Its funny joke Thursday!

[nearly50]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly; a rubber glove; and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......“Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"

[HFWR]

From recent Booze Cruz, where I got to listen/watch ad nauseum Larry the Cable Guy from the Redneck Comedy Tour:

What if feminine products sponsored NASCAR?

"Hey, how'd you get tickets to the Tampon 200?"

"Oh, I had to pull a few strings..."

[Eagle43]

Quote:

Originally Posted by HaHa Eagle, ask her to send more! ha

Took a little journey to the Big Easy this week, so I've been "out-of-pocket" as they used to say at work. Glad you liked her jokes and I'll relay your request.

[Caroline]

A city guy got very tired of crowds, pollution, and city life in general, and decided to retire to the country.* He bought a little place in the middle of nowhere for the peace and quiet, and where the nearest neighbor was 10 miles away.

After a few months, he heard a knock on the door.* Outside the door stood a scruffy, heavily bearded rural fella, about six-foot-four inches tall, 250 lbs., in jeans, a flannel shirt, and boots covered in mud and cow manure.*

"Ah'm yar neighbor" mumbled the taciturn visitor.

"Well... er... good to meet you" replied the city guy.

"Ah'm havin' a little party over to mah house tomorrah night.* Round seven.* Wanna come?"

The city guy was a little put off but after thinking about it and deciding there could be no REAL harm in it, said "sure, I'd like that."

The rustic turns to go but then thinks better of it and turns back.

"Should prob'ly warn ya -- there're times when wrasslin' and a'fightin' breaks out at mah parties."

City guy swallows hard, but wants to be a good neighbor and figures he'll leave if anything gets out of hand.

"And thar can be some purty wild sex at times..."

Well, THAT doesn't sound so bad to the city guy -- he's been out here alone for months, after all!

The country fella turns once again to go and starts down the path.*

"Wait, I have one question," says the city guy.* "Is this kinda of a fomal thing, or more informal?* What should I wear?"

The country boy turns one last time.* "Don't matter none -- wear whutever you want.* Ain't gonna be but the two of us."

Great joke, Caroline, can't wait to repeat it. Lotta good jokes here.

[REWahoo]

Who's Your Daddy?

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

Or putting it another way... Who's Your Daddy!


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. <censored>

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[wabmester]

More knock-knock jokes, you say?* *OK, I'll leave this video of my jokester kid up for a while, and then it will mysteriously disapear.

(poof!)

[Eagle43]

OK, this one should fit the forum:

~ Retirees

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys
work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement,
attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the difference between a worker retiring and a
student going on summer vacation?
A. None, summer ends but so does the other time
frame, eventually.

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a
retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

[Nords]

A group of friars started a florist business for their fundraising.* Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair.* He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.* He begged the local government to do something.* They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "prevent" the friars from driving the other florist out of business.* Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:* Only Hugh can prevent florist friars!

[KB]

Wab

Your daughter is just darling. Love the dog and all the wiggling. And of course the jokes.
The last joke looked like she's creating on the fly, she's a smart little one.

[Caroline]

Quote:

Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?* *A. Tied shoes.

That reminds me of a couple of tee shirts I've seen lately:


"Retired.*This tee shirt is as dressed up as I get."

"Retired.*Won't work for anything"

"Warning, Retired!"*Knows everything and has all day to tell you about it."


I met the guy wearing the "Retired.* Won't work for anything" tee shirt on a hike and asked him where he got it.* Said he bought it in Florida, and that hundreds of people he'd met since wearing it wanted one too.* Said he thought he might start up a little operation to print them and sell them himself, but then.... that would be WORK!!!!!

Caroline*

[wabmester]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KB Your daughter is just darling.* Love the dog and all the wiggling.* And of course the jokes.* The last joke looked like she's creating on the fly, she's a smart little one.

Thanks!* *She's got the delivery nailed, but she may need some coaching on content.* *Although she was telling jokes in a store the other day and actually had a small crowd laughing (well, one lady), so she may be a future Phyllis Diller....* *

[Dawg52]

This is no joke but kind of funny. Found this on another site. Dad and son look kind of hoggish too.

Kern River Fly Fishing Forum - GIANT HOG!!!!

[MRGALT2U]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caroline That reminds me of a couple of tee shirts I've seen lately: "Retired.*This tee shirt is as dressed up as I get." "Retired.*Won't work for anything" "Warning, Retired!"*Knows everything and has all day to tell you about it." I met the guy wearing the "Retired.* Won't work for anything" tee shirt on a hike and asked him where he got it.* Said he bought it in Florida, and that hundreds of people he'd met since wearing it wanted one too.* Said he thought he might start up a little operation to print them and sell them himself, but then.... that would be WORK!!!!! Caroline*

Sometimes DW and I wear these together. Mine says:

"Visualize whirled peas"

Hers says:

"I see dumb people"

Oh and BTW, her boat is the O. P. Shaw. Yeah, we get a lot of blank looks

JG

Quote:

"I see dumb people"

I gotta make one of those for the next time I get together with my family.

[HFWR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TromboneAl I gotta make one of those for the next time I get together with my family.

Einstein's theory of relativity: Time slows down when you're with relatives...

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRGALT2U "I see dumb people"

After the pissing match you and TH got into over the size of your IQ's, wouldn't be surprised if both of you wore this slogan while online with us mere mortals...

REW

[brewer12345]

Somewhere in Iraq


A Marine squad was marching north of somewhere when they came upon an
insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert.

First aid was given to both men and the Marine was asked what had
happened.

The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway and
coming south was the insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

"We tried to draw each other out of cover. I yelled at him that
Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scum bag, and he yelled back
that George Bush was a spoiled-rotten, good-for-nothing moron."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a bus hit us."

[KB]

Brewer. that was the best joke...totally cracked me up. Thanks for the good laugh.

[nwsteve]

Not sure if this fully qualifies as a true but there is certainly plenty of sad humor
2005 Darwin Awards
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.