Its funny joke Thursday!

[Eagle43]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi

[Nords]

It's worth noting that Eagle43 just posted the 1000th response to this thread!

[Outtahere]

THE TELEPHONE

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning !

[kb56]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.

" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees first!" ...

[Outtahere]

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,

"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we som etimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,

I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[brewer12345]

INTERESTING FACT FOR NJ:

Jon Corzine is the first NJ governor to be in a car accident while in office...

although speculation is pretty high that Jim McGreevy was rear-ended a few times.

[REWahoo]

A Department of Transportation employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The DoT employee said, "I have the authority of the Federal Government to go wherever I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screaming, turned and saw the DoT employee running for the fence. Close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was was gaining on the Dot guy at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Quick, show him your card!!"

[mickeyd]

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing before
St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom,
they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big
feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth
and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter
said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with
His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually
He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the
boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six
more weeks of basketball."

St Peter fainted.

[two4theroad]

A stranger was seated next to a young girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The young girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

[Mwsinron]

Originally Posted by two4theroad

A stranger was seated next to a young girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The young girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

LoL!

[two4theroad]

I did not know that sh*t was a word not allowed!!!It was automatically ***ed out, I did not do it. You can say excrement so what is the big deal? The joke was actually referring to excrement it was not used as a curse word. Man we are getting way to politically correct everywhere.....or what?

[HFWR]

Doodoo, caca, poopoo... :P

****...

[calmloki]

Retirement Planning
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

[d]

I did not know that sh*t was a word not allowed!!!It was automatically ***ed out, I did not do it. You can say excrement so what is the big deal? The joke was actually referring to excrement it was not used as a curse word. Man we are getting way to politically correct everywhere.....or what?

this is just a continuation of the long standing Norman practice of subjugating the Anglo-Saxons.

[TromboneAl]

I know I've posted this before, but here's one of my favorites:

Bum 1: Just think, what if we had all the money that we've spent on beer over the years.

Bum 2: Yea, think how much beer we could buy.

[kb56]

The Penis wants a raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.
4. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
5. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You are unable to work double shifts.
8. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
9. You will retire long before age 65.
10. And if that were not enough, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely, The Management

[mickeyd]

Dating Terms Explained

The game of dating...

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

[Outtahere]

The New Supermarket
-------------------------

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[HFWR]

Bathroom grafitti...

It's amazing how man's poetic wit,
Is activated by the smell of $hit...