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Old 08-02-2007, 10:22 AM   #1101
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* 1-star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.

** 2-star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.

*** 3-star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime someone walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.

You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.

**** 4-star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.

You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5-star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.

Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

****** 6-star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:23 AM   #1102
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1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:26 AM   #1103
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A golf pro caught up with a threesome and asked if he could join them for the rest of the round. The guys agreed under one condition: that he would let them know what they were doing wrong. He agreed.

The first golfer told the pro that he had a bad slice. The pro told him to hit and he would analyze his swing. He proceeded to hit a major slice. He turned to the pro for advice and the pro informed him it was his LOFT.

The second golfer informed the pro that he had the opposite problem; a bad hook. He got on the tee and proceeded to hit this ugly duck hook. Looking to the pro for advise, he got the same advice as his friend. "It's your LOFT."

The third golfer, who was a big, burly guy, said that he really struggled with this part of the game. He took a big, aggressive swing and almost missed the ball. He topped it and it rolled about 100 yards down the middle. Looking to the pro for advice, he was told, it too, was his LOFT.

Finally, the first golfer turned to the pro: "What in the hell is going on. I sliced the ball, he hooked it and he topped it, and you said it was our LOFT, how can that be?"

The pro looked at the golfers and said, "LOFT stands for Lack Of Freaking Talent!"
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:26 AM   #1104
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An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:27 AM   #1105
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Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.

So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"

The boy stood up and said, "35."

"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.

"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.

The boy said, "75."

"That's good," the preacher replied.

He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."

The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.

He said, "I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them."
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Old 08-05-2007, 02:13 PM   #1106
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Give me a forum ...
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone
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Old 08-09-2007, 08:19 AM   #1107
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Retirement Choices

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
OR

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
OR

You can Live in Texas where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
OR

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
OR

Or you can live in Florida where.....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6 Want a thrill....stick around for hurricane season!!!


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Old 08-13-2007, 07:45 AM   #1108
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Europe Heightens Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and
excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
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Old 08-14-2007, 11:55 AM   #1109
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Parochial Elementary Bible School Test Responses


1. In The First Book Of The Bible, Guinessis. God Got Tired Of
Creating The World So He Took The Sabbath Off.

2. Adam And Eve Were Created From An Apple Tree. Noah's Wife Was Joan
Of Ark. Noah Built And Ark And The Animals Came On In Pears.

3. Lots Wife Was A Pillar Of Salt During The Day, But A Ball Of Fire
During The Night.

4. The Jews Were A Proud People And Throughout History They Had Trouble
With Unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson Was A Strongman Who Let Himself Be Led Astray By A Jezebel
Like Delilah.

6. Samson Slayed The Philistines With The Axe Of The Apostles.

7. Moses Led The Jews To The Red Sea Where They Made Unleavened Bread
Which Is Bread Without Any Ingredients.

8, The Egyptians Were All Drowned In The Dessert. Afterwards, Moses
Went Up To Mount Cyanide To Get The Ten Commandments.

9. The First Commandments Was When Eve Told Adam To Eat The Apple.

10. The Seventh Commandment Is Thou Shalt Not Admit Adultery.

11. Moses Died Before He Ever Reached Canada. Then Joshua Led The
Hebrews In The Battle Of Geritol.

12. The Greatest Miricle In The Bible Is When Joshua Told His Son To
Stand Still And He Obeyed Him.

13. David Was A Hebrew King Who Was Skilled At Playing The Liar. He
Fought The Finkelsteins, A Race Of People Who Lived In Biblical Times.

14. Solomon, One Of Davids Sons, Had 300 Wives And 700 Porcupines.

15. When Mary Heard She Was The Mother Of Jesus, She Sang The Magna
Carta.

16. When The Three Wise Guys From The East Side Arrived They Found
Jesus In The Manager.

17. Jesus Was Born Because Mary Had An Immaculate Contraption.

18. St. John The Blacksmith Dumped Water On His Head.

19. Jesus Enunciated The Golden Rule, Which Says To Do Unto Others
Before They Do One To You. He Also Explained A Man Doth Not Live By
Sweat Alone.

