Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-14-2005, 01:41 PM   #81
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,072
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
8) One of my favorites!!!!!
Happy birthday Uncle, Dad!!! (only available in tennessee and west
virginia)
How 'bout a little banjo duelt. suey suey oyk oyk.....
__________________

__________________
I look to the present moment because that's where I live my life.
MJ is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-14-2005, 01:45 PM   #82
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
wabmester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,459
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
Daughter sent me these...
My daughter is two, and she just discovered the world of knock-knock jokes.

Her: knock-knock
Me: who's there?
Her: Olive
Me: Olive who?
Her: Olive you very much, Daddy.
Me: Awe, that's very sweet and funny.
Her: It is.
Me: Ha; you're a funny girl.
Her: I am.
__________________

__________________
wabmester is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-14-2005, 05:24 PM   #83
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 21,870
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eagle, ask her to send more!

ha
__________________
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-14-2005, 05:28 PM   #84
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 21,870
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A friend who has had her share of "experiences" sent me this one--


All About Adam




Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely, and I'm tired of eating apples by myself."

"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

"Sounds great!" said Eve.

"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made him first."

Ha



__________________
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-14-2005, 07:29 PM   #85
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,423
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

From a March 4 news story in the Longview (TX) News-Journal relating to a prostitution sting operation by a local police task force:


"Before the sting, [officer] Ray said he and other CODE officers arrested the regular prostitutes on Wednesday to avoid any confrontations with the undercover ones. He said the undercover prostitutes fared well when compared to Longview's real streetwalkers."

" 'The girls that we've been picking up, they ain't bathed in a month,' he said. 'Right off y'all [undercover prostitutes] are gonna be real popular, because you won't have the flies and gnats on you like the other ones do.' "

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-14-2005, 09:17 PM   #86
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 201
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


PARIS, France. 15 July 2005

LATEST NEWS:

Jacques Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".

There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire at France's white flag factory - effectively crippling their military.
[end]


I'll admit to being a Francophile, but still find this really funny!!!* * *
NB: Just in case anyone was wondering, France along with the UK, Europe and the rest of the free world, does not have as far as I know have any public "Terror Alert" grading system.
__________________
Honkie is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-15-2005, 03:12 PM   #87
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 62
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A*man*was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a very unusual*funeral procession.* A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about*50 feet behind the first.* Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.* Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man could not stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many
of you walking in single line.* Whose funeral is it?"

The*man replied "well, the first coffin is for my wife."* The inquisitive man*asked* "What happpened*to her?"* The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."*

He inquired further "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man*answered* "My mother-in-law.* She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"* *

The man replied "Back of the line."
__________________
I had rather be a slave of the meanest landless man on earth than be king in Hades -- Achilles
nearly50 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-15-2005, 03:15 PM   #88
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 62
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone as asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . . .for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.* "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
__________________
I had rather be a slave of the meanest landless man on earth than be king in Hades -- Achilles
nearly50 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-15-2005, 03:38 PM   #89
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 62
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......“Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
__________________
I had rather be a slave of the meanest landless man on earth than be king in Hades -- Achilles
nearly50 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-15-2005, 04:48 PM   #90
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
HFWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lawn chair in Texas
Posts: 12,591
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

From recent Booze Cruz, where I got to listen/watch ad nauseum Larry the Cable Guy from the Redneck Comedy Tour:

What if feminine products sponsored NASCAR?

"Hey, how'd you get tickets to the Tampon 200?"

"Oh, I had to pull a few strings..."
__________________
Have Funds, Will Retire

...not doing anything of true substance...
HFWR is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-20-2005, 05:35 PM   #91
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Eagle43's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: DFW
Posts: 1,823
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HaHa
Eagle, ask her to send more!

ha
Took a little journey to the Big Easy this week, so I've been "out-of-pocket" as they used to say at work. Glad you liked her jokes and I'll relay your request.
__________________
Resist much. Obey Little. . . . Ed Abbey

Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.
Eagle43 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 12:49 PM   #92
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 927
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A city guy got very tired of crowds, pollution, and city life in general, and decided to retire to the country.* He bought a little place in the middle of nowhere for the peace and quiet, and where the nearest neighbor was 10 miles away.

