Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 09-18-2007, 01:12 PM   #1141
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four -- at 87 years old -- piped in and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
__________________

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Good Salesman........
Old 09-18-2007, 01:42 PM   #1142
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Dawg52's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Central MS/Orange Beach, AL
Posts: 6,960
Good Salesman........

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi" Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was
the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65."

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"

The kid said "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
__________________

__________________
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
Dawg52 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-20-2007, 08:15 AM   #1143
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Outtahere's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 1,677
Ray , an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time's sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? "

The prostitute replies, "Well Ray, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
__________________

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
Outtahere is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-20-2007, 01:36 PM   #1144
Full time employment: Posting here.
cj's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 512
In honor of "talk like a pirate day" earlier in the week:

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over his eye. A guy says to him, "Wow, you must have had a tough life! What happened to your leg?" The pirate says, "I fell off the ship once, and a shark bit off my leg. So I have a peg leg instead." Then the guy says, "Why do you have a hook instead of a hand?" "Well," says the pirate, "I was in a sword fight with another pirate, and he sliced my hand right off. So I have the hook instead." The guy says, "Well, then, what happened to your eye?" The pirate replies, "A bird pooped in it." The guy says, "You need a patch just because of some bird poop?" The pirate says, "Well, it was my first day with the hook."
__________________
cj is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2007, 12:43 PM   #1145
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
calmloki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 5,111
Things to do while retired: http://www.gilaizen.com/images/kmart.gif
__________________
calmloki is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 10:24 AM   #1146
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"

Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 10:25 AM   #1147
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Living Will


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A B!tch......
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 10:26 AM   #1148
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 10:27 AM   #1149
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 10:28 AM   #1150
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Objective: To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

What You Need:
1. Girl with bra
2. Two functional hands
3. Common sense

Techniques:
1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

Do Not Use: Scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, black magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:
1. "I really want to thank you for this."
2. "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3. "Do you have any cereal?"
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 10:29 AM   #1151
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Top 10 Excuses For Sleeping At Desk


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?"

4. "Shoot! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!"

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "...In Jesus' name, Amen."
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 11:22 AM   #1152
Recycles dryer sheets
pfpelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 229
Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."


The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
__________________
Old Guys Rule
pfpelican is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2007, 11:48 AM   #1153
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
travelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 8,652
Quote:
Originally Posted by pfpelican View Post
Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."


The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Urban Legends Reference Pages: Cigar Arson
__________________
Yes, I have achieved work / life balance.
travelover is online now   Reply With Quote
You know you're a Floridian if...
Old 09-27-2007, 07:18 PM   #1154
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
You know you're a Floridian if...

Being a native Floridian now residing in Texas, I submit the following....


You know you're a Floridian if....

..Socks are only for bowling.

..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.


..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

..Your winter coat is made of denim.

..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

..Anything under 70 is chilly.

..You pass on the right and honk at the elderly,

but pull over for a funeral.


..You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.


..You could swim before you could read.


..You have to drive north to get to The South.

..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark

..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.


..You dread lovebug season.

..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...

but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.


..You know what a snowbird is and you hate them.


..You know why flamingos are pink.


..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

…You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.

.."Down South" means Key West

.."Panhandling" means going to Pensacola

..You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

..Flip-flops are everyday wear.

..Shoes are for business meetings and church.

..No, wait, flip flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.

..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

..You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida
.

..You measure dist! ance in minutes.

..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

..All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

.You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

..You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.

..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor,

"What kinda coke you want?"


..Anything under 95 is just warm.


..You've hosted a hurricane party.


..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)


..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.


..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichnatucknee and Withlacoochee


..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.


..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, Nascar and
Go Gators.GO NOLES. or GO CANES


..You were 5 before y ou realized they made houses without pools.



..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.



..You get angry when people say " Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."



..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.



..You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!



..You recognize Miami-Dade as " Northern Cuba ".

__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2007, 07:36 AM   #1155
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,403
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-2007, 11:57 AM   #1156
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Minnehaha
Posts: 2,375
Where does a cantaloupe go on vacation...


John Cougar's MellenCamp.
__________________
MinnesotaEats - www.goodfoodmsp.com
Danny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2007, 11:33 AM   #1157
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
For all of you who are having trouble with the stock market these days, here is a little something to help you put things in perspective.

Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker -- What my broker has made me.

Buy, buy -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction -- The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit -- Religious guy who talks to God
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
I missed Thursday, but here's one...
Old 10-13-2007, 09:07 AM   #1158
Full time employment: Posting here.
flipstress's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 537
I missed Thursday, but here's one...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"Someone stole tent."
__________________
flipstress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2007, 09:10 AM   #1159
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Dawg52's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Central MS/Orange Beach, AL
Posts: 6,960
__________________
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
Dawg52 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2007, 07:12 AM   #1160
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
Your Yearly Dementia Test



It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say 'silk' five times Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.


< BR>

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from b lack b ricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why the hell are you still reading these
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pi lot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?












Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you mus t stop . If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In
Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?



















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!







Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS : 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
__________________

__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (1 members and 1 guests)
shaycool
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:18 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.