20. It Was A Miricle When Jesus Rose From The Dead And Managed To Get
The Tombstone Off The Entrance.

21. The People Who Followed The Lord Were Called The 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels Were The Wives Of The Apostles.

23. One Of The Oppossums Was St. Matthew Who Was Also A Taximan.

24. St. Paul Cavorted To Christianity, He Preached Holy Acrimony Which
Is Another Name For Marraige.

25. Christians Have Only One Spouse. This Is Called Monotony.
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Old 08-16-2007, 05:55 AM   #1110
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A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson.
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes
down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the
dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain
the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man
an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy
and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in
the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the
appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride
to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that
they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first
after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting
for the first person to break and get stuck doing the
dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides
to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman
in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more
direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex
with her in front of everyone.

And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting
desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the
table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to
do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first
thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he
reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
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Bumper Stickers on Retirees Cars
Old 08-16-2007, 09:18 AM   #1111
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Bumper Stickers on Retirees Cars

Bumper Stickers on Retirees Cars WARNING THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL OLD

I asked my wife if old men wear boxers or briefs? - She said Depends.

The only trouble with retirement .. . you never get a dam day off

Goodbye tension! - Hello Pension

I was at the Beauty Shop for nearly two hours.
That was only for the estimate

That Snap Crackle Pop in the morning aint my freaking Rice Krispies

You know youre getting old when you throw a wild party and the neighbors dont even realize it.

Sometime I wake up grumpy . And some days I let him sleep.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly . eat slowly, and lie about your age.

I must be getting older .. all the names in my phone book end with M.D.

Im not old Im Chronologically Gifted

Be nice to your children. They will choose your nursing home.

Retirement is the best medicine.

Florida Gods Waiting Room

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

It aint the age. Its the darn mileage.

Support Bingo - Keep Grandma off the streets.

When did my wild oats . turn to prunes and bran?

Im not losing my hair Im getting more head.

Retirement twice as much husband, half as much money

My wife always gives me sound advice 99% sound, 1% advice

Just Married . For 55 Years

Dont Laugh My Studebaker may be worth more than what you drive.

Insufficient memory at this time

Sometimes I pee when I laugh

Never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

Old Age Comes at a Very Bad Time

You know youre getting older . when Happy Hour is a nap

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live
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Old 08-16-2007, 09:55 AM   #1112
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There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:33 PM   #1113
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Two accountants were biking through a park when one noticed that the other had a new bike.

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, stripped off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"Good choice," said the other accountant. "The clothes would have probably been a poor fit anyway."
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:34 PM   #1114
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There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half-hour. Then, this bully steps up to the bar, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on, man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I can't stand to see a man crying."

The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I get fired for oversleeping and getting to work late. Then, as I'm leaving the building, I find out my car was stolen. I get in a cab to return home and I forget my wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:34 PM   #1115
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A man is driving on the highway, when he's pulled over by a police officer on a bike.

The driver pulls over to the side of the road and says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"

The police officer says, "No sir, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back."

The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:35 PM   #1116
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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Giants fan saves friend from vicious animal," he writes in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.

"Little Jets fan rescues friend from horrific attack," he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little redneck maniac kills beloved family pet."
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:36 PM   #1117
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There was a rich blonde girl who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model.

Half an hour later she went back to the showroom, claiming that the car they sold her was terrible and that she couldn't believe a brand-new Mercedes could have a defect in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The management apologized and gave her a new car.

Again, after half an hour she came back. The management offered her a new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could figure out what the problem was. She put it in first gear and sped up, put in second, then third, fourth, fifth.... "And now," she said, "for the rocket," and threw it in reverse.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:36 PM   #1118
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A musician was placed on death row. On his last day, he didn't want anything special for his last meal; he didn't even want to talk to his family. As he was strapped into "the chair," the guards asked him if he had any last requests.

He said, "Well, music has always been an important part of my life. Could I sing my favorite song one last time?"

The guards replied, "Yes, you may."

"Oh, one billion bottles of beer on the wall, one billion bottles of beer..."
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:38 PM   #1119
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A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"

Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:39 PM   #1120
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A guy walked into a bar and said, "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing: he ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said, "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said, "Why?"

The guy replied, "You're violent when you're drunk!"
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