After a few months, he heard a knock on the door.* Outside the door stood a scruffy, heavily bearded rural fella, about six-foot-four inches tall, 250 lbs., in jeans, a flannel shirt, and boots covered in mud and cow manure.*

"Ah'm yar neighbor" mumbled the taciturn visitor.

"Well... er... good to meet you" replied the city guy.

"Ah'm havin' a little party over to mah house tomorrah night.* Round seven.* Wanna come?"

The city guy was a little put off but after thinking about it and deciding there could be no REAL harm in it, said "sure, I'd like that."

The rustic turns to go but then thinks better of it and turns back.

"Should prob'ly warn ya -- there're times when wrasslin' and a'fightin' breaks out at mah parties."

City guy swallows hard, but wants to be a good neighbor and figures he'll leave if anything gets out of hand.

"And thar can be some purty wild sex at times..."

Well, THAT doesn't sound so bad to the city guy -- he's been out here alone for months, after all!

The country fella turns once again to go and starts down the path.*

"Wait, I have one question," says the city guy.* "Is this kinda of a fomal thing, or more informal?* What should I wear?"

The country boy turns one last time.* "Don't matter none -- wear whutever you want.* Ain't gonna be but the two of us."


__________________
Caroline is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 12:52 PM   #93
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Great joke, Caroline, can't wait to repeat it. Lotta good jokes here.
__________________
  Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 12:58 PM   #94
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,423
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Who's Your Daddy?

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

Or putting it another way... Who's Your Daddy!


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. <censored>

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 01:03 PM   #95
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
wabmester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,459
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

More knock-knock jokes, you say?* *OK, I'll leave this video of my jokester kid up for a while, and then it will mysteriously disapear.

(poof!)
__________________
wabmester is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 04:58 PM   #96
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Eagle43's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: DFW
Posts: 1,823
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

OK, this one should fit the forum:

~ Retirees

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys
work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring and a
student going on summer vacation?
A. None, summer ends but so does the other time
frame, eventually.

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
__________________
Resist much. Obey Little. . . . Ed Abbey

Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.
Eagle43 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 06:09 PM   #97
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A group of friars started a florist business for their fundraising.* Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair.* He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.* He begged the local government to do something.* They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "prevent" the friars from driving the other florist out of business.* Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:* Only Hugh can prevent florist friars!
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 06:24 PM   #98
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: No. California
Posts: 1,550
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Wab

Your daughter is just darling. Love the dog and all the wiggling. And of course the jokes.
The last joke looked like she's creating on the fly, she's a smart little one.
__________________
KB is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 06:38 PM   #99
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 927
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?* *A. Tied shoes.
That reminds me of a couple of tee shirts I've seen lately:


"Retired.*This tee shirt is as dressed up as I get."

"Retired.*Won't work for anything"

"Warning, Retired!"*Knows everything and has all day to tell you about it."


I met the guy wearing the "Retired.* Won't work for anything" tee shirt on a hike and asked him where he got it.* Said he bought it in Florida, and that hundreds of people he'd met since wearing it wanted one too.* Said he thought he might start up a little operation to print them and sell them himself, but then.... that would be WORK!!!!!

Caroline*



__________________
Caroline is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 06:47 PM   #100
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
wabmester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4,459
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by KB
Your daughter is just darling.* Love the dog and all the wiggling.* And of course the jokes.*
The last joke looked like she's creating on the fly, she's a smart little one.
Thanks!* *She's got the delivery nailed, but she may need some coaching on content.* *Although she was telling jokes in a store the other day and actually had a small crowd laughing (well, one lady), so she may be a future Phyllis Diller....* *
__________________

__________________
wabmester is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:51 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.