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Old 12-28-2007, 04:43 PM   #1221
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I've never written for advice before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. There have been the usual signs...phone rings but if I pick it up the caller hangs up. My wife has been going "out with the girls" a lot recently but when I ask their names she always says "Just some friends. You don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she'd gotten out of a car just around the corner.

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone, and why was I spying on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth. But last night when she went out I decided to really check on her.

I hid in the garage where I have my model airplane workshop so I could peek out the window and get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was while I was crouching behind my giant scale Mustang that I noticed some oil leaking from the front engine bearing. Is this something I can fix myself or should I send it in for service?

Thanks,
Worried in West Virginia
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Old 12-29-2007, 05:30 PM   #1222
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BIKER & THE OLD LADY

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an, anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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Estate Planning
Old 01-01-2008, 11:06 AM   #1223
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Estate Planning

When David found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.8)
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:30 AM   #1224
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A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well-suited to bedding, but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall.'"
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:32 AM   #1225
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A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:33 AM   #1226
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Two men are pulled over by a Texas Highway Patrolman. When the trooper reaches their car he leans inside and smacks the driver on the head with his flashlight.

"What the hell did you do that for?" the driver asks.

The trooper responds, "You know damn good and well that when I step up here you're supposed to have your driver's license and proof of insurance ready for me to check."

After the trooper is finished writing the ticket he walks over to the passenger side, leans in and smacks the other man in the head with his flashlight.

"What the hell are you doing?" the passenger screams.

"I'm just granting your wish," replies the trooper.

"What wish?" asks the man.

"I know for a fact that half a mile down the road you're gonna lean over to your friend there and say, 'I wish he woulda pulled that crap with me.'"
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:34 AM   #1227
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A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No, I'm turning the heating off."
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:35 AM   #1228
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One evening, a young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."
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Old 01-08-2008, 09:27 PM   #1229
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An 86 year old man went to his doctor for a checkup

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the old man said "things are great, I've never felt better"
"I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child"
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered this for a while and began to tell a story,
" I have an older friend, much like yourself
This older friend is an avid hunter, one day he was in such a hurry to leave the house and go hunting he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of the gun.
As he neared a lake he spotted a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.
Realising that he'd left his gun at home and he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature, he still raised the cane to his shoulder, aimed it and said bang bang under his breath.
In that instant two shots rang out and the beaver keeled over dead"
"Now what do you think of that?" said the doctor.

The 86 year old said "logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver"

"My point exactly" replied the doctor.
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Old 01-14-2008, 01:25 PM   #1230
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What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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Old 01-14-2008, 05:24 PM   #1231
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Irish Lass

An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a
prostitute ."
"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family."
"OK, dad .... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for
$5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside,
plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the
nbsp;Riviera, and ...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff,
sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus!
Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"
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Old 01-15-2008, 12:42 PM   #1232
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed aCUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him andhe could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
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Old 01-15-2008, 01:14 PM   #1233
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The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No, said the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
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Old 01-16-2008, 02:44 PM   #1234
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Subject: My Living will


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....
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Old 01-16-2008, 02:45 PM   #1235
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I miss Bill Clinton


It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV,
there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

' Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a
black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way
with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the
government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with
'Clinton Soup,' in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily
of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter
will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, 'I don't know, I never had one.'

The Clinton revised judicial oath: 'I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth
as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.'
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.'
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Old 01-16-2008, 08:00 PM   #1236
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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!"
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Old 01-16-2008, 09:38 PM   #1237
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a
lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so
much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the
president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he
was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock
in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
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Show me your................
Old 01-17-2008, 07:26 AM   #1238
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Show me your................

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water temperature..........
Old 01-17-2008, 07:39 AM   #1239
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water temperature..........


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Old 01-17-2008, 07:39 AM   #1240
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Why does a man get smarter during sex?

Because he is plugged into a genius.
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