Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-18-2007, 05:39 AM   #1021
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: 19th Hole
Posts: 2,333
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused & frustrated and says,

"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
__________________

__________________
Normal is an illusion...what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
frayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-18-2007, 07:57 AM   #1022
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 207
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Donald Trump in drag?
__________________

__________________
Can eat with either hand.
Joss is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 05-21-2007, 10:19 AM   #1023
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,412
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here's an old standby with a few modifications... probably originated by Jarhead back in the 50's:

Taking a wee break from the golf course while playing in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his rented Mercedes (don't tell the folks at Buick!) into an Irish gas station.The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf legend is.

"Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two golf tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything..."

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2007, 07:18 AM   #1024
Dryer sheet aficionado
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 40
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
__________________
kb56 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-25-2007, 08:05 AM   #1025
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,917
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
just sitting around chatting. Suddenly the Devil appeared at the front
of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in the frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon
the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact thatGods ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So the Devil walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am? "

The man replied, "Yep sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me ?" the Devil asked?

Nope sure ain't said the man .

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word"? asked the Devil.

"Don't doubt it for a minute"returned the old man in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound horrifying agony for all
eternity" persisted the Devil

"Yep" was the calm reply

"And you're still not afraid" asked the Devil.

"Nope" said the old man.

More than a little perturbed the Devil asked "Why aren't you afraid
of me".

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
1000 lb hog killed by a 11 year old kid with a pistol
Old 05-25-2007, 07:53 PM   #1026
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Dawg52's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Central MS/Orange Beach, AL
Posts: 6,969
1000 lb hog killed by a 11 year old kid with a pistol

This is no joke but kind of funny. Found this on another site. Dad and son look kind of hoggish too.

Kern River Fly Fishing Forum - GIANT HOG!!!!
__________________
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
Dawg52 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-2007, 02:37 PM   #1027
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
It still hurts for me to laugh so I've avoided reading and posting to this thread but this was just too funny.


POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?

Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.

The teacher fainted.
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-2007, 08:49 PM   #1028
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
calmloki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 5,115
It's good to have a honey send you stuff like this. I guess.

What Women Want in a Man
Original List:
  • Handsome
  • Charming
  • Financially successful
  • A caring listener
  • Witty
  • In good shape
  • Dresses with style
  • Appreciates finer things
  • Full of thoughtful surprises
  • An imaginative, romantic lover
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
  • Nice looking
  • Opens car doors, holds chairs
  • Has enough money for a nice dinner
  • Listens more than talks
  • Laughs at my jokes
  • Carries bags of groceries with ease
  • Owns at least one tie
  • Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
  • Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
  • Seeks romance at least once a week
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
  • Not too ugly
  • Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  • Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
  • Nods head when I'm talking
  • Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
  • Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  • Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
  • Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
  • Remembers to put the toilet seat down
  • Shaves most weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
  • Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
  • Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  • Doesn't borrow money too often
  • Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
  • Doesn't retell the same joke too ma ny times
  • Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
  • Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  • Appreciates a good TV dinner
  • Remembers your name on occasion
  • Shaves some weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
  • Doesn't scare small children
  • Remembers where bathroom is
  • Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  • Only snores lightly when asleep
  • Remembers why he's laughing
  • Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  • Usually wears some clothes
  • Likes soft foods
  • Remembers where he left his teeth
  • Remembers that it's the weekend
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)
  • Breathing
  • Doesn't miss the toilet.
__________________
calmloki is offline   Reply With Quote
Golf Day
Old 06-06-2007, 05:08 AM   #1029
Recycles dryer sheets
two4theroad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 216
Golf Day


One day I got up early when I was living back north; I put on my long Johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back (the prior wife), now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied; " I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that sh*t?"
__________________
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.<br />-Robert A. Heinlein
two4theroad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-06-2007, 05:40 PM   #1030
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
Due to the climate of political correctness now America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore...


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed
a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY
CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He
"INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE
REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops
a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."*
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 02:55 PM   #1031
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 02:56 PM   #1032
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realized she had forgotten to get shoes. Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the family crowded around the door of the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected; grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said, "My God. That was even tighter."

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 02:56 PM   #1033
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was at the beginning of my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement,

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMEN'S TEE PLEASE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE!!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back, "WOULD THE IDIOT IN THE CLUBHOUSE KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 02:57 PM   #1034
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them.

They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potato sacks.

The cop runs in after them, and the first potato sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, "MEEEEOOOOOOW," and the cop says, "Oh! It's just a stupid cat."

He then moves to the potato sack the redhead is under and kicks it. The redhead replies, "ROOF, ROOF," the cop, angry now, says, "STUPID DOG!!"

Then the cop gets to the potato sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde screams, "POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOO!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 02:59 PM   #1035
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "Okay," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard weeping, but there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 03:00 PM   #1036
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A man was sleeping with a married woman. When her husband had gone to work, her secret lover came around. Just as they got down to business, the doorbell rang. The woman went downstairs and peered out of the curtains to see who it was.

"Oh no, it's my husband, he must have forgotten something."

The woman went downstairs, and the man jumped out of the window before he was seen. He was totally naked, so he hid behind a bush. About an hour later, a nudist group ran by, doing a marathon. He quickly jumped up and joined them.

After a while, he started talking to one of them.

"So how long have you been a nudist?" a man asked him.

"Not long," he replied.

"What about that?" the other man said to him, pointing to the condom the man was wearing.

"Oh, it was raining when I came out," the man replied.
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 03:02 PM   #1037
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be shouting matches coming from their house.

In public, the husband often screamed, "I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!" The old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him.

At the age of 80, the old guy died and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked, "Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig himself out of his grave to haunt you?"

The old lady calmly replied, "Let him dig. I put the casket in the other way around."
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 03:03 PM   #1038
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex


It's legal to earn money playing hockey.
Many people play hockey even after they're married.
The puck's always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts at least an hour.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
You always know how big the stick is.
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.
You can change players on the fly.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up.
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
You're sure to get it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 03:04 PM   #1039
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
It was a really hot day and this blonde decided to go buy a can of Coke. She went to the Coke machine and when she put her money in, a can of Coke came out -- so she kept putting money in.

Now since it was such a hot day, a line had formed behind her. Finally, a guy in line said, "Will you hurry up? We're all hot and thirsty!"

And the blonde said, "No way. I'm still winning!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2007, 03:05 PM   #1040
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and kill you."

The man did as he was instructed, and just then, a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
__________________

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:33 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.