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Old 06-07-2007, 03:05 PM   #1041
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George and James were chatting in a bar.

George said, "What would you do if you heard the world was to end in fifteen minutes?"

"I'd screw anything that moved", said James. "What would you do?"

George said, "I'd stand perfectly still."
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:06 PM   #1042
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Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:08 PM   #1043
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Top 15 Signs You've Been Out Of College Too Long

15- Your potted plants stay alive.

14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.

1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:09 PM   #1044
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a little racy... but

Male Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there thinks you're slutty.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'd be on your knees greeting my crotch.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, 'cause after I get done nailing you in the back of my car... I don't give a crap where you go.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always withdraw onto your face

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: No!
Man: I think you misheard me. I said you look fat in those pants.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me... as long as you're still warm when I do you.
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:11 PM   #1045
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
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Old 06-07-2007, 03:12 PM   #1046
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A blonde walks into a salon wearing headphones. The stylist was a little shocked and politely asks, "Ma'am, could you remove the headphones?"

"No! If I take them off, I'll die!" answered the blonde.

The stylist agreed to work around them. The blonde retured a few months later, still with headphones on. "Could you please take off the headphones, this time?" asked the stylist.

The blonde gave her the same answer as before, "I'll die if I take them off!"

Again, the stylist works around them. The third time, the blonde returns, still wearing headphones. Obviously fustrated, the stylist tells her, "Listen, I'm not working around those headphones again! Take them off!"

The blonde yells back at her, "I will DIE if I take them off!" The stylist reaches over and yanks them off. To her surprise, the blonde stopped breathing and fell to the floor.

"What the hell was she listening to?" asked the stylist. She put one end up to her ear and heard a voice repeating;

"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."
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Old 06-07-2007, 04:43 PM   #1047
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Old 06-08-2007, 08:13 AM   #1048
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Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fasteneron a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing footballwithout a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before takingoff on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit onother women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-m ent) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything thatcan be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said .......They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Much to their surprise...
Old 06-10-2007, 10:33 AM   #1049
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Much to their surprise...

...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg virgins in heaven.jpg (18.9 KB, 21 views)
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...not doing anything of true substance...
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Old 06-10-2007, 01:57 PM   #1050
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Hey, that nun (3rd from the right) was my 5th grade teacher. I believe she only packed a pistol at the time, but that was years ago.
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Old 06-10-2007, 02:40 PM   #1051
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
I believe she only packed a pistol at the time, but that was years ago.
Well, if a ruler wouldn't do it when you were in the third grade, now that you're bigger she's gonna need a lot more stopping power...
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Old 06-11-2007, 06:12 PM   #1052
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Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards
were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said,
"You know... I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and
make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out the window and make ten people very happy."
John Edwards added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."


Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there.... I could throw all of them out the
window and make 156 million people very happy."


If you are one of those 156 million, forward this! GOD BLESS!
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Old 06-11-2007, 07:50 PM   #1053
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Why 156 million?
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Diesel Fitter
Old 06-11-2007, 08:01 PM   #1054
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Diesel Fitter

Billy Bob And Rufus Worked Together In A Alabama Clothing Factory And Both
Were Laid Off So They Went To The Unemployment Office.
When Asked His Occupation, Billy Bob Said "panty Stitcher..... I Sew Elastic
Into Ladies Cotton Panties"..... The Clerk Looked Up "panty Stitcher" And
Put Down It Was Listed As Unskilled Labor, So She Put Him Down For $300 A
Week Unemployment Pay.
She Asked Rufus His Occupation And He Said, "diesel Fitter", Which Was
Listed As A Skilled Job.... She Put Him Down For $600 A Week....
When Billy Bob Found Out He Was Furious! He Stormed Back Into The Office To
Find Out Why His Co-worker Got Twice The Money......the Clerk Explained,
"panty Stitchers Are Unskilled, And Diesel Fitters Are Skilled Labor"
"what Skill?" Yelled Billy Bob. I Sew The Elastic On The Panties And Rufus
Puts 'em Over His Head And Says, "diesel Fitter"....!!!!
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Old 06-12-2007, 10:34 AM   #1055
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For Jarhead....

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to
spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he
could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and
asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball
far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a
tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball,
directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally
said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that
tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the
ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on
the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that
pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Old 06-13-2007, 08:29 AM   #1056
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A couple of "Out of Office" automatic e-mail replies you may want to
use during TDYs, vacations, or whatever the occasion.


1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain
and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your
message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can
see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of
'Joe'

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Old 06-13-2007, 11:55 AM   #1057
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One of my brilliant co-workers brought in her dog after she took him to the vet. "Poor thing has an eye infection and is oozing pus, " she said. "I've been calling him 'Pussy Face' all weekend."

"Really?" I said. "How do you spell that?"

"P-U-S-S-Y... Oh, Dr.," she said, "only you would pick up on that."

"Not only that," I said. "But now I have this image of little pussy face here burying his snout in your snatch."
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Old 06-13-2007, 11:57 AM   #1058
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Bar Phrases (& Their True Meanings)

"You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next round is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Female)
(I'm easy.)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Male)
(I'm gay.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Female)
(I'm really easy.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Male)
(I'm really gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" (Female To Male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male)
(I'm horny.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Female)
(Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)
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Old 06-15-2007, 06:34 PM   #1059
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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Old 06-16-2007, 08:57 AM   #1060
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25 Reason Why I Love My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"


13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."


19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"


20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"


24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU!!!!!"
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