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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-25-2007, 05:05 PM   #941
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the
60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Hot Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite: Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-26-2007, 07:39 AM   #942
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

First Time With Tiger

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-27-2007, 01:17 AM   #943
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you that I can stand on one side and pee into the wastebasket on the other side of your desk, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-28-2007, 06:30 AM   #944
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Duct Tape~~~


An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man say "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 02-28-2007, 08:37 AM   #945
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks,and then turns to the
Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in
his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect the crumbs,
we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to
the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once
a year, they send us a little prick like you.


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-02-2007, 05:10 PM   #946
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

THE LADIES ROOM

When you have to visit a public bathroom,
you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely
and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the
stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down
the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter,
the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"
(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)
is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook,
if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully,
but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR!), you yank down
your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to
shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to
wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold " The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for
what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your
mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to
clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"
Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on
yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.
(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to
hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work,
it hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front
of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the
tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door,
dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the
floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the
TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.



You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ
and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down
toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because, you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet
is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a
fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of
water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your
shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing
water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you
found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper
towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no
longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line
points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it?

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in
the woman's hand and tell her warmly,
"Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered,
used and left the men's restroom, and he asks "Why your purse
hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restrooms (rest you've got! to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.
It also answers their other commonly
asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse
and hand you Kleenex under the door!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-04-2007, 09:07 AM   #947
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Great jokes Outtahere!

ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-07-2007, 12:47 PM   #948
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is an actual wine review posted online:

"Nathan pulls out an odd-looking bottle, a present from Joe Dressner, the infamous ''93 Overnoy Arbois Pupillon. Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but at the same time, no need to stick your face in its butt. Lightish color, showing plently of signs of oxidation, despite the huge sulfur content, both free and bound, not to mention an interesting mix of mercaptans. Imagine, if you will, shoving an M-80 up the hind parts of a skunk, shoving the skunk up the hind parts of a sweaty shepherdess with a yeast infection and on her period. Now the explosion ensues- catch her week-old thong (a gift from Brad Kane) as it flies by. Give it a good hard sniff and contemplate the layers of aroma. Voila! You have the Overnoy. It was all I could do to actually taste it. And I''m (gag!) pleased to report that (gag!) the flavor was consistent with the aroma. Well, at least if you mix in some battery acid. A wine too dirty for me to enjoy- contemplate that and be very, very afraid.

This Overnoy says a lot about Joe Dressner. Some clever guy would taste this and buy a bottle as a gag gift. Joe, ever the man truly committed to humor, actually bought this in quantity, imported it, and sells it for money. THAT is the kind of dedication and willingness to go the extra yard for a laugh that sets him apart from his fellow Man. Many thanks, Joe! "
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-08-2007, 07:39 AM   #949
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

These are definately classics


Six Classic Affairs



The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went
to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife
demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father
rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"





The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
Schwartz," the mortician commented,

"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It
must be saved for posterity."

So, he ;removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have
something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his
briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"





The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smith's bought one and I liked it so I
got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around; 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."





The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your
wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here."





The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
weakl y: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need" his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in
peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-13-2007, 01:31 PM   #950
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife!"

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-14-2007, 05:54 AM   #951
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!



The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2007, 10:38 AM   #952
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Tax system



Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all

ten comes to $100.



If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go

something like this:



The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would

pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth

would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest)

would pay $59.



So, that's what they decided to do.



The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the


arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.



"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce


the cost of your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now cost just

$80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so

the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could

they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair

share?'



They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted


that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man

would each end up being paid to drink his beer.



So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's


bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the

amounts each should pay.



And so:



The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay

$5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12

(25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).



Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four

continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men

began to compare their savings.



"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He

pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar,


too. It's unfair that he got TEN times more than I!".

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back

when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!".

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get

anything at all. The system exploits the poor!".

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.



The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine

sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the

bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough

money between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how

our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the

most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for

being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they

might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat

friendlier.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics

University of Georgia
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2007, 11:48 AM   #953
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man and his dog are lost in the wilderness and run out of food. The man loves his dog, and could never eat it, but he's desparate, so he chops off the dog's tail, and makes a soup out of it. The dog is OK, and the man let's it lap up a little bit of the soup.

That's the basic concept of the tax refund.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-16-2007, 08:25 PM   #954
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Reliving the Navy experience

This is the way it was? Every time I start missing old "haze gray and
underway," I go through this list. Funny stuff and right on target. -
Author unknown.

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 10 inches of the ceiling, so you can't
turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after
you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, et cetera.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 AM, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6
AM while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission
to leave your house before 3 PM.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not "Now sweepers, sweepers,
man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty
all trash cans over the fantail."

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to
you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to
their battle stations "Now general quarters, general quarters, all
hands man your battle stations."

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an
hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until
they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread.

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At
the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button
your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out
into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout
"Man overboard port side." Rate your family members on how fast they
respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in
front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a
shoe box.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family
stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is
best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When a thunderstorm is in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,
sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make
sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: Bring your lawn mower into the living
room, and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot. Allow the pot to simmer 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to
the scummiest part of town. Find the most rundown trashiest bar.
Drink beer until you are hammered. Walk all the way home.

35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to
Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them
the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can
leave the house.

Sure do miss my time in the Navy
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-17-2007, 07:05 AM   #955
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is one for St Pat's Day. Hope it isn't a repeat:

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-17-2007, 10:16 AM   #956
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

What's Irish and only comes out in the summer?

Patio Furniture.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-17-2007, 01:31 PM   #957
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Who's Irish and gets potted:

Phil O'Dendron.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-17-2007, 02:42 PM   #958
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-18-2007, 09:39 AM   #959
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Who's Hillary Clinton's least favorite Irishman?

Baraq O'bama.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-18-2007, 11:46 AM   #960
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is a modern version of the political satire, The Wizard of Oz:

Four ex-presidents are walking down the road in Kansas

Suddenly a twister picks them up and carries them to Oz.

After many days they finally get an audience with the Wizard.

Wizard: "Who seeks help from the powerful Wizard of Oz?"

First president speaks:

"Oh great wizard, my name is Jimmy Carter and people say I need courage because they think I'm a wimp."

The wizard thinks a moment and shoots out a spell and poof. Jimmy suddenly feels he has courage.

Wizard: "Who seeks help from the powerful Wizard of Oz?"

Second president speaks: "Oh great wizard, my name is Ronald Reagan and Nancy says I need a heart, because I was ruthless dealing with the Evil Empire."

The wizard thinks a moment and shoots out a spell and poof Ronald suddenly has a heart.

Third President speaks: "Hey big man, my name is Bush. People think I don't speak good, so I must need a brain."

The wizard thinks a moment and shoots out a spell and poof. George suddenly believes he has a brain.

Wizard: "Who seeks help from the powerful Wizard of Oz?"

Time goes by and silence ensues as the fourth president wanders around peaking behind curtains.

Wizard again: "I said, who seeks help from the powerful Oz?"

More time goes by and more silence ensues, as the fourth president still wanders around sneaking behind curtains.

Finally fed up, the wizard shouts: "Hey you over there, what the hell do you want?"

Then Bill Clinton says slyly, "Can Dorothy play with me?"



The Wizard of Oz, interpreted as modern politics
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