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Old 06-20-2007, 12:18 PM   #1061
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Guy walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $10's. He asks the bartender about it. ""Pay $10, pass three tests, and get all the money. You probably want to know about the tests, but you gotta' pay to even hear what they are." The customer paid his 10.

"First, you have to drink a whole gallon of pepper tequila all at once and can't make a face. After that, I got a pit bull out back with a bad tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Last thing is that there's a 70 year-old spinster upstairs who never had an orgasm. You've got to show her what she's been missing. So...whaddaya' say, Bub?"

"What do I say? You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then try those other two things. This is a ripoff!"

"Your call, but your money stays in the jar. Rules are rules." The guy sat down, thoroughly ticked at being taken like this. He stayed several hours and kept thinking about the 3 tests. They didn't seem near so tough now....

"Okay, wherez zat tequila at?" The bartender brought it out and the guy downed it without a grimace. The regulars applauded wildly. "Okay, I'm ready for your stupid dog," he said as he staggered out back. The regulars glanced fearfully at each other. Soon they heard a half-hour of terrible growling and barking and the customer's yells. They rushed to the back door only to see the man swaying in, covered with blood and snarling.

"OK, Mr. Bartender, now where in the hell's that old biddy with a sore tooth?"
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Old 06-22-2007, 08:19 AM   #1062
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David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:50 AM   #1063
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Paraphrased joke from Jay Leno monologue:

A 71-year-old today became the oldest person to climb Mt. Everest. The only problem was that when he got to the top, he couldn't remember why he'd come up there.
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Old 06-23-2007, 02:29 PM   #1064
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Having a bad day.
I rear-ended a car at a stop sign.
The driver gets out of his car, and he's a friggin dwarf!
He says, "I'm not happy."
I says, "Oh, yeah, then which one are you?"
That's when my day really turned bad.
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Words Women Use
Old 06-24-2007, 10:48 AM   #1065
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Words Women Use





1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually
end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Ref er back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
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Kim Jong-Il's ratings drop 30%!!!
Old 06-24-2007, 02:11 PM   #1066
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Kim Jong-Il's ratings drop 30%!!!

In The Know: Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120% | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

From 150% down to 120%...why?
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Old 06-26-2007, 06:10 AM   #1067
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GRANNY WITH A GUN

This is a true account recorded in the police log of Sarasota, Florida.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key in to the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down the parking lot. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.
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Old 06-28-2007, 02:11 PM   #1068
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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps herself back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she returns to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next-door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your stakeholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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Old 06-28-2007, 02:12 PM   #1069
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.
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Old 06-28-2007, 02:13 PM   #1070
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A man is out playing golf on a Saturday afternoon in Ireland. He steps up to the 16th tee, and shanks his shot deep into the rough on the side of the fairway.

He goes chasing after his ball, and when he finds it, he sees a leprechaun, lying on the ground next to his ball, unconscious, with a knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun who says, "Aye, laddie, ye did it. Ye caught me, so ye get yer three wishes." The golfer, more concerned for the leprechaun, says, "My God, man. I hit ye with my golf ball and you want to grant me three wishes? I don't need me three wishes. I just want to know you're okay, to be sure."

The leprechaun, in a fit of agitation, says to the golfer, "Listen. I'll be okay. If you don't want your three wishes, then I am going to give you the three most-often-requested wishes whether ye like it or not -- so here goes.

"First, inexhaustible wealth.
Second, a scratch golf handicap for the rest of your life -- you'll be playing like Tiger-friggin'-Woods, to be sure.
And third, an incredible love life.
Now I am going to tend to me head," says the leprechaun, who vanishes into the mist.

One Year Later.

The man is out playing golf on another Saturday afternoon, in Ireland. He steps up to the 16th tee, and shanks his shot deep into the rough on the side of the fairway. Again.

He goes chasing after his ball, and when he finds it, he finds the same leprechaun, lying on the ground next to his ball, unconscious, with a knot on the other side of his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun, saying, "Good God, man. I canna' believe I hit ye again wit' me golf ball."

"Never mind me," says the leprechaun. "How are YOU holding up? How's your money situation?"

"Funny you should mention that," says the golfer. "Whenever I put me hand in me pocket, out it comes wit' a hundred-pound-note!"

"Remember," says the leprechaun, "I gave you inexhaustible wealth! Tell me now, how's your golf game?"

"Would you believe I played a tournament last week," says the golfer, "and I beat Tiger Woods by two strokes, I did."

"That's right," says the leprechaun. "I promised you scratch golf for the rest of your life. And how's your love life?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I met a nice lady, and we've been seein' a bit of each other..."

