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Old 01-24-2008, 06:45 PM   #1261
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When Microsoft finally makes something that doesn't suck, you'll know that they have started making vacuum cleaners
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Old 01-25-2008, 07:16 AM   #1262
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Life's little wonders.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's
called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
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Old 01-25-2008, 12:44 PM   #1263
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Originally Posted by Jeb-NY View Post
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because they were built with federal tax funds, and now that Boston is done with the equipment they're just about to start drilling the Long Beach Tunnel...
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Old 01-25-2008, 02:38 PM   #1264
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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Marriage Counseling - Southern Style


Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to

me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says,
"Better think it over Bubba ...

.........women like that are hard to find."
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8x2
Old 01-27-2008, 12:03 PM   #1265
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8x2

Eight Words With Two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) ad
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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Old 01-28-2008, 10:28 AM   #1266
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Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should

Spend the rest of your

day.....



There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully

expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.



Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

how should he express himself?



Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

























He opens his mouth and says. 'I would like to buy a pair of
Sunglasses'.
If you got this wrong -- please turn off your computer and call it a day.
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Old 01-29-2008, 07:18 PM   #1267
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Give me a forum ...
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Old 01-30-2008, 11:45 AM   #1268
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Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus .. I've got me hands in the dishpan. Go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin' ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there' s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus


The little lady looks at him and says, "Me God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but just when she finished and bent doon to bite of the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."
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The tale of the talking duck
Old 01-30-2008, 07:07 PM   #1269
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The tale of the talking duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working,' says the duck. 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly,' says the barman. 'Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

The duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, 'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'

'Yeah?' says the duck. 'Sounds great, where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' the duck enquires.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again.

'Yes,' says the barman

'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.

'Of course' the barman replies.

'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle,' asks the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck looks confused...


'What would they want with a plasterer?'
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Old 01-31-2008, 09:27 AM   #1270
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A few memorable quotes.

"He who dies with the most toys is dead." --John M. Vreeland

"Nothing is certain but debt and faxes." -- Lorne Walton

"Get the facts first, and then you can distort them as you like." - Mark Twain

"... Profits, like sausages ... are esteemed most by those who know least about what goes into them." - Alvin Toffler

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Hector Berlioz (1803-1869), French composer

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Albert Einstein

"Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think." -unknown

"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others." -Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
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Old 01-31-2008, 04:15 PM   #1271
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A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars. Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well, are you going to bite them or not?"

"Nah," says the Scotsman. "Costs too much."
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Tale of the Irish Sausage
Old 01-31-2008, 05:50 PM   #1272
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Tale of the Irish Sausage

Tale of the Irish Sausage


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.
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Old 01-31-2008, 11:51 PM   #1273
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If you are a geezer and a geek

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part I):

BBW ..Branch Both Ways
BEW ..Branch Either Way
BBBF .Branch on Bit Bucket Full
BH ....Branch and Hang
BMR ..Branch Multiple Registers
BOB ..Branch On Bug
BPO ..Branch on Power Off
BST ..Backspace and Stretch Tape
CDS ..Condense and Destroy System
CLBR .Clobber Register
CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately
CM ...Circulate Memory
CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming
CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip
CRN ..Convert to Roman Numerals

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part II):

DC ....Divide and Conquer
DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key
DO ....Divide and Overflow
EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator
EPI ...Execute Programmer Immediately
EROS Erase Read Only Storage
EXCE Execute Customer Engineer
HCF ..Halt and Catch Fire
IBP ...Insert Bug and Proceed
INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out])
PBC ..Print and Break Chain
PDSK Punch Disk

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set (part III; last):

PI ....Punch Invalid
POPI Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
RASC Read And Shred Card
RPM ..Read Programmers Mind
RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy)
RTAB Rewind tape and break
RWDSK rewind disk
RWOC Read Writing On Card
SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write
SLC ..Search for Lost Chord
SPSW Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM Store in Read Only Memory
TDB ..Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT ..Water Binary Tree
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Old 02-01-2008, 08:16 AM   #1274
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Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set
Boy, was that a blast from the past, I still remember when the "mini-computer" revolution started and the PDP-8 came out. (12-bit predecessor of the PDP-11).

As we've seen stated before, there are only 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't
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Old 02-04-2008, 05:02 PM   #1275
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Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"



Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."



Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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Old 02-04-2008, 07:44 PM   #1276
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are vis itor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Old 02-04-2008, 07:51 PM   #1277
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Understanding Engineers - Take One

What is a civil engineer?

An oxymoron.
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Old 02-05-2008, 05:53 AM   #1278
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Estate Planning
Thread Started Yesterday at 7:15pm A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
"I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate
when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this
case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were
some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the
woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been
diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma,
I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you
were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
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Old 02-05-2008, 08:01 AM   #1279
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As Benjamin Franklin once said [or should have]: 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.'

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli)bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
- Water = Poo
- Beer = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink alcohol and talk like an idiot, than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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Credit Crunch in Japan
Old 02-08-2008, 08:34 PM   #1280
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Credit Crunch in Japan

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on the Northern Rock Building Society in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut many of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy is going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
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