Its funny joke Thursday!

[jIMOh]

Beer Translations

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." I'll be leaving before the next round.

2. "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female) I'm easy.

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male) I'm gay.

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) I'm horny.

10. "Who's got the next round?" I haven't bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

[jIMOh]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four -- at 87 years old -- piped in and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

[Dawg54]

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi" Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was
the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65."

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid said "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Outtahere]

Ray , an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time's sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? "

The prostitute replies, "Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

[cj]

In honor of "talk like a pirate day" earlier in the week:

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over his eye. A guy says to him, "Wow, you must have had a tough life! What happened to your leg?" The pirate says, "I fell off the ship once, and a shark bit off my leg. So I have a peg leg instead." Then the guy says, "Why do you have a hook instead of a hand?" "Well," says the pirate, "I was in a sword fight with another pirate, and he sliced my hand right off. So I have the hook instead." The guy says, "Well, then, what happened to your eye?" The pirate replies, "A bird pooped in it." The guy says, "You need a patch just because of some bird poop?" The pirate says, "Well, it was my first day with the hook."

[calmloki]

Things to do while retired: http://www.gilaizen.com/images/kmart.gif

[jIMOh]

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"

Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!

[jIMOh]

Living Will


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A B!tch......

[jIMOh]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

[jIMOh]

A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."

[jIMOh]

Objective: To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

What You Need:
1. Girl with bra
2. Two functional hands
3. Common sense

Techniques:
1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

Do Not Use: Scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, black magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:
1. "I really want to thank you for this."
2. "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3. "Do you have any cereal?"

[jIMOh]

Top 10 Excuses For Sleeping At Desk


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?"

4. "Shoot! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!"

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "...In Jesus' name, Amen."

[pfpelican]

Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."


The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

[travelover]

Originally Posted by pfpelican

Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."


The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Cigar Arson

[mickeyd]

Being a native Floridian now residing in Texas, I submit the following....

You know you're a Floridian if....

..Socks are only for bowling.

..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

..Your winter coat is made of denim.

..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

..Anything under 70 is chilly.

..You pass on the right and honk at the elderly,

but pull over for a funeral.

..You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

..You could swim before you could read.

..You have to drive north to get to The South.

..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark

..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

..You dread lovebug season.

..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...

but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.

..You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.

..You know why flamingos are pink.

..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

…You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.

.."Down South" means Key West

.."Panhandling" means going to Pensacola

..You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

..Flip-flops are everyday wear.

..Shoes are for business meetings and church.

..No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.

..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

..You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida
.

..You measure dist! ance in minutes.

..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

..All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

.You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

..You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.

..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor,

"What kinda coke you want?"

..Anything under 95 is just warm.

..You've hosted a hurricane party.

..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)

..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.

..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee

..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, Nascar and

Go Gators.GO NOLES. or GO CANES

..You were 5 before y ou realized they made houses without pools.

..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

..You get angry when people say " Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."

..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

..You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!

..You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba ".

[REWahoo]