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I hope this isn't too much for the board....
Old 02-09-2008, 05:59 PM   #1281
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I hope this isn't too much for the board....

I hope this one is OK!!
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Old 02-18-2008, 12:02 PM   #1282
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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.

~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work or ER postings.
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Old 02-18-2008, 01:25 PM   #1283
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Rules from George Carlin

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards!!

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the Jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," .ooh, you're a huge Jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants! After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
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Old 02-18-2008, 01:26 PM   #1284
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Military jokes:

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army Aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, Sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, Sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Old 02-18-2008, 01:28 PM   #1285
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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Old 02-19-2008, 08:04 AM   #1286
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A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is. "
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Old 02-21-2008, 05:20 PM   #1287
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Mental Health Outsourcing

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Old 02-22-2008, 11:57 AM   #1288
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Get rich quickly. FIRE earlier.

Comics and Editorial Cartoons: Non Sequitur on Yahoo! News
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Old 02-23-2008, 05:40 AM   #1289
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
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Old 02-27-2008, 07:32 AM   #1290
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A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'



She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.



The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'




LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)








Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH




Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR








Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)





One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''








LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER








Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.



I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
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Old 02-27-2008, 01:49 PM   #1291
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Customer: Waiter! Taste this soup.
Waiter: Why? Is something wrong with it?
Customer: (Pointing into the bowl) Just try it.
Waiter: Is it too hot?
Customer: Taste it.
Waiter: Is it too cold?
Customer: Try it out.
Waiter: Does it taste bad?
Customer: Go ahead. Just sample it.
Waiter: (Pause) OK, where's a spoon?
Customer: AH-HA!!!!!!!
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Old 02-27-2008, 05:10 PM   #1292
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TO MY VALENTINE

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,

what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,

we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.

Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
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Old 02-27-2008, 05:11 PM   #1293
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A lady 6 months pregnant was getting in the shower when her 3 year old daughter says, "Mommy, you are getting fat."

Mom says, "Yes honey, remember, mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

3 year old then asks, "So what's growing in your butt?"
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Old 02-27-2008, 05:11 PM   #1294
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TEA WITH A 3 YEAR OLD
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
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Old 02-27-2008, 05:12 PM   #1295
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"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
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Old 02-27-2008, 05:13 PM   #1296
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In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.
Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.
But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."
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Old 02-27-2008, 05:15 PM   #1297
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital's swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by j umping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Old 02-29-2008, 05:49 AM   #1298
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Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse..
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fair ways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there..

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery
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Old 02-29-2008, 07:17 PM   #1299
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Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends,
eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two said that he was still there.
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Old 02-29-2008, 07:33 PM   #1300
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Quote:
eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two said that he was still there.
I think I recall this happening to me many years ago. Gotta love those buddies...
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