!

According to the Bucks County Courier, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) said that the United States has avoided terrorist attacks at home over the past five years because the "Eye of Mordor" has been focused on Iraq.
.
.
.
Uh, excuse me, I think I misplaced my duncecap ring....

[Cool Dood]

Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone… “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” A voice from near the front pierces the silence… “Well, f*cking stop clapping then!!”

[Elderdude]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down"

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia ,
she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for
me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again,
waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my
biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina
disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' We go to a smokina car, and I smokea my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus

[mathjak107]

what do rednecks do on halloween?


PUMP-KIN

[mathjak107]

Originally Posted by REWahoo!

How do you separate the men from the boys?





Mid-term elections...

a crow bar??

[Outtahere]

Subject: CDC Warning

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonhorrhea Lectim, pronounced "gonna re-elect 'em". Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for one's own actions,
cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and h istory , tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a Bush found in Texas.