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Mountain Oysters? Calf Fries? or...
Old 08-18-2007, 04:09 PM   #1121
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Mountain Oysters? Calf Fries? or...

A Texan cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.... Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"....
The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy, I might add"!
The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day, because, there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only, special delicacy of the day. After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller, than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor, sometimes the bull wins
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Old 08-18-2007, 07:32 PM   #1122
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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks
the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple
of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and
rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like......... 'Yes,
I see ,'and 'Yes, go on,' and 'I understand'."

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, "No s***... what happened next??"
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Old 08-29-2007, 07:43 AM   #1123
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Forgive me if this one has been posted before, but I hadn't heard it before.

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:04 AM   #1124
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A man is in a motorcycle accident, and his penis gets cut off. The doctor explains to him that for $10,000 they can just sew him up. For $20,000 they can replace his organ, and it may or may not work. For $60,000, they can give him a substantially larger piece of equipment that will work perfectly.

So the man goes home to talk to his wife. He says "For $10,000 they can just sew me up. For $20,000 they can replace my penis, and it may or may not work. For $60,000, they can give me a significantly larger penis that will work perfectly. What do you think?"

And the wife replies "Well, I really would like a new kitchen."

- From Jay Leno
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Old 08-29-2007, 11:08 AM   #1125
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And then there is this one:

WHY MEN SHOULD NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter
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Old 08-29-2007, 07:38 PM   #1126
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New Apple Product

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499, $599, or $799 depending on speaker size.




This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Old 09-04-2007, 10:20 AM   #1127
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A contest was held for folks to submit their theories on ANY
subject.
Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory):

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number
of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great
literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics):

Why Yawning Is Contagious:. You yawn to equalize the pressure on
your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums
unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to
even it
out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic):

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have
no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate
technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics):

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just
as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought
in close
to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics):

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If
omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian
"pahks
his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to
"warsh" his
car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion):

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when
toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to
strap
giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred
tethered cats.
The two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning
inches
above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast-cat array, a
high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
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Old 09-10-2007, 02:25 PM   #1128
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On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,


"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
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Old 09-10-2007, 06:11 PM   #1129
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Accused mugger licks woman's toes
The Associated Press
Article Last Updated: 09/10/2007 04:50:22 PM CDT


ST. PAUL—Police said a man who robbed a woman of her keys and cell phone then took off her shoes and licked her toes. Commander Kevin Casper said the attack was "weird sexual behavior." The 24-year-old woman was leaving work around 1 a.m. Saturday when the 27-year-old man approached her and demanded her keys and phone. After that he removed her shoes.
Police say the woman was not hurt.
Police arrested the man a few minutes later about four blocks away. The woman identified the suspect and police were able to recover her keys and phone.
The man is in custody and has not yet been formally charged.
———
Information from: St. Paul Pioneer Press, TwinCities.com - HOME
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Old 09-11-2007, 11:30 AM   #1130
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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Old 09-11-2007, 12:12 PM   #1131
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The Dentist


A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.


The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.

No way! No needles!

I hate needles!" the patient shouted.

The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.

"I can't do the gas thing!

The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.

No," the patient said, "I am fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient replied:

Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"

It doesn't," said the dentist,

but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.
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Old 09-12-2007, 01:28 PM   #1132
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Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it

all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month
ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate
and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I

was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
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Old 09-12-2007, 06:03 PM   #1133
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I have read all these jokes over a long period of time and can't remember whether this one is in here or not.

Paraphrasing:

A Chinese guy was having sex with his wife when she said to him "I wanna sixty-nine!"

He was astonished and said "You want beef with broccoli NOW?"

Mike D.
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Old 09-14-2007, 10:29 AM   #1134
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This one may be a little too close to home...

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended MorganParkHigh School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered , "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat butt, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"
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Dr Seuss for adults
Old 09-18-2007, 07:53 AM   #1135
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Dr Seuss for adults

Dr Seuss for adults

The Cat
In The Hat
On Aging

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh my god, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad – can you tell?
My body’s drooping
Have trouble pooping
The golden year
Have come at last
The Golden Years
Can kiss my ass



Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who started college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.!
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel', or 'de plane Boss, de plane'.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for thoseof you who have trouble reading.
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Old 09-18-2007, 01:09 PM   #1136
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Things In Football That Sound Dirty


20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration into the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
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Old 09-18-2007, 01:09 PM   #1137
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet 20 thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought you were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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Old 09-18-2007, 01:10 PM   #1138
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An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.

Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"
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Old 09-18-2007, 01:11 PM   #1139
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Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL-QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hardheaded.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL-ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
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Old 09-18-2007, 01:11 PM   #1140
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Beer Translations

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female) I'm easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male) I'm gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) I'm horny.

10. "Who's got the next round?" I haven't bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
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