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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 07:10 PM   #101
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caroline
That reminds me of a couple of tee shirts I've seen lately:


"Retired.*This tee shirt is as dressed up as I get."

"Retired.*Won't work for anything"

"Warning, Retired!"*Knows everything and has all day to tell you about it."


I met the guy wearing the "Retired.* Won't work for anything" tee shirt on a hike and asked him where he got it.* Said he bought it in Florida, and that hundreds of people he'd met since wearing it wanted one too.* Said he thought he might start up a little operation to print them and sell them himself, but then.... that would be WORK!!!!!

Caroline*



Sometimes DW and I wear these together. Mine says:

"Visualize whirled peas"

Hers says:

"I see dumb people"

Oh and BTW, her boat is the O. P. Shaw. Yeah, we get a lot of blank looks

JG
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-21-2005, 11:23 PM   #102
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
"I see dumb people"
I gotta make one of those for the next time I get together with my family.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-22-2005, 11:29 AM   #103
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
I gotta make one of those for the next time I get together with my family.
Einstein's theory of relativity: Time slows down when you're with relatives...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-22-2005, 11:57 AM   #104
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRGALT2U
"I see dumb people"
After the pissing match you and TH got into over the size of your IQ's, wouldn't be surprised if both of you wore this slogan while online with us mere mortals...

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-22-2005, 01:14 PM   #105
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Somewhere in Iraq


A Marine squad was marching north of somewhere when they came upon an
insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.

Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert.

First aid was given to both men and the Marine was asked what had
happened.

The Marine reported, "I was moving north along the highway and
coming south was the insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover."

"What happened then?"

"We tried to draw each other out of cover. I yelled at him that
Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scum bag, and he yelled back
that George Bush was a spoiled-rotten, good-for-nothing moron."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a bus hit us."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-22-2005, 05:19 PM   #106
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Brewer. that was the best joke...totally cracked me up. Thanks for the good laugh.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-22-2005, 07:25 PM   #107
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Not sure if this fully qualifies as a true but there is certainly plenty of sad humor
2005 Darwin Awards
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.
(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-22-2005, 07:52 PM   #108
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nwsteve
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
ewww, yuck!

LL
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-24-2005, 11:09 PM   #109
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

http://tinyurl.com/9gvu6
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-25-2005, 08:36 AM   #110
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

That's a good one Al. I used to do that with my dog (the biscuit one - not the fake one)....back when I had a dog.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-26-2005, 12:53 PM   #111
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man walked into his doctor's office. He had a cucumber up his
nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right
ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

That's simple the doctor replied, "You're not eating properly."

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-26-2005, 10:46 PM   #112
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

From Jay Leno:

Women in Uganda who graduate from college and are still virgins will get their college education paid for by the government. Men who graduate and are still virgins will get what they usually get...an engineering degree.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-27-2005, 10:10 AM   #113
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked. "Oh man....I've been transferred to Texas," the other guy answered, "there's crazy people in Texas....and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."

"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-27-2005, 10:55 PM   #114
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and since they had never saved for the future they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him stock certificates which were worth over $2 million. She explained that for 30 years she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments from their love-making.

Realizing he was looking at cash and stock worth over $ 3 million, the husband was so astounded he was speechless. Finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-28-2005, 08:33 AM   #115
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The power of Aspirin

A guy is out with buddies - has few drinks - is
feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide
open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks -

"What did you put in my mouth?"
He says, "Two aspirin."
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
He says, - "That's all I wanted to hear."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-28-2005, 10:15 AM   #116
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Guiseppe, who lives in a small village in Greece, is being visited by his grandson, and is showing him around the town.

"See alla thosa ships in the harbor?* I builda alla thosa ships, but do they call me 'Guiseppe the ship builder?'* No!"

"See thata bakery over there?* For ten years I baka bread in that bakery.* Do they call me 'Guiseppe the bread maker?' No!"

"See thosa homes on the hill?* I builda alla thosa buildings.* Do they call me 'Guiseppe the home builder?' No!"

"Life, she notta fair.* I spenda 10 minutes witha one goat..."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-29-2005, 09:24 AM   #117
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ok, this one's especially for UncleMick, who probably knows a few Geaux's, Breaux's, and Robichaus.

A Cajun's Family 'Tree"
>
>
> His dizzy Aunt -----------------------------------------------Vertie Geaux
> The brother who loved prunes ---------------------------Gotta Geaux
> The brother with constipation problems --------------Neaux Geaux
> The cousin who worked at a convenience store ----Stop n Geaux
> The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------U Geaux
> The nephew from Illinois --------------------------------- She Car Geaux
> His magician uncle -----------------------------------Where Diddy Geaux
> His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------------ A Me Geaux
> The Mexican cousin's American sister ------------------ Gring Geaux
> The nephew who drove an armored car----------Loomis Far Geaux
> The uncle serving time in Angola ----------------------- Lemme Geaux
> The ballroom dancer ----------------------------------------- Tang Geaux
> The bird-lover uncle --------------------------------------Flo Ming Geaux
> His over confident nephew -------------------------------------- E Geaux
> The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------------------Mang Geaux
> An aunt who's an optimist -------------------------------- Way To Geaux
> The bouncy little nephew -------------------------------------- Poe Geaux
> A sister who loved disco ---------------------------------------- Go Geaux
> The niece who had an oversized van ---------------Winnie Bay Geaux
> The Italian grandmother -----------------------------------------Day Geaux
> (And there you Geaux!)

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-29-2005, 01:01 PM   #118
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig.

Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it! And then he did the same thing with a peanut!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he pre-measures his food."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-29-2005, 06:26 PM   #119
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig.

Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it! And then he did the same thing with a peanut!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he pre-measures his food."
We have now reached a new low on this forum

JG
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 07-29-2005, 10:13 PM   #120
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MRGALT2U
We have now reached a new low on this forum*

JG
No way. At times this forum can get boring. But I laughed loud at this joke, and sent it to friends. I think we need more jokes and fewer tedious posts.

Sometimes I really wish TH would come back, and after explaining all about the workings of the world, get into a really acrimonious fight with someone. My only constraint is that I would prefer that the victim be someone other than me.

Ha

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