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Old 11-30-2007, 04:29 PM   #1201
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Can't bring myself to post a link - the laugh track bugs me, but great lines: Sean Morey, "She said, he heard", and "He said, she heard".
She said, "we need to have a talk". He heard, "you need a lawyer".
"Do I look fat in these pants" "Do you ever want to have sex again"

He said, "I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle". She heard, "I'm in the mood for a BIG fight!"

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Old 12-04-2007, 12:13 PM   #1202
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Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my
back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation
with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said 'Jesus, why do I work so hard?' And I heard the reply: 'Men find
many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather.'

I said: 'I thought that money was the root of all evil.' And the reply was: 'No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad'.

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question,
so I asked it. 'Jesus,' I said, 'What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?'

He replied: 'That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your
heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some
more, Seņor, but for now I have to finish your lawn.

"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."

- Will Rogers
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Dog for Sale
Old 12-06-2007, 02:00 PM   #1203
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Dog for Sale

Dog For Sale : &n bsp; OR free to good home. Answers to the name of Dolly. Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew him as ' holy sh*t!! '

Your help will be appreciated.

Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
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Old 12-07-2007, 08:03 AM   #1204
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Sorry this is a Friday joke, but it is a saying that stuck in my head last night.

"I have a special relationship with G-d. He needs to laugh and I give him a reason."
He had one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it . . . It faced, or seemed to face, the whole external world for an instant and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. -- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Old 12-13-2007, 05:53 PM   #1205
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For those of you who have a sick sense of humor....

Whack Your Boss, Beat em up Game from
simple girl
less stuff, more time

(50, married; Mr. Simple Girl, 54. I am semi-retired as of 2015 (still have a part-time gig), Mr. Simple Girl hopes to fully retire 2019 (yep, we have the OMY inflation is the culprit...and he wants a boat...not happening)
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Old 12-17-2007, 08:29 AM   #1206
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Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
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Old 12-17-2007, 12:48 PM   #1207
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A family is sitting at the dinner table, when the young son asks his Dad,
"Father, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, rather taken aback by the question, stammered and then replied,
"Well, son, there are basically 3 phases of breasts in the world. When they
are in their 20's, women's breasts are like melons - round and firm. When
they are in their 30's, they are like pears - still very nice but hanging
quite a bit. After 50, they are like onions."

"What do you mean, like onions?" asked the boy.

"You see them and they just make you cry!" replied the father.

The response upset his wife and daughter, and in retaliation the daughter
asked her mom, "Mother, how many kinds of men's "willies" are there?"

The mother smiled sweetly and replied, "Well, dear, there are basically 3
phases for men also. In their 20's, their willies are like oak trees,
straight and hard. Then, in their 30's, they are like birch - flexible but
reliable. After they are 50, they are like a Christmas tree."

The father raised his eyebrow and said, "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes," replied the wife, "dead from the roots up and the balls are just
there for decoration."
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Old 12-18-2007, 09:09 AM   #1208
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If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely
no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home
late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gr adually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the
road, or it would be th e front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.
Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date
was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Old Guys Rule
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Who says men can't take phone messages
Old 12-18-2007, 10:24 PM   #1209
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Who says men can't take phone messages

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Old 12-19-2007, 05:29 AM   #1210
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'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!'

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless, as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack.

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!" AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
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Guns Over Women
Old 12-19-2007, 01:33 PM   #1211
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Guns Over Women

The Top Ten Reasons
Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
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Merry Chistmas to all!
Old 12-20-2007, 06:23 PM   #1212
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Merry Chistmas to all!
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Full time wuss.......
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Christmas Bicycle.....
Old 12-20-2007, 06:36 PM   #1213
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Christmas Bicycle.....

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said 'did Santa bring it to you?

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got there, Sir, did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
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WV Survivor
Old 12-21-2007, 07:39 PM   #1214
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WV Survivor

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several area TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: West Virginia."

The contestants will start in Berkeley Springs, travel to Morgantown and on down to Charleston. From there they will head down to Beckley and then north to Buckhannon and then to Elkins. They will then proceed to Martinsburg, finally ending up back over in Berkeley Springs. No use of interstate highways is allowed; all driving will be on state highways and/or local roads.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New York license plates and large bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay, a Vegetarian and NASCAR Sucks," "Go Yankees!", "Smoking is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2008", "Deer Hunting is Murder", and "I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!"

The first one who makes it back to Berkeley Springs alive wins.
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
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Old 12-22-2007, 01:27 PM   #1215
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HolyJuan: 10 Attributes of Really Lazy People

No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

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Old 12-22-2007, 01:42 PM   #1216
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It took me a second...but I got it.
Numbers is hard

Charter resident of the lumpen slums of cyberspace

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:33 PM   #1217
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Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
It took me a second...but I got it.
I'll read it tomorrow... after my nap.

The book written on, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
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Old 12-23-2007, 06:27 AM   #1218
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A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:

"Please send me a baby brother," the little boy requested earnestly.

Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother."
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Twas the Night Before Christmas
Old 12-24-2007, 08:04 AM   #1219
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Twas the Night Before Christmas

Santa was very upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus, the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....

Your Merry Christmas may depend on what others do for you. But your Happy New Year depends on what you do for others. Happy Holidays to all.
"The surest sign that there is intelligent life out there is that they haven't tried to contact us yet." Calvin & Hobbes
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Old 12-28-2007, 09:23 AM   #1220
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"Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”

“Yes. What can I do for you?”

“I’m calling to report ‘bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He’s hidin’
marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them
logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.

“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?”


“Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep!”

“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

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