"Skip to the good parts!" exclaimed the leprechaun. "Details, man. I want details. How often are you and the miss gettin' it?"

"It's good," says the golfer. "At least twice a week, not to brag, mind ye."

"Twice a week" exclaimed the leprechaun. "Are ye daft, man? You call that good"

"Well," says the golfer, "for a Catholic priest in a small parish, it's not bad."
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Old 06-28-2007, 02:14 PM   #1071
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On a plane bound for New York, the flignt attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain replied "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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Old 06-28-2007, 02:14 PM   #1072
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A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. So she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned to a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed even more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this... When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident,' I just lost it."
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Old 06-28-2007, 02:15 PM   #1073
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It use to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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Old 07-05-2007, 01:06 PM   #1074
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her .

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
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Old 07-05-2007, 02:53 PM   #1075
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On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past, for this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
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Old 07-05-2007, 04:23 PM   #1076
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An old man has moved to a small New England town to live with his daughter. On Friday, he goes down to the tavern, orders three shots, sits quietly at a corner table, downs them, and leaves. Next Friday, same thing. And each Friday thereafter, the man does the same thing, rarely saying a word to anyone.

Finally, curiosity gets the best of bar's regulars, and one of them goes to his table, practically demanding to know why he has the three shots each Friday.

"Ah, it goes back over 50 years," the man says. "I was in the Ardennes in the Battle of the Bulge, and spent a lot of time in a foxhole with my two buddies from my home town. One Friday, after an especially horrendous day of shelling, I decide to break open a bottle of whiskey I'd been saving, and I say: Joe, I'm going to have a drink on your behalf, in quiet celebrate of your still being with us; Fred, another drink for you; and one for me. Won't you two do the same for me, and for yourselves and each other?

"We survive another week, and for luck, we have another three swigs each. Well, we finally get out of there just as the bottle was about empty, and we make a pact that wherever we are, every Friday we'll each have a drink for ourselves and for each of the other two as long as we survive the war. And we survive! So we hold on to this tradition after the war. And by god, not only did we survive the war, but also sicknesses, divorces, accidents, and old age, and we're all three still alive today!

I'm getting a bit old, so I finally had to move her to stay with my daughter, but like we promised, we have these drinks wherever we are, whether we're together or apart. So that's why I'm here on this Friday, ordering these three shots: one for Joe, one for Fred, and one for me.

"It's kind of a personal thing with us though, so I hope you don't mind that I'll be drinking these alone."

The locals are delighted by this story, and even though they don't see much of him any other time, they always look forward to seeing him each Friday, and they respect his wishes to drink by himself.

Finally it happens. One Friday, the old GI comes in, and orders two shots. A hush falls over the bar as he takes his two drinks to his table. The regulars resume their conversations, but only in muted tones, stealing glances at the old man at the corner table. After a short while, that same patron goes over to the man's table, hat in hand, head bowed, and says, "The boys here at the bar asked me to pass along their condolences."

Lowering his voice a bit more, he moves a bit closer and says in an almost choked voice, "Tell me, sir--was it Joe, or was it Fred?"

The man looks up, startled, and realizes the purpose of the question. "Oh, no, that's not it at all! They're both fine! I just went to the doctor this week, and he said I have to stop drinking"

Nodding at the two glasses on the table, he smiles and says, "He didn't say nuthin' about Fred or Joe though!"
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Old 07-09-2007, 06:44 AM   #1077
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man, being a fisherman, consulted his portable GPS and replied, " You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a surface elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been any help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You're obviously a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you aren't going to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now it's MY fault!"
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Old 07-09-2007, 05:03 PM   #1078
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Heres the more modern, although implausible, version of that joke...

A small commuter airplane is approaching Seattle. Fog envelopes the plane,
and the pilot becomes disoriented. Obviously confused, he struggles to
regain course without success. He decides to lose some altitude, and there
in the fog appears a large building! Pilot decides to circle around the
building to give himself time to form a new plan, when he sees a man in the
building through an office window. Opens the cockpit window and hollers to
the man. "Can you tell me where I am?" Man replies, "You're in an
airplane." Pilot flies off, and minutes later is safely on the ground. He
explains to the co-pilot, "The answer was at the same time perfectly correct
and totally unhelpful. I realized that we must be circling the Microsoft
Technical Support building, and I know the airport is five miles due
east of that."
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Old 07-10-2007, 09:59 PM   #1079
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SMART A$$ ANSWERS

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who he had pulled over for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passes a sign that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Old 07-14-2007, 10:42 AM   #1080
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The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased that he entered it in the race again, and it won a second time.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
The angry bishop ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He told the nun to get rid of he donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
The bishop nearly had a stroke. He ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND
FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.
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