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Old 07-14-2007, 03:13 PM   #1081
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"Here's your sign":

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Here's Your Sign

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"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough, and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact be the first steps of a journey." Violet Baudelaire.
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Cephalopod Surprise
Old 07-14-2007, 06:45 PM   #1082
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Cephalopod Surprise

Cephalopod Surprise

...
So that night, I went out and I bought a premade pie crust. And a tub of Cool Whip. And then I stopped by a Korean grocery store and purchased a whole, frozen squid. And sprinkles.
...
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Old 07-24-2007, 07:14 AM   #1083
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Bull***t Bingo


For those of you who have ever been forced to attend meetings....


Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?

What about those long and boring conference calls?

Here's away to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare

yourself by drawing a square. (I find that 5" x 5" is a good size.)

2. Divide the square into columns - five across and five down. That will give you

25 one-inch blocks.

3. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy

* strategic fit

* core competencies

* best practice

* bottom line

* revisit

* expeditious

* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")

* 24/7

* out of the loop

* benchmark

* value-added

* pro-active

* win-win

* think outside the box

* fast track

* result-driven

* empower (or empowerment)

* knowledge based

* at the end of the day

* touch base

* mind-set

* client focused

* paradigm

* game plan

* leverage

4. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and

shout "BULL***T!"**


Testimonials from satisfied "Bull***t Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Adam, Atlanta

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David, Florida

"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan.

New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL***T!' for the third time in two hours." - Paul, Cleveland

"When I won and yelled "BULL***T!" the woman sleeping next to me slid off her chair!" - Joseph,Los Angeles
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:44 PM   #1084
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to wit:

While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:46 PM   #1085
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Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era




Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm while all around you there's chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:47 PM   #1086
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Top 8 Signs You're Burned Out



8- You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell..."

7- Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

6- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

5- You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

4- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

3- You sleep more at work than at home.

2- You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

1- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:48 PM   #1087
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During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom arrived to the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it was time for the groom's vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $100 in the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:49 PM   #1088
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Two buddies named Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games per year and they even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:50 PM   #1089
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A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

When she arrived at the place, the instructor said, "Well, there's only one helicopter here and it only has one seat. If I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"

"Oh of course not! I can handle it," the blonde replied.

Well, he showed her the inner workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400 feet just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

At 400 feet, she radioed in saying, "Wow! This is so much fun!"

At 800 feet, she radioed in again saying, "This is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"

At 1,200 feet, she didn't radio in. He waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde. Seconds later, he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened -- the blonde crashed!

Luckily she survived. "What happened?" the instructor exclaimed.

"Well, I was doing fine, but I started to get cold so I just turned off the big fan!"
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:51 PM   #1090
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One morning a grumpy boss notices that one of his employees is not at his desk, so he calls his home. A small child answers in a whisper, "Hello?"

"Is your father home?" the boss asks.

"Yes," the child replies.

"May I please speak with him?"

"No," is the response.

"Okay, is your mommy home then?"

"Yes," is whispered again.

"May I please speak with her?"

"No," is the reply.

By now the boss is getting frustrated. "What are they doing then?" he asks.

"Talking to the policeman," the child whispers.

Now this gets the bosses attention. "Why is there a policeman there?" he asks.

"He came in the helicopter," the child whispers.

"A helicopter?" Now his interest is really intrigued. "Why is there a helicopter there?" he asks in an excited voice.

"They're all with the search party," the child says.

"A search party, who are they searching for?" the boss asks.

"Me," the voice replies, and then hangs up.
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:52 PM   #1091
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A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call him a cab.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the barstool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and -- still politely if not more firmly -- refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender angrily for a moment, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he will either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:54 PM   #1092
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A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive, so he got an instructor and started his lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord.

The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

When the time came for the redneck to jump from the airplane, the instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him.

The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, huh?"
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:54 PM   #1093
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Blonde Inventions


1. The waterproof towel
2. Solar-powered flashlight
3. A submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dartboard
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheelchair
10. The waterproof tea bag
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:56 PM   #1094
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Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows!

Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
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Old 07-27-2007, 01:57 PM   #1095
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William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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Code to WOMANTALK finally broken...
Old 07-30-2007, 03:05 PM   #1096
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Code to WOMANTALK finally broken...

What Women Say ---- And What They REALLY Mean

ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".


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Stuff Brits put on signs....
Old 07-30-2007, 04:06 PM   #1097
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Stuff Brits put on signs....

British Signs

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Old 07-31-2007, 06:11 PM   #1098
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An engineer died and found himself at the Gates of Heaven. After a short wait, St Peter shows up and asks what he wants. The engineer asks to enter. St Peter checks his roster and tells the engineer he is not on it; therefore, he will have to go down below. After much protesting the engineer gives in and goes down to Hell. T

Several months later, God was overlooking his creations and noticed things had changed drastically in Hell. Things were actually comfortable there. The engineer had installed air conditioning; refrigeration to keep the beer cold; escalators instead of ladders; etc.

God was very put out. After all, Hell was suppose to cause suffering. God asked St Peter what had happened. At that, the engineer was summoned before God and was told there had been a mistake. Engineers are suppose to go to Heaven and he was to come up immediately. The engineer declined the rquest saying he now had built Hell to his liking and was very comfortable down there.

At that remark, God commanded the engineer to come to Heaven immediately or he was going to sue the engineer. The engineer replied "Yeah right, and where do you think you will find a lawyer?"
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:20 AM   #1099
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

* The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Millsaps Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent. "They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

* The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Ole Miss School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

* The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Mississippi State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:22 AM   #1100
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Q: Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
A: He was looking for loopholes!

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1 in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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