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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-14-2006, 03:00 PM   #881
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

Bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that steering wheel and what's it doing in your pants?"

Pirate says, "Arrgh, I don't know but it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-15-2006, 10:51 AM   #882
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner? Here is a little test that will
help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

.................................................. ..............
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few
days and try to come to a consensus.





.................................................. .............
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

.................................................. .............





Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-15-2006, 03:56 PM   #883
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.



John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.



Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.



For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.



The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."



John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-15-2006, 04:42 PM   #884
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem, and his father was getting tired of it.

He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the damn SOB!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-19-2006, 08:07 AM   #885
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One day, a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah, I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

After supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "Hey, there's only an inch of water in the tub!"

"Yes," the husband replies. "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-20-2006, 06:12 AM   #886
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first." Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising the Lord."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-20-2006, 06:23 AM   #887
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

THE GOOD NAPKINS...The joys of having girls

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake). Now fast forward a few months....

It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.

I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-21-2006, 01:47 PM   #888
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ITALIAN CHRISTMAS

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parent's house
on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian
girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my
mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.....
I was wrong!

I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation.
"I know these family things can be a little weird," I told her, "but my
folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve."

"Sounds fine to me," Karen said.

I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me. "She's a very nice girl
and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you."

"Sounds fine to me," my mother said. And that was that. Two telephone
calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me. What more could I want?

I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas
Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason for
living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute
of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I
should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of
women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean.
She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I
have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive.

Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the
other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen
like A cheeseburger on the barbecue and determines that Karen does not
clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into
the living room and notes, "She has the largest breasts I have ever
seen on a human being."

7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.

Zio Giovanni walks in with my sister Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted
gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a
symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black
olives, anchovies and cheese.... no meat of course. When I offer to
make Karen's plate she says, "No Thank you." She points to the
anchovies with a look of disgust....

"You don't like anchovies?" I ask.

"I don't like fish," Karen announces to one and all as 67 other
varieties of seafood are baking, broiling and simmering in the next
room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting
uncomfortable. Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas
Eve. Karen says, "Knockwurst."

My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karen's chest, temporarily
snaps out of it to murmur, "Knockers?" My mother kicks him so hard he
gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course.

The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines
the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My
mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my "Merry Christmas"
napkin from my lap, place it on the "Merry Christmas" tablecloth and
walk into the kitchen.

"I don't want to start any trouble," my mother says calmly, clutching a
bottle of ketchup in her hands. "But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm
going to throw acid in her face."

"Come on," I tell her. "It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants."

My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back
into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. "Tell me the truth," she
says, "are you serious with this tramp?"

"She's not a tramp," I reply. "And I've only known her for three weeks."

"Well, it's your life," she tells me, "but if you marry her, she'll
poison you."

8:30 p.m. - More fish

My stomach is knotted like one of those macramé plant hangers that are
always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get
up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead,
lights a cigarette.

"Why don't you give them a little hand?" I politely suggest. <>Karen
makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," my mother tells her, smiling
painfully.

"Oh, okay," Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she re-enters
the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head and smashes against
the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, "Whoops."

More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of
scungilli, which she describes as "slimy, like worms." My mother
winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women
you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia Maria does the
same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do
on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. Zio Giovanni
doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chew
a six-inch gash in the tablecloth.

10:00 p.m. - Coffee, dessert.

Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When
Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a
cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing
that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve,
picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it.

"This is fun," Karen says.

Time passes, and believe it or not everyone is laughing and smiling and
filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder,
laughs and says, "Get this bitch out of my house."

Sounds fine to me.

THE END

If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know Italians.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-23-2006, 12:36 PM   #889
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The following story is one that has been reprinted in the Rocky Mount Telegram every Christmas Eve for many years. The story has become a Christmas tradition in those parts, so I send it to spread some eastern North Carolina culture around the world.

Here is the story of Horace, the Christmas Mule. Merry Christmas to you and your families.

Horace the Mule Rides Again

Mrs. George Wood, now deceased, of Chowan County had a mule who was named Horace. On Christmas Eve she called up Dr. Satterfield in Edenton and said to him, “Doctor, Horace is sick, and I wish you would come take a look at him.”

Dr. Satterfield said, “Oh Fanilamb, its after 6 o’clock and I’m eating my Christmas Eve dinner. Give Horace a dose of mineral oil and if he isn’t all right in the morning phone me and I’ll come out and take a look at him.”

