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Old 01-17-2008, 07:40 AM   #1241
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Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, 'Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex.' Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, 'That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.' Again, Don thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.

The Polar Bear said, 'Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?'
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Old 01-17-2008, 09:12 AM   #1242
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If the pen is mightier than the sword,
and a picture is worth a thousand words,
how dangerous is a FAX?
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Old 01-17-2008, 09:13 AM   #1243
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"Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as
frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software."
Arthur C. Clarke in "The Odyssey File" (1985)
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If these babes don't get you fired up...............
Old 01-18-2008, 03:47 PM   #1244
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If these babes don't get you fired up...............




I know you've been waiting for Your 2008 Krispy Kreme Lingerie Calendar..

AND HERE IT IS !!!!!!
[/font]

of course the stock market tumble has tainted my line of reasoning.
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Old 01-18-2008, 03:53 PM   #1245
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Dawg, your posting of the calendar girls failed. Please don't try to fix it...
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Old 01-18-2008, 04:08 PM   #1246
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Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
Dawg, your posting of the calendar girls failed. Please don't try to fix it...
Hmmmm, shows on mine. Oh well, that's the story of my week.
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Groucho said this stuff
Old 01-18-2008, 04:28 PM   #1247
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Groucho said this stuff

I have long been a fan of Groucho Marx and his brand of humor, whatever that is.

Groucho Marx Quips:

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Women should be obscene and not heard.
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:38 AM   #1248
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawg52 View Post



I know you've been waiting for Your 2008 Krispy Kreme Lingerie Calendar..

AND HERE IT IS !!!!!!
[/font]

of course the stock market tumble has tainted my line of reasoning.
Let me try this one more time.






[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']I know you've been waiting for Your 2008 Krispy Kreme Lingerie Calendar..
[/font]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']
[/font]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']AND HERE IT IS !!!!!!
[/font]
[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif'][/font]
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:48 AM   #1249
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Nope. And based on the title, I'm hoping you never figure it out...
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Old 01-19-2008, 08:54 AM   #1250
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Nope. And based on the title, I'm hoping you never figure it out...
I don't get it. It shows on the preview and shows on mine now. Think I will go do something constructive, like play in the snow.
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Old 01-19-2008, 07:24 PM   #1251
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

'We're sorry, Mr. Brown, but we have some information about your wife,' said one trooper.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' Mr. Brown shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Brown said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The trooper said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.'

'Oh, my God!' exclaimed Mr. Brown. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'

The trooper continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five-pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.'

Stunned, Mr. Brown demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'

The trooper said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:02 PM   #1252
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:03 PM   #1253
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A middle management executive has to take on some sport by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding toward me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:04 PM   #1254
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, and of reaching my full potential as a person."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:05 PM   #1255
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Sammy was up to his eyes in money troubles and could see no way out except winning the lottery. He went to the synagogue and prayed to win. At the next draw he waited confidently, but was disappointed.

He returned to the synagogue and prayed again, pointing out that he had lived an exemplary life, devoutly observing dietary laws, and contributing to Jewish charities. Still at the next draw he didn't win.

He returned to the synagogue close to despair, but before he could find the words a voice spoke to him out of the clouds: "OK, you want to win the lottery. But please, meet me halfway. Buy a ticket."
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:05 PM   #1256
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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:09 PM   #1257
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about the situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no problem, damn it!" the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
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Old 01-22-2008, 03:10 PM   #1258
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Peyton Manning, Tony Romo and Tom Brady go to heaven to visit God and watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking the boys a question.

God asks Peyton Manning first, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage, and honor are the fundamentals of life. I too have been lucky, but win or lose I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the field." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Tom Brady and says, "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
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Old 01-22-2008, 07:25 PM   #1259
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Ensure you read the editor's note.

There is much merit in the following although murders of spouses may increase as a result.

Advice from a retired husband:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the extended health care benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice in one day is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a break when she is only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on 27 September of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end with barely 15 centimetres of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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Old 01-24-2008, 01:14 PM   #1260
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Alternative Names For Cubicles

14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death

13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat

12. Slack-In-The-Box

11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club

10. Peon Palazzo

9. Yuppie Terrarium

8. The SnackFooda Triangle

7. English Majors Entry Point

6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment

5. Picasso's Folly

4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters

3. Fortress of Servitude

2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal

1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
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