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Old 10-24-2007, 03:18 PM   #1181
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FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'. Q:

Q:WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild. And when
they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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Going for the safe bet.
Old 10-27-2007, 10:05 PM   #1182
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Going for the safe bet.

Philadelphia Daily News- A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Philadelphia Family courtroom drama this morning, when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:41 PM   #1183
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Old 10-30-2007, 08:48 AM   #1184
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Confucius Say


"Man who run in front of car get tired."
"Man who run behind car get exhausted."
"Passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
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Old 10-30-2007, 09:33 AM   #1185
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For those of you who can't read the image, the small print says:

"or you might get sucked off"
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Old 10-30-2007, 09:37 AM   #1186
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
... the small print says:

"or you might get sucked off"

Yeah, that's what most small print says, isn't it?
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:27 PM   #1187
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation takes place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend!"

Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish, when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, "Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear sun block."
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:31 PM   #1188
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A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Indiana and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said,

"Okay you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:40 PM   #1189
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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -- Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Food is fried these days in vegetable oil. The fact is they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
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Old 10-31-2007, 10:11 PM   #1190
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:41 AM   #1191
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Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are. Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked ifn his pants for her.
She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!
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Old 11-04-2007, 05:42 PM   #1192
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TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few.
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Old 11-08-2007, 08:59 AM   #1193
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The intensity of the dog's face shows more sincerity than that of most people! Be sure to read the caption below the photo.
'Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house and not to Michael Vick's -
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Old 11-08-2007, 09:02 AM   #1194
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Here's a couple pictures worth a laugh.
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File Type: bmp untitled.bmp (999.9 KB, 29 views)
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Old 11-09-2007, 10:12 AM   #1195
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(Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home)
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. 'Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit yourbutt down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their littlebutts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I willtear their butts up and you better not ask why!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedybutthome next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will callCPS!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner andgo home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

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Old 11-09-2007, 11:09 AM   #1196
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Yesterday heard this snippet on the radio: The punishment in Indonesia for masturbation is decapitation.

Then found this site that has a supposed real list of bizarre laws in the various states.
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Old 11-13-2007, 09:55 AM   #1197
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funny classic signs y is only a light switch y


Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

-Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her ****.
-Men's Room

Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
-Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
-Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
-Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
-Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hills , CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
-Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hills , CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

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Old 11-14-2007, 08:40 AM   #1198
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I realized I had called the wrong number. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. I had accidentally transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and
hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for
that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window . . so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When is a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$hole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."

Then I called a$$hole #2.

"Hello?" he said

"Hello, a$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel 4 news crew.

NOW, I feel better - This is "Anger Management" at its very best!
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Old 11-29-2007, 10:10 AM   #1199
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.


With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
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Old 11-29-2007, 04:10 PM   #1200
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
__________________

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Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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