“How’ll I give it to him?,” she inquired.

“Through a funnel," replied the good doctor.

“But, he might bite me!!!,” she protested.

“Oh, Fanilamb - you’re a farm woman, and you know about these things. Give it to him through the other end.”

So Fanilamb went out to the barn, and there stood Horace, with his head held down, just moaning and groaning.

She looked around for a funnel, but the nearest thing she could see to one was her Uncle Bill’s fox hunting horn, hanging on the wall, a beautiful gold plated instrument with gold tassels hanging from it.

She took the horn and affixed it properly. Horace turned his head, but paid no attention.

Then she reached up on the shelf where medicines for the farm animals were kept. But instead of picking up the mineral oil, she picked up a bottle of turpentine and she poured a liberal dose into the horn.

Horace raised his head with a sudden jerk. He let out a yell that could have been heard a mile away. He reared up on his hind legs, brought his front legs down, knocked out the side of the barn, jumped a five-foot fence and started down the road at a mad gallop.

Now Horace was in pain, so every few jumps he made, that horn would blow.

All the dogs in the neighborhood knew that when that horn was blowing it meant that Uncle Bill was going fox hunting. So down the highway they went, close on Horace's heels.

It was a marvelous sight! First, Horace - running at top speed; the horn, in a most unusual position, the mellow notes issuing therefrom; the tassels waving; and the dogs, barking joyously.

They passed by the home of Old Man Harvey Hogan, who was sitting on his front porch, well into the cups as they say down east. He hadn’t drawn a sober breath in 15 years, and he gazed in fascinated amazement at the sight that unfolded itself before his eyes.

Incidentally, Harvey is now head man of Alcoholics Anonymous in the Albemarle section of the state.

By this time it was good and dark. Horace and the dogs were approaching the Chowan River Bridge. The bridgetender heard the horn blowing and figured a boat was approaching. So he hurriedly went out and elevated the bridge.

Horace went over the edge, straight into the river and was drowned. The dogs jumped into the water after him, but they could swim and climbed out without much difficulty.

Now it so happened that the bridgetender was running for the office of Sheriff of Chowan County, but he managed to get only seven votes.

The people figured that any man who didn’t know the difference between a mule with a horn up his rear and a boat coming down the Intracoastal Waterway wasn’t fit to hold any public office in Chowan County.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-30-2006, 08:06 AM   #890
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Robot Bartender
A man walked into a very high-tech bar As he sat down on a stool
he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to
attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. T he robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc..

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and
asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martin and the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...
y-o-u-r...
p-e-o-p-l-e...
g-o-i-n-g...
t-o...
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-??
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-30-2006, 08:11 AM   #891
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


Eagle43...QUICK...SHIELDS UP!!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-30-2006, 01:07 PM   #892
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I know these are old but I still get a chuckle out of some of them

Some famous sayings to start the new year!!



CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble ; one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-03-2007, 10:35 AM   #893
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi



By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates



Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas



The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud



I had some words with my wife, and she had some
paragraphs with me.
Anonymous



"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman




"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison




"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran




"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't."
Patrick Murray





Two secrets to keep your marriage
brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

2. Whenever you're right, shut up
Nash





The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
Anonymous





You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman





My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle





Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy
Anonymous





A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-09-2007, 08:28 AM   #894
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-09-2007, 01:53 PM   #895
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Computer Help

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife, what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed :



P... E... N... I... S....


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:



*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-09-2007, 07:53 PM   #896
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2007, 10:51 AM   #897
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jonanthan Clements , WSJ January 7, 2007; "Some Financial Lingo Redefined" can view at http://nomoneyinpoetry.typepad.com/n...ial_lingo.html

several excerpts:

Bear trap: A market rally that the pundits failed to predict.

Correction: A major market crash made to sound like a minor mistake.

Broker: What you'll be, if you follow their advice.

Financial consultant: Broker trying to appear respectable.

The smart money: Owners of whatever has lately performed well. No permanent members.




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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2007, 02:26 PM   #898
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Driving down the highway I read a sign saying,
"LOBSTER TAIL and BEER."
Lord Almighty! my three favorite things!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-15-2007, 08:15 AM   #899
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One Sunday morning, a woman named Jill stood up at her church service, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enraptured congregation.

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation, "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife. Jill, honey ... that word is: STERNUM!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-17-2007, 05:44 PM   #900
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

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