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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-19-2007, 09:10 AM   #961
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

hilarious courtroom bloopers


Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
--------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
--------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
--------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
--------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
--------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
--------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
--------
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
--------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
--------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
--------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
--------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
--------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
--------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
--------
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
--------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
--------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
--------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
--------
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
--------
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
--------
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
--------
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
--------
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
--------
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
--------
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and
she did!
--------
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
--------
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
--------
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
--------
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
--------
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
--------
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
--------
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
--------
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-19-2007, 11:51 AM   #962
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Think I'll be going to my veterinarian from now on.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2007, 05:57 AM   #963
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost between $499 to $599 depending on size.

This is considered a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them !!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-22-2007, 09:01 AM   #964
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The clerk asks, “What size?”

“Gee, I don't know,” the guy says.

“Go see Sophie in aisle 4,” the clerk says pointing to aisle 4.

The guy goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, “Medium!” The guy is mortified! He hurries over to the register to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, “Large!” The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

“What size?”

The kid embarrassedly says. “I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells. “Clean up in aisle 4.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-23-2007, 10:23 AM   #965
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-25-2007, 06:58 PM   #966
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A woman in a grocery store is putting her items on the counter. Her purchases include bread, milk, eggs, bacon and coffee.

She notices a guy behind her who is drunk.

The drunk looks at her and says "you must be single."

The woman says "yes", looks at her grocery items and thought it strange. She then asks "how on earth do you know I am single?"

The drunk replied, "because you're ugly!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-28-2007, 06:17 AM   #967
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

BOTTLE OF MERLOT.

A Texas gentleman(Roger) askeda waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to return this to the woman. It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miamiand a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back!!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-28-2007, 06:19 AM   #968
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-29-2007, 03:54 PM   #969
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-31-2007, 07:53 AM   #970
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


Life Lesson #37: Never tick off a guy who owns a backhoe

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-31-2007, 11:29 AM   #971
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Bob and Steve are out in the woods trying out Steve's new super-telescopic-site rifle. Steve happens to point it at a window in Bob's house...

Steve: "Hey, I can see your wife, and she's having sex with your neighbor!"
Bob: "What!?! Shoot them both. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the privates!"
Steve: "Hey, wow, I can do that in one shot!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-31-2007, 02:30 PM   #972
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo!
Life Lesson #37: Never tick off a guy who owns a backhoe
I thought this was the fantasy challenge of every guy who's ever owned (or wanted to own) a four-wheel drive pickup. I bet this is a GM commercial next Super Bowl.

A couple weeks ago we watched a guy take his 4WD pickup a little too far down the beach. Took him (and another 4WD helper) over two hours to get 100 feet in the correct direction.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 03-31-2007, 05:28 PM   #973
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

another one for my posting average.

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."


The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2007, 06:08 AM   #974
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

WHY I NEVER MADE IT TO THE TOP!

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2007, 08:06 AM   #975
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ok, I try not to post too many jokes, but this one might make you smile.

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband
said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said, "Your pecker is bigger
than your brother's".
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-02-2007, 04:35 PM   #976
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archiv..._unintent.html

Presented without comment.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-04-2007, 09:53 AM   #977
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


Sometimes people don't take the time to say...Thank You!


Subject: Dear Tide

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-04-2007, 10:02 AM   #978
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Wonderful jokes!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-05-2007, 07:49 AM   #979
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 04-06-2007, 01:10 AM   #980
Dryer sheet wannabe
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 18
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is as "right on" as anything I've read in ages!! I am a teacher soon to retire, and I shake my head daily at what the kids are like now compared to when I was a kid growing up in the 60's. Nobody is at fault anymore (except the teachers!!), and too many parents want everything to be easy for their little darlings. It's either this or total lack of parenting - one extreme or the other. No wonder that so many kids really can't cope. How I wish my grandchildren could grow up in my world -- I tell my own children and students that by the time their kids are in school, hopdfully they'll be so disgusted with the state of things they'll tear it down and start over!!
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