perinova
Full time employment: Posting here.
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It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020
- Thread starter cute fuzzy bunny
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jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The chicken turns over on its side and mutters, "Well, I guess that solves that debate."
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important.
This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
This is the time of year to think of ticks once again.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is very interesting, but what they conceal is vital.
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc. in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an *******!"
Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an *AH*, underlined".
Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir ..... you know your client better than I do."
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an *******!"
Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an *AH*, underlined".
Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."
Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"
Officer: "Yes Sir."
Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ass Hole?"
Officer: "Well, Sir ..... you know your client better than I do."
MikeD
Full time employment: Posting here.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, Monotype Corsiva] Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif, Monotype Corsiva]A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere. [/FONT]
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere. [/FONT]
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jul 3, 2008
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A Late July 4 Joke
Abe Lincoln was purportedly very fond of the following story, and often told it. I have not found collaboration to be sure the anecdote actually happened, however. Perhaps some historians among us could help.
This happened after the Revolution War, and when the young country US and England established some relation. Ethan Allen, a Revolution War hero and a founder of the state of Vermont, went to England for a visit.
The Brits teased him by hanging a picture of George Washington in an outhouse, and made sure Ethan used it and saw the picture. Afterwards, Ethan acted coolly, so the Brits asked him if he saw the picture. Ethan replied that it was a very appropriate place for the Brits to hang it.
Surprised, the Brits had to ask Ethan why. To which, Ethan replied "because there is nothing that makes an Englishman defecate as quickly as the sight of General Washington".
Abe Lincoln was purportedly very fond of the following story, and often told it. I have not found collaboration to be sure the anecdote actually happened, however. Perhaps some historians among us could help.
This happened after the Revolution War, and when the young country US and England established some relation. Ethan Allen, a Revolution War hero and a founder of the state of Vermont, went to England for a visit.
The Brits teased him by hanging a picture of George Washington in an outhouse, and made sure Ethan used it and saw the picture. Afterwards, Ethan acted coolly, so the Brits asked him if he saw the picture. Ethan replied that it was a very appropriate place for the Brits to hang it.
Surprised, the Brits had to ask Ethan why. To which, Ethan replied "because there is nothing that makes an Englishman defecate as quickly as the sight of General Washington".
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haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
What Did The Sadist Do To The Masochist?
Nothing.
Nothing.
kumquat
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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Bestwifeever
Moderator Emeritus
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- Sep 17, 2007
- Messages
- 17,774
My cat thinks it's a chicken
1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken.
2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet?
1st Woman: We need the eggs.
1st Woman: My cat thinks it's a chicken.
2nd Woman: Why don't you take it to the vet?
1st Woman: We need the eggs.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Differences Between You And Your Boss
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
THIS IS TRULY FREAKY................BUT MAKES SENSE NOW
Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years
ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside
Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has
long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies
and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Certainly hope this
piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years
ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five
aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside
Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has
long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies
and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Certainly hope this
piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
RunningBum
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jun 18, 2007
- Messages
- 13,236
Were ANY of those people actually born in March 1948? Take that lame "joke" to the soapbox forum.
Assuming they didn't use their political might to change public records (to cover up the alien tie), then Wikipedia says the following.
Al Gore - March 31, 1948
Bill Clinton - August 19, 1946
Hillary Rodham Clinton - October 26, 1947
John Kerry - December 11, 1943
Howard Dean - November 17, 1948
Nancy Pelosi - March 26, 1940
Dianne Feinstein - June 22, 1933
Charles Schumer - November 23, 1950
Barbara Boxer - November 11, 1940
Al Gore - March 31, 1948
Bill Clinton - August 19, 1946
Hillary Rodham Clinton - October 26, 1947
John Kerry - December 11, 1943
Howard Dean - November 17, 1948
Nancy Pelosi - March 26, 1940
Dianne Feinstein - June 22, 1933
Charles Schumer - November 23, 1950
Barbara Boxer - November 11, 1940
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
My apologies- that was e-mailed to me and the source (my wife) apparently is losing credibility.
NW-Bound
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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- Jul 3, 2008
- Messages
- 35,712
A Miser Joke
A ill miser knew his days were numbered, so called his family to his deathbed. He told his family
"I will leave you the house, the land, and plenty of assets, but I need to take some with me. To that end, I have prepared a small pouch containing precious stones, gold pieces, and jewelry. I have placed that pouch up in the attic. When I die, my soul will float up to heaven. On the way I will grab that pouch. If any of you happen to see it, do not touch it".
His family honored his wish, and the miser died a few days later. After the funeral, his son was cleaning up the attic when he found the pouch placed between the rafters.
He ran down calling his mother
"Mom, I found the pouch. Dad never took it with him".
The widow, examining the pouch, mumbled
"Darn old fool! He should have put it down in the basement".
PS. I thought this was good, and remembered it. Couldn't claim it was my original.
A ill miser knew his days were numbered, so called his family to his deathbed. He told his family
"I will leave you the house, the land, and plenty of assets, but I need to take some with me. To that end, I have prepared a small pouch containing precious stones, gold pieces, and jewelry. I have placed that pouch up in the attic. When I die, my soul will float up to heaven. On the way I will grab that pouch. If any of you happen to see it, do not touch it".
His family honored his wish, and the miser died a few days later. After the funeral, his son was cleaning up the attic when he found the pouch placed between the rafters.
He ran down calling his mother
"Mom, I found the pouch. Dad never took it with him".
The widow, examining the pouch, mumbled
"Darn old fool! He should have put it down in the basement".
PS. I thought this was good, and remembered it. Couldn't claim it was my original.
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honobob
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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- May 8, 2006
- Messages
- 1,036
FINALLY… THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally aske d.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go! I didn't realize you were a cop!'
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally aske d.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go! I didn't realize you were a cop!'
brewer12345
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2003
- Messages
- 18,085
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents
said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.
- Status
